Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Female Roommate
Uploaded: 2012-07-31T01:29:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Female Roommate' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-07-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Female Roommate' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-07-31. Transcript available.

Anyways, all right. Female roommate. Howdy, Bill.
You said howdy, so I'm reading all this in a southern accent.
I could use some advice.
I'm a 27-year-old guy living in an apartment with a 19-year-old girl.
She just moved in a couple weeks ago, a couple months ago.
We've been getting along great, but over the past few weeks,
she's mentioned her sex life a couple of different times,
mentioned how she loves to give head.
Yes!
Could it be the most perfect roommate in the world?
You're the reason that God made a whore.
All right, so she likes sucking dick.
Okay, I see nothing but sunshine so far.
Where's the rain coming? Here we go.
Just the other day, she mentioned out of the blue
that she posed for some nude pictures.
Uh-oh.
And she has no problem with nudity.
All right, that's a major caution flag there.
Anybody who takes nude photos or is in the porn industry,
yeah, you've got to watch out there.
That's a ticking time bomb.
Oh, jeez, what happened?
Was it your uncle?
Was it the guy down the street?
Who was it?
She seems to basically say everything she thinks.
Oh, she basically seems to say everything that she thinks will get a rise out
of me.
Rise.
You get it?
That's what he said.
He put that in parentheses.
All right, here we go.
At first, I didn't know how to approach the situation,
so I just ignored her when she tried to steer the conversation towards sex.
But she seemed to do this repeatedly.
And I had enough with it.
And I came on to her and told her that I wanted to see the pictures
and then joked with her that it was for artistic reasons.
She seemed shocked that I'd asked such a question.
Oh, here she goes.
Going to yank the rug out.
And she joked with me and called me a creeper.
She seemed to flaunt her sexuality in front of me
and say how open she is with everything.
But the second I made a move, she made me feel like a creep.
There you go.
You got one of those, sir.
You got one of those.
Oh, gee.
Oh, Jesus.
This is like she's an Olympic-level, what do you call it, dick tease.
And I say Olympic-level because she's actually dabbled in the porn industry
with the nude photos.
I either want to bang this girl
or get her to quit throwing her sexual suggestive topics at me
and quit using me as an emotional tampon.
Help me out, Bill.
Go fuck yourself.
I would say exactly what you just said, not the banging part.
Just say, listen, just, you know, you know what you do?
You just go, I would just go fucking, don't curse.
Don't say anything fucked up.
Just straight out say it.
Just say, listen, ever since you've been here,
you have been just openly talking about sex.
You talk about how you enjoy giving oral sex.
You mentioned that you have nude photos.
You don't have a problem with nudity.
You're constantly bringing up sex, okay?
And the other day, you know, no, I can't go that way.
Because then she'll be like, well,
because you came off like a creep.
Just tell her, look, don't bring up sex anymore.
Can you, just don't bring up sex anymore.
And just when she says, well, I just say,
because I'm not comfortable with you talking about it.
All right?
I would just like to have a roommate-to-roommate relationship.
You know, I'm not trying to be a jerk here.
Just please don't talk about sex anymore.
And that would be perfect,
because then you would totally, like,
take away all of her powers.
You just took the rope away from Wonder Woman right there.
You know?
And once you take a rope off, she can't find her jet.
Isn't that how it worked?
Come on, nerds.
Any nerds listening to this?
Actually, that's not true.
She could see her invisible jet