Name: Bill Burr & Dave Portnoy - Advice: Girl With Interesting Past
Uploaded: 2012-07-17T14:37:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Dave Portnoy - Advice: Girl With Interesting Past' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-07-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Dave Portnoy - Advice: Girl With Interesting Past' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-07-17. Transcript available.

of uh i answer questions every week you want you want to like people actually
for some
fucking reason like ask me advice i don't know why i like i can't i'm not good
at reading out loud
i'm a moron but for some reason they they ask me stories so this is girl with
interesting past
uh all right so i'm going to need your expert advice on something i'm an expert
evidently
because i have a podcast i really should start doing like some sort of
disclaimer before i do
these before somebody tries and sue me uh okay recently i moved back home after
college and
started seeing a girl who went to my high school but who i never really talked
to things were going
great she's really funny for abroad uh pretty cute not to mention uh has a
heightened see mentioned
has as heightened of a sex drive as i do well maybe that's where the problem
lies so i was telling my
high school buddies how i started seeing this girl and thought she was uh the
bee's knees um he just
lost a rain job um that's when one of my pals said uh wait you know me and steve
and another
childhood friend of mine smoked a bull and eiffel tower towered her in the back
of a minivan a couple
years ago this is like one of these dirty sanchez things eiffel tower i don't
know what an eiffel
tower do you know what it is yeah let me try to guess let's see the eiffel
tower it's when you you uh
you build an eiffel tower with an erector set and you stick it in her ass while
you uh wear a beret
i don't know close it's like uh you make two dudes making the eiffel tower this
way she's in the
middle oh okay that's right i think i heard that one is that more like the london
bridge it may be
that the eiffel tower okay anyway so now i have an issue the girl so basically
these two guys they
smoked a joint and they a bowl and they fucking two on wonder thank god you
were here because he said
that like i fucking knew uh urban dictionary whenever when it went in doubt and
i'm one of
those guys the internet scares me um so now i have an issue the girl's great
but knowing two of my
close childhood friends once penetrated her at the same time uh kind of puts a
damper on things he
says pretty gay which i kind of have to go along with i never understood the
two guys with one girl
oh well i i yeah no i've i don't talk about this at length that's sort of like
i wouldn't like if you
cross swords i think then you become gay i don't think you can become gay but i
think that you're
easing into being gay yeah no i think you are no you're not gay but you know i'm
just saying this
is what i look like okay i'm gonna hook up with a girl the only thing that
could enhance that
is either another girl or like i don't know fucking goodfellas playing in the
back and pick something
even then i don't want to hear joe pesci's voices i'm fucking so to add another
all you did was add
another dick i you know what i think it's either it's either gay or it's like
you're just it doesn't
make you so heterosexual that you could just fucking high five no i i'm firmly
i i've said that i'm not
i don't want to see my body's cum face yeah no i mean i really don't i don't
want a two two on one
guy but this guy's question is this question whether he's gonna dump this girl
i think i think
i think that's where we're going here what should i do should i cut off cold
turkey should i bring it
up should i be the better person say ah fucking who cares i'm no puritan thanks
bill love your
podcast all right first of all this girl must be fucking the shit out of this
guy that he's even
asking this question or he's brutally ugly something something going on i like
okay i i think you
already answered the question do you should you break up with this girl look
the honest thing is
is if you don't give a fuck and you actually like this girl then i'd stay with
her personally
just every time i would go to kiss her i just picture you know fucking two of
my friends high
fiving over or doing like the old jose consenco and fucking mark mcguire did
the forearm smash yeah
there's there's no fucking way no that's one of the all-time no-brainers in the
history of earth
that would be a deal breaker i had a guy a guy wrote in a few weeks ago said he
he met some girl
perfect thing you know gorgeous great personality funny and all that fucking
shit and then uh in the
end he found out that she did a little bit of porn and uh and he broke up with
her and he felt
fucking bad about it but i just it's just one of those things that would bother
me a heck of a lot
less than the eiffel tower scenario that this guy just laid out so what are you
saying it's then it's
it's your body it's your buddies you're what are you going to fucking watch a
football game
oh yeah it's either that you get every time the team scores yeah high five you
think that they're
mocking yeah it's much worse when you know the people i think i mean porn is a
job whatever
i wouldn't want porn either i mean i'm not saying i would prefer not if you
might choose my wife's
a virgin before i met her so it's like but if i had to choose one or the other
no-brainer give
me the porn over the point your buddy's eiffel towering a girl yeah but you
know something those
porn star chicks after a while they're just so fucking like i don't do the
lights out in their eye
you know what i mean like just something happens i'm not gonna sit here and say
you just can't yeah
no but i but i what what if you actually really loved her and you just moved
away and broke up with
your buddies yeah no that's what i was thinking you get rid of them but how can
you love you can't
that's a deal i mean for me i could not i could not do it that would haunt me
for the rest of my
i gotta tell you though he has great friends that the fact that they told him
before he got too
emotionally involved um i don't know he says he's coming out to the the place
down the yacht club
this weekend i'm doing this gig at the i'd like to know what he looks like when
when you meet him
how does he introduce himself i'm the guy with the girlfriend who got eiffel
towered
well because he won't have already heard this podcast so he won't know i don't
know i don't
know if he will oh hey send me a picture we're gonna judge you if you're ugly
you won't or even if
he doesn't know i mean he he may know you got the email like i sent you an
email about my girlfriend
getting eiffel towered like that would be the intro yeah i've actually i've had
people do that
it gets it can get weird they can get weird with these things