Name: Bill Burr - Surprising Women And Sharks
Uploaded: 2012-08-14T03:19:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Surprising Women And Sharks' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-08-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Surprising Women And Sharks' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-08-14. Transcript available.

before i forget yeah i took a we actually took a water taxi um you know i
wanted to surprise nia
we're going on the water taxi and women are so fucking intuitive one of the
hardest things to
ever do is to surprise a woman the second you start thinking god i hope she
doesn't notice
god i hope she doesn't fucking ask me x y and z it's like they sense it they're
like fucking
dogs they just pick it up and be like what's wrong what's what's going on
nothing why are you yelling
at me what's going on freaking i was gonna fucking surprise you with this
fucking boat ride well you
don't have to yell they run real like i don't understand why every interrogator
on the first
48 isn't a fucking woman their ability that's that's one of those things that
nature gave them
nature knew right nature knew that fucking eddie nature he knew that um
that guys could just beat the shit out of women and there were no laws in place
you know back in the
day just whatever you wanted to do you know she gave you a rough time you just
balled up your big
fucking caveman fist hairy knuckles and all and you fucking cracked her right
in the fucking nose
and it bled all over her woolly mammoth two-piece that she was wearing and that
was the end of the
discussion so you know they had to adapt so fucking mother nature gave them
this fucking
i swear to god i can't get away with shit it is impossible to surprise nia i
just it's i can't
fucking it it drives me nuts i don't understand why there's not more women in
the world series of
poker all right bill we get it they can pick up what you're doing that's what i'm
saying so i was
sitting there trying i fucking finally just stopped and i said will you stop
fucking up this surprise
and then she just laughed you know probably because it made her feel more
secure
all right well good that's good to know that i can tell when he's fucking
acting weird so if he ever
did try to be deceitful i would be able to pick up on it you know what i mean
fucking maniacs so anyway
so i take her on this water taxi right i bring her over to one of these little
fancy fucking foo-foo
stores where they you know they go walking in where they have the lady gaga
wear in the fucking uh who's
who's another one of the whores that they all think is just amazing fashion
sense did you see the meat
dress oh my god not the meat dress they obviously don't like that but they like
that fucking veil in
the face shit don't they don't they all isn't it fair to just lump them all
into one category and then
just say something ignorant i think it is i think that's totally fair so
anyways we're riding over on
the water taxi and it's fucking tremendous you know the guy driving it's an ex
fucking fishing boat
captain so he's loving life you know he's got this great job he doesn't have
any crew that he has to
deal with he doesn't have to go out of the harbor you know he just gets to
cruise around on this little
boat so he's in a great mood you know he's making me a laugh and he's breaking
my balls where you're
taking her oh make sure he gets you something expensive blah blah blah and all
that shit we're
having a great fucking time so as we're going over there right all i'm doing is
uh and by the way if i
ever had a boat that's all i would do i would just go around the harbor there's
no way i would ever go
out to sea i am unbelievable i'm terrified did you see that fucking video of
that guy just sitting in
the ocean and that hammerhead shark just circling around him before they fished
him out
you know what i don't get i don't get why i can't just be in the ocean treading
water
like why that just immediately makes sharks go oh what the fuck is that i'm not
bleeding
i'm swimming just like a fish why are you so goddamn fucking interested in me
why are you
fucking 20 miles away going oh i i sense a pair of alabaster fucking legs in
the water i think i'm
gonna go over here and take a bite out of them see how they taste and then spin
back around again if i
like the way it tastes i'm gonna come back and kill it i just don't understand
that i could see if you
were dead you know and then you know they're like the garbage disposals of the
ocean they come by and
they fucking eat you but if i'm totally fine what is their fucking problem
there's plenty of fish in the sea right why you got to come at me what am i
doing i'm treading water
i know i don't belong here
it's just they're fucking annoying
another thing and another thing oh shit i'm on a fucking
i'm on a little fucking rant here
um which i'm not by the way i hate how everything's defined as a fucking rant
you know he everything's a fucking everything's awkward or it's a fucking rant
it isn't a rant
is to me is absolutely you're you've completely lost your shit you're screaming
there's fucking
god damn foam at the corner of your mouth that's a fucking rant
going on some little clever little fucking 45 second run it's not a rant all
right you dumb cunts
on the internet
can we clear that up and can we also clear up that the comic does not heckle
the crowd i know i brought
this up but it's becoming people keep saying that i loved when you heckled the
crowd no i'm on stage
when you're giving the performance you can't heckle the crowd
heckling a heckler is someone who disrupts a performance
if you're the guy on stage am i disrupting the crowd's performance
you're not giving one
sorry
um
yeah it's fucking shark week on the discovery channel
and i don't know if anybody who works at the discovery channel listens to this
podcast
all right but you guys are so fucking irresponsible over there
okay you do all this bullshit when you talk about sharks about how fucking
horribly they're misunderstood
you know
and the beauty of of the species and all this type of stuff but you always sell
it with that jaws vibe
you know what i mean it's like it's literally it's like fish fucking racism
like the way that they show sharks on the discovery channel is the way they
showed black people in the news when i was growing up
they did everything but played the jaws music
um back in the day and they're still doing it to sharks
all right and i want to know
where are all the african americans when it comes to this shit
you know why don't why don't you fucking reach out and have a little bit of
fucking empathy
you can't see you can't see the parallel uh the the the fucking cross-pollinization
whatever the fuck you call it
i don't know what i'm saying all i'm saying is i fucking hate the way they do
that where they sit there
and they they uh
they make it they make the shark out to be like
it's beyond instinct what it's doing
like it's sitting there rubbing its fins together thinking about fucking
sinister stuff to do
okay it's hungry
it's getting something to eat
you're a dumb fuck you're in the ocean
all right
i still don't get why if i'm just fucking treading water
why do you have to come over and take a bite out of my leg
leave me alone
i fucking hate it
i gotta tell you something when i was i was sitting there waiting for that
water taxi
just looking into that fucking black water
you know
you can't see you can't even see below the surface
i said to me i go
you couldn't pay me a million dollars to jump in that fucking water right now
right there
and immediately jump jump right back out i wouldn't do it
and she goes you know what you're an asshole
she goes i'm gonna go fucking jump in it
just to show you how ridiculous you're being
she goes there's no shark in there
and i was like you know what or maybe there is
did you see that fucking
those people fishing off their back porch
they caught that fish and all of a sudden a shark came out of nowhere
ugh
i just i fucking hate the ocean