Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Friend's Unholy Wedding
Uploaded: 2012-09-05T12:56:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Friend's Unholy Wedding' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Friend's Unholy Wedding' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-09-05. Transcript available.

Friends Unholy Wedding.
Dude, I was doing so great on this fucking podcast.
I don't know, somewhere I lost the fucking momentum.
I lost my mojo when I was talking about why I laugh, you know,
at people with the fucking crutches falling down a flight of stairs.
I don't know why I got into that.
Friends Unholy Wedding.
Bill, I got a problem that I don't think I can go to my friends with.
A friend of mine is getting married.
I've been good friends with the guy since we were five years old.
We are now 23.
He's getting married about a year from now.
He has selected me to be the groomsman.
All right, I'm guessing either you fucked his wife, future wife,
or she's banged, you know, 70 people or is fucking around on him.
That's what I'm guessing.
Or she's into the devil.
One or the other.
This has to be why this is an unholy wedding.
All right, he's getting married about a year from now.
Good, you got time.
He is selected.
Sorry, Nia just was calling in.
She's going to kill me.
She's calling from another fucking country,
and I just shut it off because I got to finish this fucking podcast.
You're putting the podcast ahead of me?
Yes.
He's getting married about a year from now.
He has selected me to be a groomsman.
This means I have to pay for a flight to attend the wedding.
Furthermore, his bachelor party is being,
you cheap motherfucker.
This is what it's going to be about, money?
All right.
This means I fucking hate.
Oh, hang on a second.
The lovely Nia, everybody.
Nia.
Hey, listen, I'm doing the podcast.
Can I call you right back?
Oh, okay.
Say hello to the podcast listeners.
Hi, podcast listeners.
Tally-ho.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
See that?
She had a fucking hard day, and I'm not there for her.
What a piece of shit.
All right, let's get back to tightwad here.
And I have to buy a tuxedo, you know, or rent one.
This means I have to pay for a flight to attend the wedding.
Furthermore, his bachelor party is being held in Las Vegas,
and I would also have to pay for this flight,
as well as other expenses of a bachelor party.
Normally, this wouldn't be an issue.
I'm a college student, and saving the approximately $1,000 this would cost
would be stressful, but it would be worth it
to see one of my greatest friends get married.
Okay, so you're not a cheap fuck.
You're just having money problems.
However, my friend has often lied to and cheated on his fiancée.
Oh!
I didn't see that one coming.
Why didn't I guess that?
There you go.
There's a whole new fucking...
Jesus.
I'm not judging him.
I disapprove of how he treats her.
This guy's actually a good shit, and I actually called him a piece of...
Whatever.
I judged you on your first couple of sentences.
What are you going to do?
He goes,
I disapprove of how he treats her, but I don't get myself involved.
He sleeps around and hides from her the fact that he smokes pot
and drinks heavily on a daily basis.
I don't know how she hasn't noticed.
She's probably because she's a sweetheart.
Sweethearts always end up with fucking dicks like this.
She's never smoked or cheated, as far as you know.
I don't understand why he doesn't find a different relationship,
but again, I don't get myself involved.
The problem is, I can't imagine this marriage will last very long,
and I don't want to pay $1,000 for a sham marriage
at a time when $1,000 is like the lottery to me.
I'm actually offended that he's asked me to do all of this for the wedding
and thus spend all this money.
I cannot imagine asking any of my friends to throw away that much money
on something I didn't give a fuck about.
Should I decline to attend the wedding?
Any advice would be appreciated.
I don't know if I can go to our other friends with this one.
All right, there's, as always, there's a million different ways you can play
this.
There's two options.
Three options.
All right, one, you just fucking bite your tongue
and you just go to the goddamn wedding
and think that, all right, even though it's going to fucking blow up,
maybe he'll learn something from it
and then, you know, by the time he's 30, he'll grow up
and you guys can actually be friends again.
Two, you fucking, did I say there was three?
I already forgot the other one.
So there's only going to be two here.
Oh, why do you guys listen to this?
You know why?
Because it makes you feel better, doesn't it?
It should.
Good.
I feel like I'm serving a purpose now.
Just sit the guy down and be like,
dude, can I ask you a question?
Yeah, sure, man.
Yeah, what's up?
What the fuck are you doing?
What do you mean?
What am I doing?
I mean, what the, why are you getting married?
Because I love her.
Where is this going?
Dude, you're fucking everything that moves.
I walk slower when I'm around you.
That's how much shit that you're fucking.
Do you understand me?
Do you understand where I'm coming from?
And you're asking me to go out.
She doesn't know your booze.
She doesn't know that you smoke weed.
You know, this is a thousand bucks.
If you were actually, you know,
this is like me flying
to go see the fucking, I don't know,
go see the Padres versus the fucking Colorado Rockies.
What is the fucking point?
You know?
You're a piece of shit.
This marriage isn't going to last.
And what's worse is you're doing it in front of me
and then I got to sit there
and want to have a conversation.
You know, I got to figure out
what part of her face I'm going to look at
because I can't look at her in the eye.
You're dragging me into it.
Ah, Jesus, this is bad advice.
I mean, you got to,
at least don't say it that way.
Just be like, listen,
I don't have a thousand dollars.
I just don't have it to go to the marriage
and then to go to the wedding.
Start with that.
And then if he gives you shit,
just say,
oh, that's your other option.
Just say, listen,
I just don't have the money.
And you bite your tongue
and you look the other way
so you don't see the train wreck
that's going to happen.
That's the option.
Or you can just come clean
and just say, listen, dude,
I love you to death.
You're my buddy.
But what you're doing here,
this is wrong.
All right?
You're not being fair to her.
You're not being fair to me.
And yeah, you're fucking,
you're screwing yourself in the long run.
So this is what you want to do.
Go do it.
But I don't want to be a part of it.
All right?
Yeah.
So my guess is your best fucking option
as far as like the least amount of drama
is to,
and mental trauma for yourself
is to do the one I threw there in the middle
where you just said, listen,
I just don't have the money.
Dude, I can't believe
I'm supposed to be your bro, bro.
It's my wedding, dude.
I can't believe, dude,
I can't believe you're fucking everything that moves
and you fucking smoke weed
and you booze every day
and this girl doesn't even know.
How about that?
And you're acting like you're not doing it
even if it's fucking me
and you expect me to stand there.
Do you understand that?
Do you understand that I realize
that you're fucking everything that moves right now
and you're going to go marry this girl
and I'm going to have to sit there
and watch you toast this girl?
I love you.
You're the blood that pumps through my heart.
That bullshit I got to sit there
staring at my fucking lasagna.
You know there's going to be lasagna.
Anytime you got to cook for more than fucking 10 people,
they just make a big tray of that shit.
We have a meat base.
We have a vegetarian.
Isn't that a big fucking silver tray?
Okay.