Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Exotic Pets
Uploaded: 2012-08-28T01:41:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Exotic Pets' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-08-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Exotic Pets' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-08-28. Transcript available.

advice exotic pets uh bill last week i was laid off from my office cubicle job
of four years
i am now a 25 year old unemployed college student struggling to make rent ah jesus
my heart goes out
to you brother but at least you're 25 you're not fucking married you don't have
any kids that's
the bright side and i know you don't need to hear that all right all right here
we go can't go back
to my parents as they are halfway across the planet in taiwan now my question
is do i continue to do i
continue trying to get back in the rat race or do i follow my dream of becoming
an exotic pet reptile
breeder jesus christ how the fuck do i are you just fucking with me this is
your dream well you know
what you are from taiwan i imagine everything that's considered exotic over
here is like nothing
you know i bet over in taiwan instead of getting like a bicycle as a four-year-old
they give you
like a defanged cobra or some shit um i'm sorry i just had to stop and laugh at
the ignorance of that
statement um anyways i have no experience in the field fantastic you're gonna
be on spike tv's a
thousand ways to die except okay except that okay i have no experience in the
field except for that i
have a snake and four hamsters as pets all right dude i don't want to burst
your bubble but there's
nothing exotic about hamsters even if you have four or cuatro sorry i started
the new fucking rosetta
i'm gonna start spanish again hmm yo tengo un pero it's gris a blanco
pero es bueno es loco a loco how the fuck you say it my dog's out of its mind
um
um i've been let's get back to this shit i think i just said the woman and then
green apple
there's really nothing that connected either one of those i'll go fuck yourself
i'm gonna do it
some point in my life i'm gonna become bilingual so anyways this dude wants to
start raising exotic
pets breeding them he has no experience now what kind of fucking snake do you
have
you know if you have a garden snake gardener i guess you got to start somewhere
you do have a reptile and uh four little rat things this is cool dude you know
what you're doing
you're doing like the open mics of this i get it you've got to start slow you
can't start right
with the black mamba gonna get yourself killed anyways he said i've been to the
reptile expo a
couple of times and saw that vendors there just breed and sell snakes for a
living and thought to
myself holy shit i want to do that encourage animals to bang and sell the
offspring all from
my own apartment living the dream what to do any advice uh what gave you the
balls to start stand up
um understanding the opportunity cost of the income of a full-time job uh any
advice would help thanks
mr burr all right all right what do you do here well dude you're doing the
right thing
you basically like you you go into one of those uh reptile expos and looking at
the douchebags doing
it and being like i could fucking do that was like me when i used to watch some
of those stand-up shows
and be like i'm funnier than this guy all right and you have the luxury of not
having a job right now
so you don't have to worry about you know well what if this interferes with my
job you don't have a
fucking job um your biggest thing right now dude is you need income all right
so i would continue
looking for a job that is flexible all right while you start building your
stockpile
of uh reptiles first thing i would do is i would go on the internet and i would
read as much as humanly
possible i would go to how to make two snakes fuck dot com i would start i don't
know what to tell you
dude i would just keep going to those expos like they're open mics i would keep
reading up on it i would
try and find uh this is what you do this is what you do act like you want to
buy a fucking snake
and go to some fucking dude and ask them how they got into the business as you
pretend like you know
like you're browsing maybe you can get a job working for one of those guys you
figure out what the fuck
he's doing right you pull a joe kennedy that i've learned reading in the
wonderful book the sins of the
father um yeah that guy used to work every place he'd work at a place for like
seven months to two years
he'd rifle through all the files get all this insider information make a boatload
of cash and leave the
fucking company in the shitter okay now i'm not saying to do that but fucking
work for these other
guys figure out what they're doing do what they're doing become better at it
that's what i would do if
you really want to do this shit i would but uh i gotta tell you this man um
i don't know how you make two pit vipers fuck each other
but uh i would definitely get a uh
i don't know
i get a thick pair of gloves
how do reptiles even get turned on they just have that fucking look on their
face like
you don't know what they're thinking you know i'll tell you if snakes had
fucking hands like they
would win world series of poker every year there'd be no fucking way to tell
what it had
is it holding shit is it got a full house i can't fucking just
sitting there sticking his tongue out of me