Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Friend's Girlfriend Is A Bitch
Uploaded: 2012-07-24T01:37:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Friend's Girlfriend Is A Bitch' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-07-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Friend's Girlfriend Is A Bitch' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-07-24. Transcript available.

Advice. Friend's girlfriend is a bitch. Haven't I already given advice over
this thing? I've given this advice a zillion fucking times. I'm a high school
senior and in three weeks with me, in three weeks me and my friends are going
backpacking through Australia for a month and a half. We've been planning this
trip since middle school and I have saved for the past five years because I am
paying for my share of the trip myself. We're both psyched to graduate from
high school and for this trip.
Dude, I hope you have the most. The only way I would backpack through Australia
is if they made thigh high hooker fucking snake boots. They got like some of
the deadliest snakes on the planet. They got that Taipan or whatever the fuck
it is. They got the black mambas out there. Those ones you get bit like in the
second it registered that the pain of getting bit you like collapse. Yeah, fuck
all that. All right, dude, we'll have fun with that.
This sounds like one of those trips where somebody ends up dying and then
somebody goes on trial for possibly murdering the other person and then they
get off. But there's always that wonderment of what really happened. Whenever
Americans go to Australia, somebody dies. Remember that guy who was on the
honeymoon and he went scuba diving and his wife got eaten by a shark?
Yeah, remember that one or something weird or they went deep sea fucking snorkeling.
I would tell you right now if you're a fucking woman and if you're a lady.
And you're going on a honeymoon. If it involves fucking scuba diving. So any
any sort of going out to the ocean. That's it. It's over. Call off the wedding.
All right. Call it off.
Nothing good comes from that. He's either going to get drunk and fall overboard
or he's going to shut the air valve off.
Yeah, don't go on a cruise.
Yeah, you know, and if you do, you do not go up on deck unless there's plenty
of witnesses around.
Fuck that moonlight kissing. Fuck all that. That's when you go off the back of
the boat.
She was just she wanted to reach down and touch the water. I don't know what
happened.
No body, no nothing. Fuck that.
Hey, Billion, I'm a high school. All right. So anyways, they're going to
Australia.
My friend and I have known each other since we were three and our families are
very close.
He's like my he's like a brother to me.
And we've often confided in each other and asked each other for relationship
advice.
However, recently, my friend has started dating this girl who has put a huge rift
in our relationship.
Congratulations. He's met his first psycho.
You guys are only high school age. I don't think this is going to be that big a
deal.
The girl my friend is dating is a total whore.
She's ignorant and jealous and generally has an unattractive personality.
They've only been dating for two months, but she feels like she owns him.
She found out that my friend and I were going on this trip and has been rude to
me ever since.
Yeah, she's insecure. She's young and she's fucking a lot of guys.
It stated it started with just snipping remarks elevated over time.
Blah, blah, blah. This is just going to be the usual shit.
The other night we were all at a party. She got hammered.
She came up to me, started shoving me and told me that my ghetto pussy wasn't
going to seduce her boyfriend.
What? This comment probably had something to do with the fact that I'm black
and her boyfriend is white.
Though I was seeing red, I tried not to sucker punch that bitch in the face.
Yeah, dude, dude, don't ever do that.
I've boxed and kickboxed for the past three years and I'm pretty sure I could
have stomped the yard all over.
Yeah, dude, what the fuck? Where did that come from?
I think the fact that you're a guy, you could pretty much beat up most women,
which is why you don't do it.
You know, it's like running up the score in a college game.
I told her to calm down.
I have never done anything with my friend and have no desire or intentions of
anything happen in Aussie land.
She kept yelling and screaming and making a scene.
Eventually, oh, so she's basically calling you gay in front of all your friends
at a party and you're at a high school level.
Yeah, that's kind of a, that's a situation.
Eventually, I just gave up trying to reason with the drunk broad and I left.
Naturally, I told my friend what she said.
He agreed it was absolutely unacceptable and had a talk with her that turned
into a fight.
My friend's girl gave him an ultimatum, me or her, and forbade him from going
to Australia.
This is absolutely hilarious to me, which it should be.
Since their fight, my friend hasn't called or texted me back.
What should I do?
You know what?
Fuck him.
Fuck him.
Let him learn the lesson.
You know what you do?
You go down there with your fucking American accent, all right?
And you're going to get more fucking pussy than you could ever shake a goddamn
stick at, a walking stick at, all right?
To keep it in a hiking sense here, all right?
Fuck him.
And then you come back and just, you know, let him be with that whore.
Wash your fucking hands of it, okay?
You go, I invested a lot of time, effort, and money into this trip.
I'm not going to have the beginning of my senior year destroyed by some skank-faced,
control freak, lush, which you shouldn't.
But I also don't want to hurt my friend and have him be miserable when we're
going to be stuck living, sleeping, traveling together for six weeks.
Hey, fuck him.
This is the deal.
Fuck him.
Fuck him, okay?
He wants to be with that whore.
Let him be with that whore.
Get on with your fucking life.
If he wants to go with you to Australia, let him.
If he doesn't, if he wants to stay back there with that psycho, let him.
He has to learn this lesson.
The same way you got to let a toddler fucking slam his head off the goddamn
coffee table to understand gravity or at least putting his little fat baby arms
out.
You know, you got to let this dude fall right on his fucking face, all right?
Let's hope he's wearing a condom, but he's old enough to know how people get
pregnant.
So, you know, give me a fucking break.
Fuck this shit, all right?
That's it.
Fuck him.
Wash your hands of it.
It's over.
All right?
You go out.
You enjoy your senior year.
You go to Australia.
He comes.
He doesn't.
You don't give a fuck.
All right?
That's on him.
He wants to sit there and invest all his life in some stupid, drunk, skank-faced,
control freak, lush, as you call her.
Let him.
What the fuck do you care?
Okay?
She fucking embarrassed you.
I mean, you don't do that.
You don't do that.
I remember one time I was dating this fucking girl, and she was so fucking rude
to one of my friends.
And that night, I was like, I was beside myself, and I was asking her how she
could do something like that.
And she's just like, she was just like, I'm sorry.
I didn't like him.
And that was the first time I was just like, is that the most arrogant fucking
thing ever?
And I'm not going to lie to you.
It took me, like, another, like, week or two.
But from that second on, I just fucking pulled back, and I was just like, you
know what?
Go fuck yourself.
Because, you know, that's the life you're going to have.
You're going to have no – all your friends are going to be gone.
So fuck her.
All right?
Did I say that enough time?
Yeah.
Fuck her.