Name: Bill Burr - Charlotte North Carolina
Uploaded: 2012-09-18T16:57:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Charlotte North Carolina' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-09-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Charlotte North Carolina' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-09-18. Transcript available.

I'm a little tired today. I think I consumed 10,000 calories yesterday. I was
down in Charlotte.
Charlotte, North Carolina, which is a phenomenal city.
As far as the people go. I have to be honest with you.
They do have way too many chain stores.
It's fucking unbelievable. Every goddamn fucking...
This is how many chain stores that they have.
I was on stage, you know, singing my songs.
Telling my jokes at the wonderful Comedy Zone in Charlotte.
And I asked the good people of Charlotte.
I said, hey, where can I go?
Is there a mom and pop restaurant somewhere?
Somebody local that I can give my fucking dollars that have no value behind
them to.
You know, is there a mom and pop place?
And this guy yells out, Bojangles.
Guy said, fucking Bojangles.
I gotta be honest with you.
I had never fucking heard of Bojangles, but evidently...
But you look at it, you know it's a chain.
It's a chain of, I guess, I don't know.
They make breakfast and they make chicken.
You know that weird thing?
Chicken and waffles.
Something I've never understood.
I like chicken and I like waffles, but I don't like them together.
Okay?
And if that makes me a food racist, then goddamn it.
Guilty as charged.
And I'll end this campaign right here.
I believe in keeping the lunch slash dinner food separate from the breakfast
food.
Okay?
You stay with your own.
Food racism here on the Monday Morning Podcast.
A shocking, shocking development.
That's how I feel.
You know?
I don't give a fuck if people mix around with each other.
I don't give a shit, obviously.
You know?
But you keep that food.
Food is old school.
Fucking syrup on my chicken.
It's disgusting.
Okay?
And if you're into that type of shit, you know what?
You're subhuman.
Zero tolerance for it.
Anyways, Bojangles, right?
And this guy's just like, Bojangles.
Like, this is a fucking mom-and-pop place.
Sorry for the echo.
I'm in my old apartment in New York.
All right?
And the teen idol sensation has moved on.
So I got my place back here, you know?
And I'm just hemorrhaging cash before I rent it out to some other motherfucker.
Anyways, plowing ahead.
The fuck was I just talking?
Oh, Bojangles.
If you look at Bojangles, even if you're not from the South, you look at it and,
you know, it looks like, you know, looks like a fast food joint.
I just love that this guy, I guess, evidently was so fucking untraveled, you
know, that he didn't realize that, you know, forget about around the South.
It's just in his own goddamn state.
I must have saw fucking five different locations.
Like, how small is this guy's world, you know?
Hey, buddy, you know, you got a mom-and-pop store around here?
Well, I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you the best secret in Charlotte.
They got a place called McDonald's.
All right?
It's this little store, man.
Like, everybody loves.
They've sold, listen, they've sold billions and billions of burgers, man, just
out of that one.
That's got to be a record.
I don't know why it's not in the Guinness Book.
I did the math.
Shit, you'd have to make about 100,000 burgers per day for, like, a lot of days
to get that kind of numbers.
You know, and you would think that when, you know, Obama came to town that he'd
swing by that one, but he didn't.
He went to fucking Jake's Good Eats.
That's where I ended up going, Jake's Good Eats, another one from Diners, Drive-Ins,
and Dives.
I checked out that one.
Fucking great barbecue.
Has a vinegar base.
Oh, Christ.
What the fuck am I talking about?
What is this?
A goddamn cooking show?
So, this week I was down in Charlotte.
Oh, my God.
Beautiful ladies.
Jeez, Louise.
It was in this little, first of all, the Comedy Zone of Charlotte is like, it's
one of those, like, perfect comedy rooms.
It's like a semicircle.
Everybody's all packed in.
Holds, like, 400 people, and you feel like it only holds 180.
It's awesome.
And, Jesus Christ, next door they have, like, a dance club.
See, you know, all these girls are coming out, right?
They got their little short shorts on, you know?
Just devastatingly gorgeous women the whole fucking time.
And I'm sitting there like the old creep I am.
Hey, how you doing?
All right.
You know, smoking a fucking cigar.
You know?
And I got to tell you, though, when they go to make the dazed and confused of
this era, you know, they always pick up on the craziest fashion.
They act like everybody was wearing them.
I'll tell you what they're going to be picking on.
Those fucking girls who wear those unbelievable.
It's like platform shoes, horseshoes that cover their entire foot.
They literally look like they have hooves.
You know?
They can't get any higher.
Their entire foot is covered.
And I'm looking at them, and they look like they're part like horse.
If you wanted to fuck a horse, though.
I'm not going to lie to you.
You still want to bang them.
But, I don't know, ladies.
Can we bring it fucking back down a little bit?
You know?
Bring it back down to just regular little high heels instead of, like, I mean,
how much are you going to...
It's, you know what it is when you see those girls with their fucking asses,
Jack, that fucking high up in the air, making it look like they're six foot one,
a fucking woman.
And in reality, all they are is about five foot two.
You know what that's like?
They're like a whore in, like, their contract year.
You know what I mean?
You know, like when you got some bum on your baseball team, he's just fucking
dogging it.
And all of a sudden, his contract is up, and then he tries that year, like
fucking Bob Stanley in the early 80s.
Fucking steamer.
Anyway, so I'm down in Charlotte, and I'm checking out the ladies.
And the last night I'm there, Saturday night, upstairs they have one of these
redneck kind of bars, you know?
It's like all hardwood floor and maybe two chairs.
You know what I mean?
It just had that whole, somebody's going to get suckered.
Suckered, right?
Somebody's just going to take a fucking beat down, you know, because somebody
knocked their best hat off their head, right?
One of those fucking cowboy stories.
And so I'm downstairs, and they have, like, live music.
One night they had, like, a bikini contest, and I went up there, and I looked
at the ladies.
I don't think those bikini contests pay shit.
You know what I mean?
Because there was, like, two cute girls.
They all had slamming fucking bodies.
Incredible fucking bodies.
All right?
But their faces, Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
They had bank teller faces.
All right?
Except at my bank, where everybody's all of a sudden extra goddamn friendly,
and they got all these hotties back there who are also being friendly, which
you know what that means.
This bank is about ready to close, and you're not getting your money out, right?
That's how I read that shit.
So anyways, they also have bands, right?
So I'm downstairs Saturday night, and I'm waiting to go on, and all of a sudden,
I just hear these two guys fucking wailing on the guitar.
Fucking wailing.
One of those things where you just have to stop what you're doing.
One of those things is if you had 400 people waiting for you to go on stage in
the next, who knows, one minute or six minutes, because I don't know how long
the middle's been on.
The wonderful Paul Cooper, right?
And I say Cooper?
Hooper.
Jesus, how fucking old am I?
Anyways, I fucking go up the goddamn stairs.
I have to see it.
I fucking go all the way up there.
All the way up to the top of the stairs.
And I come walking in there, and there's just this band playing.
There's a keyboardist, there's a drummer, and there's a bass player.
And I'm still hearing these two fucking guys battling on guitar.
I'm like, where the fuck are they?
They're actually off the stage, in the crowd, facing each other.
And they'd be like, yeah, yeah, that was pretty nice.
Yeah, that's a cute little fucking solo you just played.
Yeah, what about this shit?
And then the other guy would fucking go off.
And their shit was all intertwined like some fucking Ron Wood, Keith Richards,
Allman Brothers shit.
They were fucking incredible.
And there was that band driving and crying.
Do you remember them?
They had a couple of hits in the early 90s.
And I like their hits or whatever.
But I'm telling you, if you get a chance to see these guys fucking live, I'm
telling you.
I'm telling you.
Definitely, you got to go see them.
They're fucking definitely worth the...
It was one of the best live shows I've ever seen.
You know?
You were just seeing the real deal.
And...
How the fuck, though?
I don't even know.
You know what kills me?
I've been trying to describe how fucking all...
I can't.
You have to go see it.
You know what I mean?
Remember when you used to watch Stevie Ray Vaughan?
And you could just tell this guy doesn't give a fuck if he's in front of eight
people or 80,000 people.
He's giving it the same energy.
That's what the fuck these guys were doing.
It was the real goddamn deal.
All right?
And people were mesmerized, I would say, would be the proper word.
They were the shit.
So I'm actually going to...
I'm actually going to post a clip of something I was watching that gives sort
of an idea.
But if you ever get a chance to see those guys driving and crying, fuck their
hits.
Fuck all of that bullshit.
Just go down and see these guys live.
Especially now.
You know?
With all the bullshit.
These fucking goddamn whores getting on The Tonight Show going, you know,
Friday, Friday, Friday.
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
And they just fucking put them on there.
You know what I mean?
You can't get driving and crying on at least to fucking balance out the goddamn
untalented whore that you have at the top of the show.
No, no, that's not how show business works.
Coming out next, this guy who breeds caterpillars.
No joke, folks.
Right?
And then you come back and the host has a caterpillar on his head going, oh,
what do I do now?
And everybody's fucking dying, laughing like it's 1972.
Sorry.
All right.
So, anyways, I also, I went, oh, what did I do when I was out there?
So, I went and I went to that place, Jake's Good Eats, phenomenal fucking
barbecue.
With Paul Hooper, who I called Paul Cooper earlier.
Because I'm sitting in my little hot box of a fucking apartment here.
You know what it really is?
Is I ate 10,000 fucking calories yesterday.
That's what it was.
I went to the fucking Panthers game and I just, I just, you know, took my hands
off the wheel.
Somebody at 1130 in the morning said, do you want a beer?
And I'm thinking, yeah, you know what?
I do.
Even though I shouldn't, I do.
And that was it.
Had a couple of those in me.
Next thing you know, I'm fucking, I'm talking shit.
You know what's a crazy thing?
What is, Bill?
What is a crazy thing, you fucking jerk off?
Sorry.
What a stupid way to start a story.
Hey, guys, gather around for this crazy thing.
This is what happens to me.
By the way, that was my 110th professional franchise that I've seen a home game
at.
All right?
I'm closing, I'm getting closer.
I got 14 more to go.
14 more to fucking go.
I'm going to a Jaguars game coming up, a fucking Bengals game coming up.
And later on in the year, I'm going to go to a Saints game, I believe.
Anyways.
And will that fill the void, Bill?
No, I don't think it will.
But listen to this crazy story.
There's this weird thing that happens to me.
When I go to a sporting event of a team that I don't, I have anything vested in
them.
If I'm going to the home game of that team, when I see people wearing the
jersey of the other team, they make me angry.
And I immediately start cheering for the fucking home team like I was born and
raised there.
I don't know why.
It's just I hated when I was in Boston and fans from the other team would come
in.
You know?
And then their team would actually win and they'd be sitting there doing some
fucking dance and just the murderous thoughts that would go through my head.
You know?
That I wanted to punch them in the back of the head and watch them go like a
fucking sailor dive right off the upper deck.
You know?
Snap their neck and die.
And not only do I not get charged with murder, they actually give me season
tickets for 10 years for being such a good shit.
For having such loyalty to my team and zero tolerance for any other guy with a
different colored shirt.
Right?
Maybe that's what it is.
But I went there and all of a sudden all these Saints fans with that fucking,
who dat?
Who dat?
Who dat think they're going to beat them Saints?
You know?
All these fucking Saints fans.
You want to talk about bandwagon.
You got to go for the New Orleans Saints.
There hasn't been a Saints fan my entire fucking life.
I've never seen one in a goddamn sports bar.
When I was out in L.A., it's a transient city.
You see the jersey of every fucking goddamn team out there.
I don't care how bad they are.
They got a couple of fans.
You know, never saw a Saints jersey until all of a sudden they're in the Super
Bowl.
Then all of a sudden, out of the fucking goddamn woodwork, like tree people.
They opened their eyes like Rambo when he was covered with the mud.
And all of a sudden they were everything.
Who dat?
Who dat think they're going to beat them Saints?
You know who?
Carolina.
That's who.
I called that pick six, like Paul Verzi.
I called it on the first series.
I go, watch this pick six.
It's over.
I said that on the first play like an asshole because I was already getting
buzzed, screaming and yelling.
It wasn't until the second series the dude threw a fucking pick six, but he was
off all day.
But I'll tell you, their fucking tight end was wide open the whole goddamn game.
You know?
Oh, that's something else I forgot to tell you.
This fucking random podcast all over the place.
I'm sitting in the green room after a show.
And this dude, Mike, you know, you want to talk about a guy who looks like a
coach.
He comes in.
He goes, hey, Bill, so-and-so, the backup quarterback from the Carolina Panthers
is here.
You know, you want to meet him?
I was like, you're fucking kidding me?
Of course I do.
Kevin, come in.
So in walks this fucking lanky guy.
Sort of muscular, but not really, with his little fucking girlfriend.
I'm like, hey, man, how you doing?
He goes, hey, what's going on?
Blah, blah, blah.
I'm like, hey, I'm going to the Panthers.
He sits down.
You know, have a seat.
I'm like, I'm going to the Panthers game on Sunday.
He's like, oh, man, that's great.
I'm like, you know, what do you think?
What do you think about Sunday?
You know, trying to get a little gambling information out of him.
And he's like, oh, man.
He goes, I think Cam's going to have a big day.
I think he's going to kill it.
Right?
I'm thinking like, wow, that doesn't sound like something a backup quarterback
was going to say.
What a fucking team player or maybe he just doesn't want any gossip out there
and he knows how to play the game.
So I go, I go, that's great, man.
I go, wait, where'd you play ball at?
I go, what'd you play ball at in college?
He goes, he goes, oh, I didn't play ball in college.
I go, what are you, a walk-on?
You have walk-ons on NFL teams?
He goes, no, I'm not.
Walk on, walk on to what?
Turns out the guy wasn't the backup quarterback for the fucking Carolina Panthers.
He was just some fucking guy.
And here I am inviting him into the green room, having him sit down.
He's got to be thinking, this guy has got to be the most generous entertainer
of all fucking time.
Why did he pick us?
Everybody else is walking out.
I got to remember what this shirt is.
Whatever outfit I'm wearing, a cologne.
I got to go out every, did I have that body spray where the fucking chicks
tackle you in the commercial?
Well, how the fuck did the, dude, once we found out he wasn't the fucking QB.
I mean, you want to talk about awkward because now it's like, oh, all right,
then get the fuck out of here.
You can't do that.
I just laughed.
I was like, all right, well, fuck it.
You're in here.
Let's talk sports.
And I actually hung out.
You know, we took some pictures and all that bullshit.
But I don't know.
It was, it was, you know what, it was only mildly embarrassing.
It wasn't that bad.
I went to the drag races on Saturday.
I'm going to post some video on that.
Fucking going to a racing event is one of the greatest things you can ever do.
Because when you look down in the pits, like the discrepancy between what's
going on in the pits and what's going on in the stands is absolutely staggering.
Like in, in, in the pits, you're dealing with like NASA, NASA level
intelligence.
Okay.
These, and then you go like literally right across the track and there's just
some guy.
Come on, kale.
Um, sorry.
I'm looking at my phone here.
I really just bailed on that whole fucking comedic shit there.
Um, but with drag racing, you think that you want, you, first of all, you sit
there, it's 8,000 horsepower.
Those funny cars, they, they fucking go by.
Literally my balls were shaken on the aluminum bench that I was sitting on.
You know, although I got to tell you, I swear to God, every other one of them
blows their fucking engine.
I don't know what it is.
I think if I was a drag racer, I w I would, I would ease off.
And I actually think that even though I wouldn't win the championship, I think
I could exist in the middle of the pack.
The exact thing that I said Americans wouldn't do earlier in bike racing.
I would actually do in drag racing.
I would just be like, look, I got at least a 60%, 70% chance that this guy next
to me is going to blow out his engine.
I'll just slow and steady it.
That's what it was.
Every other fucking race, you know, one guy would make it.
The other wouldn't.
And then one guy would blow by and then the other guy would come creeping by.
So it would basically sound like this.
That second awful sound effect from the Michael Winslow catalog.
Actually, no, he would do it perfectly from the Bill Burr's answer to Michael Winslow.
That was supposed to be the second car.
Whatever.
I got fucking video footage of it.
But if you ever go to drag racing, the real show is in the pits because with
between each race, they basically break those engines down.
I'm talking fucking they take the top of the goddamn engine off, pull out the
pistons.
They take the fucking clutch out while it's still steaming hot.
They got these giant fucking outbreak gloves, you know, infectious disease
gloves, right?
They fucking are pulling this shit out and they just they in 70 or 75 minutes,
they can fucking rebuild an engine.
And it's just like you just watch seven guys attack this thing.
Each one of them has those torque wrenches.
So just these fucking guys are going nuts.
And there's another I got one video.
One guy, he's literally putting like that fucking thing over his head so his
head doesn't catch on fire.
I don't know what the fuck he was doing, but I got some great footage that I'm
actually going to I'm going to send to my buddy who puts up the podcast here.

Bill Burr - Charlotte North Carolina

I'm a little tired today. I think I consumed 10,000 calories yesterday. I was
down in Charlotte.
Charlotte, North Carolina, which is a phenomenal city.
As far as the people go. I have to be honest with you.
They do have way too many chain stores.
It's fucking unbelievable. Every goddamn fucking...
This is how many chain stores that they have.
I was on stage, you know, singing my songs.
Telling my jokes at the wonderful Comedy Zone in Charlotte.
And I asked the good people of Charlotte.
I said, hey, where can I go?
Is there a mom and pop restaurant somewhere?
Somebody local that I can give my fucking dollars that have no value behind
them to.
You know, is there a mom and pop place?
And this guy yells out, Bojangles.
Guy said, fucking Bojangles.
I gotta be honest with you.
I had never fucking heard of Bojangles, but evidently...
But you look at it, you know it's a chain.
It's a chain of, I guess, I don't know.
They make breakfast and they make chicken.
You know that weird thing?
Chicken and waffles.
Something I've never understood.
I like chicken and I like waffles, but I don't like them together.
Okay?
And if that makes me a food racist, then goddamn it.
Guilty as charged.
And I'll end this campaign right here.
I believe in keeping the lunch slash dinner food separate from the breakfast
food.
Okay?
You stay with your own.
Food racism here on the Monday Morning Podcast.
A shocking, shocking development.
That's how I feel.
You know?
I don't give a fuck if people mix around with each other.
I don't give a shit, obviously.
You know?
But you keep that food.
Food is old school.
Fucking syrup on my chicken.
It's disgusting.
Okay?
And if you're into that type of shit, you know what?
You're subhuman.
Zero tolerance for it.
Anyways, Bojangles, right?
And this guy's just like, Bojangles.
Like, this is a fucking mom-and-pop place.
Sorry for the echo.
I'm in my old apartment in New York.
All right?
And the teen idol sensation has moved on.
So I got my place back here, you know?
And I'm just hemorrhaging cash before I rent it out to some other motherfucker.
Anyways, plowing ahead.
The fuck was I just talking?
Oh, Bojangles.
If you look at Bojangles, even if you're not from the South, you look at it and,
you know, it looks like, you know, looks like a fast food joint.
I just love that this guy, I guess, evidently was so fucking untraveled, you
know, that he didn't realize that, you know, forget about around the South.
It's just in his own goddamn state.
I must have saw fucking five different locations.
Like, how small is this guy's world, you know?
Hey, buddy, you know, you got a mom-and-pop store around here?
Well, I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you the best secret in Charlotte.
They got a place called McDonald's.
All right?
It's this little store, man.
Like, everybody loves.
They've sold, listen, they've sold billions and billions of burgers, man, just
out of that one.
That's got to be a record.
I don't know why it's not in the Guinness Book.
I did the math.
Shit, you'd have to make about 100,000 burgers per day for, like, a lot of days
to get that kind of numbers.
You know, and you would think that when, you know, Obama came to town that he'd
swing by that one, but he didn't.
He went to fucking Jake's Good Eats.
That's where I ended up going, Jake's Good Eats, another one from Diners, Drive-Ins,
and Dives.
I checked out that one.
Fucking great barbecue.
Has a vinegar base.
Oh, Christ.
What the fuck am I talking about?
What is this?
A goddamn cooking show?
So, this week I was down in Charlotte.
Oh, my God.
Beautiful ladies.
Jeez, Louise.
It was in this little, first of all, the Comedy Zone of Charlotte is like, it's
one of those, like, perfect comedy rooms.
It's like a semicircle.
Everybody's all packed in.
Holds, like, 400 people, and you feel like it only holds 180.
It's awesome.
And, Jesus Christ, next door they have, like, a dance club.
See, you know, all these girls are coming out, right?
They got their little short shorts on, you know?
Just devastatingly gorgeous women the whole fucking time.
And I'm sitting there like the old creep I am.
Hey, how you doing?
All right.
You know, smoking a fucking cigar.
You know?
And I got to tell you, though, when they go to make the dazed and confused of
this era, you know, they always pick up on the craziest fashion.
They act like everybody was wearing them.
I'll tell you what they're going to be picking on.
Those fucking girls who wear those unbelievable.
It's like platform shoes, horseshoes that cover their entire foot.
They literally look like they have hooves.
You know?
They can't get any higher.
Their entire foot is covered.
And I'm looking at them, and they look like they're part like horse.
If you wanted to fuck a horse, though.
I'm not going to lie to you.
You still want to bang them.
But, I don't know, ladies.
Can we bring it fucking back down a little bit?
You know?
Bring it back down to just regular little high heels instead of, like, I mean,
how much are you going to...
It's, you know what it is when you see those girls with their fucking asses,
Jack, that fucking high up in the air, making it look like they're six foot one,
a fucking woman.
And in reality, all they are is about five foot two.
You know what that's like?
They're like a whore in, like, their contract year.
You know what I mean?
You know, like when you got some bum on your baseball team, he's just fucking
dogging it.
And all of a sudden, his contract is up, and then he tries that year, like
fucking Bob Stanley in the early 80s.
Fucking steamer.
Anyway, so I'm down in Charlotte, and I'm checking out the ladies.
And the last night I'm there, Saturday night, upstairs they have one of these
redneck kind of bars, you know?
It's like all hardwood floor and maybe two chairs.
You know what I mean?
It just had that whole, somebody's going to get suckered.
Suckered, right?
Somebody's just going to take a fucking beat down, you know, because somebody
knocked their best hat off their head, right?
One of those fucking cowboy stories.
And so I'm downstairs, and they have, like, live music.
One night they had, like, a bikini contest, and I went up there, and I looked
at the ladies.
I don't think those bikini contests pay shit.
You know what I mean?
Because there was, like, two cute girls.
They all had slamming fucking bodies.
Incredible fucking bodies.
All right?
But their faces, Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
They had bank teller faces.
All right?
Except at my bank, where everybody's all of a sudden extra goddamn friendly,
and they got all these hotties back there who are also being friendly, which
you know what that means.
This bank is about ready to close, and you're not getting your money out, right?
That's how I read that shit.
So anyways, they also have bands, right?
So I'm downstairs Saturday night, and I'm waiting to go on, and all of a sudden,
I just hear these two guys fucking wailing on the guitar.
Fucking wailing.
One of those things where you just have to stop what you're doing.
One of those things is if you had 400 people waiting for you to go on stage in
the next, who knows, one minute or six minutes, because I don't know how long
the middle's been on.
The wonderful Paul Cooper, right?
And I say Cooper?
Hooper.
Jesus, how fucking old am I?
Anyways, I fucking go up the goddamn stairs.
I have to see it.
I fucking go all the way up there.
All the way up to the top of the stairs.
And I come walking in there, and there's just this band playing.
There's a keyboardist, there's a drummer, and there's a bass player.
And I'm still hearing these two fucking guys battling on guitar.
I'm like, where the fuck are they?
They're actually off the stage, in the crowd, facing each other.
And they'd be like, yeah, yeah, that was pretty nice.
Yeah, that's a cute little fucking solo you just played.
Yeah, what about this shit?
And then the other guy would fucking go off.
And their shit was all intertwined like some fucking Ron Wood, Keith Richards,
Allman Brothers shit.
They were fucking incredible.
And there was that band driving and crying.
Do you remember them?
They had a couple of hits in the early 90s.
And I like their hits or whatever.
But I'm telling you, if you get a chance to see these guys fucking live, I'm
telling you.
I'm telling you.
Definitely, you got to go see them.
They're fucking definitely worth the...
It was one of the best live shows I've ever seen.
You know?
You were just seeing the real deal.
And...
How the fuck, though?
I don't even know.
You know what kills me?
I've been trying to describe how fucking all...
I can't.
You have to go see it.
You know what I mean?
Remember when you used to watch Stevie Ray Vaughan?
And you could just tell this guy doesn't give a fuck if he's in front of eight
people or 80,000 people.
He's giving it the same energy.
That's what the fuck these guys were doing.
It was the real goddamn deal.
All right?
And people were mesmerized, I would say, would be the proper word.
They were the shit.
So I'm actually going to...
I'm actually going to post a clip of something I was watching that gives sort
of an idea.
But if you ever get a chance to see those guys driving and crying, fuck their
hits.
Fuck all of that bullshit.
Just go down and see these guys live.
Especially now.
You know?
With all the bullshit.
These fucking goddamn whores getting on The Tonight Show going, you know,
Friday, Friday, Friday.
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
And they just fucking put them on there.
You know what I mean?
You can't get driving and crying on at least to fucking balance out the goddamn
untalented whore that you have at the top of the show.
No, no, that's not how show business works.
Coming out next, this guy who breeds caterpillars.
No joke, folks.
Right?
And then you come back and the host has a caterpillar on his head going, oh,
what do I do now?
And everybody's fucking dying, laughing like it's 1972.
Sorry.
All right.
So, anyways, I also, I went, oh, what did I do when I was out there?
So, I went and I went to that place, Jake's Good Eats, phenomenal fucking
barbecue.
With Paul Hooper, who I called Paul Cooper earlier.
Because I'm sitting in my little hot box of a fucking apartment here.
You know what it really is?
Is I ate 10,000 fucking calories yesterday.
That's what it was.
I went to the fucking Panthers game and I just, I just, you know, took my hands
off the wheel.
Somebody at 1130 in the morning said, do you want a beer?
And I'm thinking, yeah, you know what?
I do.
Even though I shouldn't, I do.
And that was it.
Had a couple of those in me.
Next thing you know, I'm fucking, I'm talking shit.
You know what's a crazy thing?
What is, Bill?
What is a crazy thing, you fucking jerk off?
Sorry.
What a stupid way to start a story.
Hey, guys, gather around for this crazy thing.
This is what happens to me.
By the way, that was my 110th professional franchise that I've seen a home game
at.
All right?
I'm closing, I'm getting closer.
I got 14 more to go.
14 more to fucking go.
I'm going to a Jaguars game coming up, a fucking Bengals game coming up.
And later on in the year, I'm going to go to a Saints game, I believe.
Anyways.
And will that fill the void, Bill?
No, I don't think it will.
But listen to this crazy story.
There's this weird thing that happens to me.
When I go to a sporting event of a team that I don't, I have anything vested in
them.
If I'm going to the home game of that team, when I see people wearing the
jersey of the other team, they make me angry.
And I immediately start cheering for the fucking home team like I was born and
raised there.
I don't know why.
It's just I hated when I was in Boston and fans from the other team would come
in.
You know?
And then their team would actually win and they'd be sitting there doing some
fucking dance and just the murderous thoughts that would go through my head.
You know?
That I wanted to punch them in the back of the head and watch them go like a
fucking sailor dive right off the upper deck.
You kno