Name: Bill Burr&Guest Jim Florentine - Roommates and Hooking Up
Uploaded: 2012-08-06T17:21:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Guest Jim Florentine - Roommates and Hooking Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-08-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Guest Jim Florentine - Roommates and Hooking Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-08-06. Transcript available.

My guest this week is somebody I've known, I think, for about 17 years, I was
thinking, Jim Florentine.
Jim Florentine.
Yeah, man, it's good to see you.
Yeah, it's probably been, I mean, we didn't, you know, we never did too many
gigs together or anything like that.
We were always, you know, you were doing your thing, I was doing mine, but...
You came up in Jersey and I was in the suburbs of Boston, but I always felt
like you guys, you, Norton, Voss, that whole crew,
even though Voss probably started in the 70s, but I'm just saying, like,
you guys kind of had the same thing where you weren't in New York City, like,
we both had to, like, migrate there.
And I feel like when I started coming, I started coming down to New York with
Patrice in, like, 94, 95,
moved there in, like, 95, and I don't think I saw you when you had the long
hair.
I think you had your hair cut by then, didn't you?
Yeah, well, 92, 93 is when me and Norton tried to start going in New York City
and just, you know...
Yeah, you remember that shit when we used to go down, when we used to do the
food spots at the cellar,
and we would do them, and then you'd play, everybody would play chess and just
shit on each other
if you weren't playing chess upstairs at the olive tree.
You know what I love about that?
Thank God nobody was, because I'm so fucking codependent.
If they were all drinkers, I would have been boozing, like, every night with
them.
But thank God they weren't, so everyone just sat around, like, Patrice never
drank,
Jim doesn't drink, Bobby didn't drink.
Yeah, none of those guys drank.
And I remember getting into this cycle of going down there and doing, like, a
12, 12, 30.
You know, David Tell was always at 12, so I'd be on after him, like, 12, 45, 12,
50.
And then you'd just sit there, and you'd always be like, I'm going home early
tonight.
I'm going home early.
The next thing you know, it was, like, 4 in the morning.
The amount of times I took the subway home, used to take the 6 from Astor Place.
I'd take it up when I was living with fucking Bobby, and we'd be getting off
the train,
and the sun was coming up, and people were coming out to go to work.
And it was so fucking busy.
It was kind of cool, but then also I always felt like a bum,
because I used to be, like, a morning person, had, like, a paper route and all
that type of shit.
And then you get in that awful cycle where you'd go to bed at, like, 7.30,
sleep till, like, 3 or 4, and then you'd just wake up and do what?
Get breakfast, and it was time to go down to the fucking cellar again.
Yeah, that's a tough – you know, I lived with Norton for, like, 4 years,
and that was his schedule.
I would go to bed at, like, 2.
I was never a 6 o'clock guy.
I'd go to bed at 2 and get up at 10.
He was a guy that, you know, at 7 in the morning, he'd still be up.
And then I'd have to wake him up at, like, 6 o'clock.
I'd go, dude, you got spots.
You got to the cellar at 8 o'clock.
I'd be waking him up at 6 o'clock.
How long did you live with him?
Like, three – probably three years.
And you guys were able – you guys seemed like you'd be able to get along good,
right?
Absolutely, yeah.
We got along great, man.
We lived right outside the city.
We paid, like, 300 bucks.
I had a girlfriend at the time that lived with us.
It was 900 bucks for rent.
So we split it three ways, 300 bucks a piece.
Perfect.
We were fucking five minutes away from the GW or the Lincoln Tunnel.
It was beautiful.
It was a shithole.
It was fucking mold all over the walls and stuff.
We didn't care.
Like, 300 bucks.
It's fucking beautiful.
I lived with Bobby, and we almost killed each other by the end.
But I actually learned how to let shit go.
Like, Bobby has this great thing where he can get past shit.
And I didn't – I didn't come from a school where you got past shit.
It's like you did something to me, and then we had fuck you, fuck you, and then
the shit was over.
But I learned through him how to be like, all right, dude, you know?
You don't write somebody off because they spilled orange juice on your fucking
little kitchen TV that you had there, you know?
But we lived in a – we lived three people in a walk-through one-bedroom
apartment.
That was one bedroom, and then it was like a sitting room.
Right.
And we actually used that as like the bedroom.
And then in the living room, Bobby had a pull-out couch that he slept on.
It was ridiculous.
And our roommate – any time we brought a chick back there, he always fucking
walked through.
Like, Bobby put like a shower curtain up.
It was fucking hilarious.
And the guy always would come fucking – and he'd fucking like try and peek in
to see the chick you were with.
Oh, yeah.
You know?
Not during, but like afterwards when you're fucking laying there.
So one time, Bobby fucking – you know, the dude came walking through.
So Bobby was naked, and he was underneath the covers.
So what he did when the guy was coming back was when he'd come back, because
the way you were laying in the bed,
and he'd look to see – I don't know, see your titties or whatever.
Bobby pulled the covers off of himself and was laying there totally naked.
And the dude came walking in and locked eyes with Bobby.
And Bobby was just like, what's up?
He never did it again.
Really?
He never did it again.
It was fucking – it was brilliant.
It was fucking brilliant.
It was classic Bobby Kelly.
Like, you know, I would have sat there for fucking four days trying to figure
out how I'm going to approach this subject with him.
He just got right to the core.
I'll just show him my junk.
Right.
That'll freak him out.
That's funny.
And I don't have to say anything.
It was fucking perfect.
That's great.
I used to have a roommate where his dad used to come home and want to look at
the girls that we brought home.
Yeah, he was real creepy, right?
Yeah.
Like, he fucked one of his son's girlfriends after they broke up.
Wow.
Yeah.
Was he a younger guy?
No.
I mean, you know, he was like 20.
He was probably like 45 and we were 20, something like that.
I mean, he was a bald dude.
He wasn't good looking at all or anything like that.
Jesus.
Yeah.
So I remember one time, like, we only had one bedroom.
We were sharing.
We had these two girls there.
And I was on the floor at one.
He was, the son was in the bed with the other.
And he comes home and he's peeking in and he turned the light on.
He looked, I'll never forget this.
It was so funny.
He looked at the bed and he couldn't really see.
And then he looked in the ground and he saw this girl and she was fucking fad.
Right.
That's what I got.
And he's like, who the fuck's with Orca down there?
I never forget.
He said that?
He said that.
Yeah.
What did the girl do?
She, I, we just put that like, ah, get out of here.
And we just put, you tried to drown him out.
We tried to, but we didn't drown out at all.
Cause it, it was, it was awful.
We were, we were like, I was trying to hold it in.
Cause it was pretty fucking funny.
Who's with Orca.
Yeah, dude, you had that thing.
Yeah.
I never had like, I could never hook up with somebody.
I was, I, some of my friends, they could just hit anything that fucking moved
just for the numbers.
I always had, there had to be some sort of like some sort of attraction.
Uh, I, I remember a couple of times my friends like, dude, what the fuck?
And I was just like, dude, she's gross.
And they'd be able to at least let her blow you.
And I was like, yeah.
So I tried to do that one time and ended up hooking up with this girl.
And she was, ah, she just was fucking, I, I don't, you ever hook up with a girl?
She's like young, but she wears like an old person's perfume.
Oh, she smelled like she was fucking 80.
She smelled like she was fucking 80.
And that's all I could remember.
I just remember banging her doggy style with my head turned to the side.
Yeah.
It was horrific.
No, that's, that's, that's bad.
I, yeah, I did.
I went through that phase for a while, but then I needed, you know, it had to
be quality, but there was times where, cause I had quality, dude.
I never saw it.
Like there was certain guys I saw, you know, they'd bring girls down to the
cellar.
I was never a guy who brought girls down to the cellar.
I never like, uh, I never trusted.
Like, I just feel like you're just bringing them down to the lion's den.
Well, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
I know.
If someone didn't take her, they, at the very least, you know, I would go down
there and take a pounding, some epic fucking pounding.
I remember one night Patrice was getting, was going after Norton and Norton had
some girl there and they got into it a little bit.
Uh, yeah.
Cause Norton doesn't like that.
Like if, you know, he says something cause Patrice will say something that a
girl or something, Norton doesn't like to get, you know, if he perceives, he's
getting totally makes sense, which totally makes sense.
But you know, Patrice, once he saw that, that Jim was annoyed, it was fucking
hilarious.
It was really, really fun.
Jim really got mad.
And, uh, you know, of course they, you know, they squashed it the next fucking
day, but it was hilarious.
Well, Patrice did that.
When I brought a girl down, she said something stupid while he was sitting at
the table.
He was trying to be nice.
And she just said something and I forget what it was.
And Patrice just laid into her and the girl's like, Oh, I'm going to go.
I'm getting out of here.
Why is he so mean?
Yeah.
Of course I was bad.
Now that I'm like, yeah, I go, he's an asshole.
I don't know.
You know, I thought he was my friend.
I don't know why I would say that.
Meanwhile, I'm like, that was fucking funny.
You deserved it.
But I wasn't going to say that.
No, I would Patrice and Keith Robinson.
If they were ever there together, it just was like, why would you do that to
yourself?
Like I didn't have the skill to still get laid after parading the girl past
those two fucking
guys because they were either going to trash her or they were going to trash me
and make
me look like an asshole or even where I really took some epic, epic fucking
poundings down
there.
I was not good at that.
It took me.
I was not good at that game.
Just sitting there trash people because the way I learned the game was it was
serious and
you went right for the fucking jugular.
Like Bobby has that a little bit.
Right.
Which is why we probably almost killed each other when we were living together.
I mean, we only got like, man, I guess I can go as long as I want, but I don't
want to
fucking, I go by the old showbiz adage of leaving them wanting more.
Yeah, absolutely.
But that's why my podcast is like 18 minutes, 23.
Dude, I fucking love your podcast.
Really?
Oh, me and Paul Verzi, like we, Paul Verzi does a great, he does a great Florentine.
Really?
I'm telling you, it's, it's, he got me, he's the one who told me that you were
doing,
cause I didn't know you were doing it.
He's like, dude, you got to listen to Florentine's podcast.
Oh, by the way, hype your podcast.
What, uh, where can people get it?
It's on iTunes.
It's comedy metal midgets.
It's called Jim Florentine comedy metal.
Comedy metal midgets.
And it's, uh, yeah, it's on my website, jimflorentine.com.
Oh, I'm trying to think of how he does the impressions of, uh, what are you
kidding me?
It's garbage.
It's just a joke.
Fucking joke.
Fucking joke.
Brutal.
Yeah.
I know some guy, uh, tweeted me a day.
He goes, dude, you sound so miserable when you start your podcast off.
I'm like, yeah, I am.
I'm fucking, yeah.
I'm fucking sitting in my office by myself and something fucking bothers me.
I go, I'm going to do a podcast about it.
I'm fucking, um, yeah, I'm angry.