Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Sex List
Uploaded: 2012-09-10T08:49:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Sex List' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-09-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Sex List' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-09-10. Transcript available.

All right. Fuck list. Bill, I wake up at my girlfriend's house. She leaves for
work. I can't find my socks. She says, I have some. She says, I have some. Just
use mine and leaves. I wake up later and I look for the sock drawer, top drawer,
right? And I find this list with about 20 to 30 names on it. And my name is
near the bottom. Oh, no.
Some have check marks on them, et cetera. I ask her about it. And while she's
initially upset, it turns out to be her fuck list. Wow. I don't even have a
fuck. I have a list in my head. She actually made a fuck list. Dude, you coined
a phrase.
She said she made it after we got together with some friends drunk one night.
She then admitted to being somewhat of a whore. Her words, not mine before we
met, but assures me that she hasn't done anything since she met me with anyone
else.
I do believe her, but I totally blew up on her and we haven't been talking for
a few days. I also look a bit creepy as to why I went through her door drawer.
It was in an envelope.
Yeah, you kind of look creepy, but she would have done that to you. Women call
it snooping. When we do it, it's fucking creepy. Anyways, he goes, I need some
help here on this one. Do I apologize? She already has. Do I just say fuck it
and forget about it?
What's Nia's take on it? God damn it. You know what?
I'm going to have to ask her take on that one. I'm not going to have it on this
podcast. When I, when I go home, I fly home tomorrow.
I'll try to, uh, have an epilogue to this podcast, um, or maybe tack it onto to
the following weeks.
That is a great question because I don't trust this girl, you know, that when,
when a girl is that fucking free.
All right. And I know girls are getting mad. Well, why can't we be as free as
you? I'll tell you why you can't, because you don't have to work at getting
laid.
Okay. I can be sexually liberated. I still have to go out to the bar.
I got to do a fucking tap dance, you know, like me getting laid. It's, it's
like somebody on fucking, uh, American Idol trying to get that ticket to Vegas.
You know, that's what it's like is it for most guys anyways, to get laid, even
if you get good at it.
It's, it's like fucking, you know, it's, it's, it's not hot, but you guys,
anytime you want to fuck, you can fuck.
Look at that girl tonight. She came up with her back out. I didn't know it was
there. I put my hand and I wasn't ready.
44 year old guy. I'm sitting there. I can't even fucking talk.
Um, so that's what I would be worried about.
She said she's a bit of a whore. Like,
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing or if like, uh, I, I don't,
I don't know about that one.
She sat down and she made a list.
Jesus Christ. 20 to 30 names. Now, this is the thing.
I don't know how old she is.
All right.
20, you know,
for a girl, 20 to 30 names,
I don't think
is even that bad.
The fact that she, well, I don't know, but it might be even worse because
they, they
are not honest
about their number.
They do the exact opposite of what we do.
Guys, we exaggerate our numbers.
They dial them fucking back.
Like,
like women's,
how many guys have you been with numbers
is like when
they put out
how many people are unemployed in this country.
You know,
they try to keep that number fucking down.
It's the same thing.
Uh,
a fuck list.
I mean,
uh,
I don't know.
I never get past that.
You sat around with your friends.
Are your friends all whores?
You know?
And it's not like they just sat there going,
oh yeah, you know,
I fucking,
you know,
Bobby,
Philip,
fucking
Dakota,
trying to have a fucking modern name.
Um,
Range Rover,
whatever fucking people call kids
boys now.
Um,
and then,
you know,
there's checks next to them of,
of like what she did with them
or how good the dick was.
And,
uh,
I,
I don't know if that's one of those things.
That they all fucking do.
And you just unfortunately peek behind the curtain
and you should let it go.
I have no experience with something like that.
Um,
oh,
this would have been a great Nia question.
I have to do this with her
and get into a fucking giant argument.
But then I run the risk
of possibly getting,
uh,
a fucking preview of her fuck list,
which I don't want to know about.
I don't want to know.
I mean,
I gotta be honest with you.
I don't give a fuck.
At my age,
I don't give a,
are you clean?
Good.
Okay.
What do I think?
You were fucking in a,
in a goddamn bubble.
I hope you banged enough guys
and learned how to fuck.
I really do.
Cause I don't need some fish in bed,
you know,
just laying there.
I haven't fucked a lot of people.
Great.
Isn't that great?
Do you want a pilot
who hasn't flown a lot of planes?
You know,
there's give and take.
Okay.
You got a girl
hasn't fucked a lot of guys.
And you know,
she sucks a dick.
Like she's eaten green beans.
That's the trade off.
You know,
ah,
dude,
that sucks.
That really sucks for you.
Why were you going to wear one of her socks to work though?
You know,
with,
with a little fucking Chris Everett ball hanging off the back.