Name: Bill Burr&Nia - Logan Airport
Uploaded: 2012-08-21T14:48:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia - Logan Airport' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-08-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia - Logan Airport' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-08-21. Transcript available.

Oh, by the fucking way.
Not by the way, people.
This is by the fucking way.
Which you know that I'm about ready to tell you some shit that I believe in,
baby.
I'm at Logan Airport.
Edward Lawrence Logan Airport.
I finally learned that.
Logan Airport is named after Eddie Lawrence Logan.
It was some sort of fucking military person who fought in the Spanish-American
War.
And that they used to have a statue of him before they had to make the airport
even bigger because people out-fucked it.
You know?
So I go there, okay?
And I go through security.
And they got the giant fucking microwave they want me to stand in with my legs
spread doing the Jay-Z symbol.
Right?
Well, the Sammy Hagar from the 5150 tour.
Depending on what generation you are.
Depending what side of the track you're from.
All right?
This podcast is for everybody.
I'm sure someone in the village people did it.
There.
See that?
Reached out to the gay community.
Swell guy.
Pat myself on the back here.
So anyways, I say I'm not fucking, you know, I'm opting out.
All right, sir.
Can you go stand over there?
I don't even like standing over there.
I used to work in a fucking dental office when I would take an x-ray of
somebody's tooth.
One little fucking thing.
And we put that camera right up to the side of their jaw.
We put a lead vest over all their vitals right down to their dick or hoo-ha.
And then I left the fucking room.
Stood behind a wall that had lead in it.
And I pressed the fucking button.
Now I'm supposed to stand there.
You know, like I'm just going into prison.
They do everything.
But you have you bend over and spread your fucking ass cheeks.
I'm like, I'm not fucking doing it.
And I know what people are saying.
Well, Bill, you talk on his cell phone, right?
That's fucking radiation.
You're flying an airplane, right?
That's fucking radiation.
I understand that I am getting radiated throughout the course of the day
in the way I live my life.
I understand that.
Okay?
But I don't need to get extra radiated.
So if there's a way to opt out.
Believe me, if there was a way to opt out of flying
on a fucking airplane.
A viable way.
Aside from just saying, fuck this business.
I'm going to buy an old bus and just drive around.
And that'll be my miserable life.
I would do it.
But the fact that I can just stand there for an extra 5, 10, 15 fucking minutes.
You know?
And rather than stand in that microwave,
I could just go over and just have some, you know,
sort of cute male person pat down my ass with the back of his hands.
Do you have any sensitive areas?
I would much rather do that.
Okay?
And then, you know, people have given me shit about it,
saying it's stupid, it's fucking pointless, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Well, so anyways, I'm at Eddie Lawrence Logan Airport, Edward Lawrence.
And I'm standing there.
I'm waiting.
You know?
And whenever you want to get fucking padded down,
they wait for fucking ever.
They make it take extra long.
I'm convinced that they do it just so you just say,
fuck it, I'm going to go into the toaster.
All right?
But I don't give a shit.
I always get to the airport early.
Because I know the game that they're running over there.
Oh, the lovely Nia, everybody.
How are you?
I'm good.
Come over here.
Talking to the microphone.
How you been?
We couldn't hear you last week.
Oh, I've been great.
Thanks for asking.
Great to be back.
Are you reading from a script?
I am.
Oh, who just woke up?
I am great.
Thank you for asking.
Yeah.
Where's the real Nia?
Who is this sexy robot that was replaced?
Listen to this shit.
I'm telling this story about, you know,
I always opt out of doing the Jay-Z thing
where they radiate everything but your fucking taint at the airport.
Jay-Z?
Yeah.
You know where you fucking, you have your hands like the Hova sign?
Oh, God.
Isn't that what it is?
Yeah.
So I'm standing there waiting, right?
And I'm staring down some bald-headed douche who knows.
First of all, they always have some chick there,
and she just goes, you know, what do they say?
A male, what is what they say?
Male pat-down or whatever they say?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Male support.
Mm-hmm.
Aisle five, whatever the fuck they say.
And it's typical chick voice where it can only carry.
What is that?
You guys aren't good at yelling.
Yes, we are.
I yell at you all the time.
I yell at you all the time.
Can't you get it?
You get it?
Yes.
Like no one hears it.
No.
No one hears it.
All right.
Go ahead.
I got the microphone away.
Yell male support aisle four.
Yell it.
I want to hear it.
That's good.
That has a sense of fucking urgency.
All right.
Then you know what?
They don't put their fucking heart in it.
They just go, male pat-down aisle four to say.
Well, because you can't be screaming like there's something going down or
whatever.
Yeah, but you got to communicate.
You got to communicate to those bald, fatties guys down there.
We're going to put the back of their hands on my ass there.
Well, they don't get it.
They have a whole little system that they're talking to each other.
Whose fucking side do you want here?
Not yours, obviously.
All right.
Well, listen to this shit.
Listen to this shit.
Wait a second.
Let me get to the point.
Do they ever go, male pat-down?
Hey, go get time out.
Time out.
Get another microphone.
Get another microphone.
Hang on a second.
We're actually going to pause the podcast.
Pod the podcast.
Pod the podcast.
All right.
So the magic of hitting pause.
What's something I never do on this thing?
I actually hit pause there.
So anyways, this is the deal.
So I'm going through security after all these people ridiculed me like, oh, you're
already
getting radiation anyways, man.
So why not stand there and literally have your entire body, but your taint lit
up, right?
So I'm fucking standing there and this lady is going, if I can get male support
out for,
you know, and I'm like, they're not hearing you.
They're not hearing you.
And then she goes, sir, could you stand over there?
I go, I'm going to stand right.
I need to watch my wallet.
Okay.
You can stand right there.
All right.
So anyways, this fucking Asian kid comes up.
Fat Asian kid.
One of the rare ones.
Why is that relevant?
Like, like, like, like, like a white elephant.
Why is that relevant?
Because Asian people are in great shape.
They eat great.
I don't know what it is.
They're in fucking awesome shape.
And every once in a while, you see one, you see a fat Asian, you're like, holy
shit.
Right?
I don't mean like he's a fucking did it on purpose to sumo wrestle.
This is just a fat kid.
Sumo.
Sumo?
Sumoan.
Whatever the fuck it is.
This fat Asian kid comes up.
Not relevant to the story.
It is.
For the comedy, it is.
Oh, I see.
All right.
Sorry.
Come on.
Listen, I trashed waspy fucking white people on this.
Oh, you did?
Did you talk about Nantucket?
Yes, I did.
Ahoy.
Ahoy.
Yeah, see, you just hate them.
And it's wrong.
I don't hate anybody.
I don't have hate in my heart.
All right.
Shut up.
Listen.
So this person, this fat kid comes up.
Yeah.
All right.
And the lady just goes, hi.
He couldn't even hear her.
He goes, he's like, what?
She's like, hi.
He's like, what?
And I want to be like, how old are you?
That's what the fuck she's trying to say.
Mm-hmm.
And he goes, 13.
And she goes, all right, come over here.
And she had him go through the old school one.
Yeah.
So basically, you want me to stand in something that could kill a 13-year-old.
That's what the fuck I'm supposed to do.
You know what?
On the way, wait.
On the way out, on the way back, two times that, four times a month, I'm going
to stand
in this thing that can kill a 13-year-old.
I'm sure it can't kill it.
Maybe it can affect his puberty or his growth or something.
I think women-
Maybe it can affect his dick.
I have a dick, too.
What?
Because my dick's old now?
Yeah, your dick is old.
It's already grown.
Your balls are down between your knees.
The pubes protect it.
No one cares about it anymore.
It's just kind of out of commission.
I think women can avoid that full-body thing by saying that they're pregnant,
and they won't
make you go in there if you say that you're pregnant.
Exactly.
I think I've heard that.
Women always have the, I'm just a girl excuse.
That's not an I'm just a girl.
To get out of horrific things that guys have to do.
But stick with the thing here.
If that fucking thing, how old are you?
13?
Get over here.
It might prevent him from getting chest hair or something.
But you, yeah, you're old.
They don't care about you.
It's the youth of tomorrow that we're concerned about.
Oh, there you go.
I sat there, and I almost-
You're out of the game, old man.
I almost-
I'm not even-
This isn't about me, whether I feel like I'm old or not.
I know I'm old.
I'm talking about suburban.
I almost high-fived myself.
I actually, I bursted out laughing.
Extra laughed, because I wanted fucking Mary Mumbles to be like,
Mary Mumbles.
Yeah, what are you laughing at?
I'm laughing because I'm doing the right thing.
If that fucking thing isn't safe for a goddamn 13,
I could see if it was a baby, making some little baby crawl through there.
It's a fucking kid who probably knows more about computers than I do.
And they're like, yeah, no, don't think so.
Come over here.