Name: Bill Burr - Advice: A LAY-dee Roommate
Uploaded: 2012-09-25T13:21:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: A LAY-dee Roommate' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-09-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: A LAY-dee Roommate' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-09-25. Transcript available.

A lady roommate, hey Bill, huge fan of the show, wanted to see if you had any
advice for this situation I found myself in.
A little over a month ago, I moved to Phoenix and moved in with a friend of, oh
yeah, did you go up Camelback Mountain yet?
That's a fucking great hike. You gotta go up that one.
Somebody dies up there every fucking year, which always cracks me up to be like
alone in the wilderness while you can actually see buildings in the distance.
That's gotta be so frustrating.
Little ugly ass fucking roadrunners.
All right, a little over a month ago, I moved to Phoenix and moved in with a
friend from college.
No real problems there, but he did have a female college-aged roommate that he
got along with, so we ended up settling on a three-bedroom.
All right, so it's two dudes and a chick.
This is already like a sitcom. This is like fucking Reverse Three's Company.
Come and knock at my door, let's wait for you.
Remember how fucking America was just like that, you know, nice and simple?
I guess it was probably fucked up then. I was just too young to notice, sitting
there eating a Popsicle.
Well, the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company.
Doop, be-doop, boo-doop, boop.
Larry's upstairs, 50 years old, fucking everything that moves.
All right, I only know a few people in town, and my work schedule is grueling.
It makes it really hard to meet too many people over the course of the week.
All right, so you're setting up your excuse for why you're already fucking your
friend's friend.
All right.
You know, I work a lot. I can't get to meet people.
Why go out for pussy when it's right next door?
I get it, buddy. I get it.
You know?
It's Discovery Channel.
Does the lion go after the toughest zebra or the fucking wounded one?
Or the little baby one?
Or the one walking around wearing the fucking juicy shorts?
I'm sure by now you've pinpointed the key word in the above paragraph, female.
Yes, I have, sir. Yes, I have.
So you can see where this is going.
My second weekend here, we all go out, get sloppy, jalopy drunk.
And she informs me that she broke up with her boyfriend of five years.
Ah, wonderful.
So, of course, I do the gentlemanly thing and fucked her brains out.
Oh, he goes, so, of course, yeah, I do the gentlemanly thing and fuck her
brains out.
Or flop around like a dead fish on top of her.
It's one of those two.
Once I'm done, I leave, I go to my room, and we don't mention it in the morning,
and it's not awkward at all.
Ah!
If I had the Alleluia song.
Oh, that's fucking great.
Would you guys look down at me if I told you that I was just jealous of this
person right now?
That's fucking perfect.
And the hardest thing is going to be for you to not fuck this up.
For you not to develop feelings.
Okay?
You know, that's going to be a hard one.
But if you can somehow do it, if you can somehow keep yourself separated, you
know?
You could just, it would be like,
it'd be like stamps.com, having the post office in your fucking apartment.
Now you got the post office in your apartment, and now you have this blowjob
machine also there.
I mean, it's just tremendous.
You know?
And then all you got to do is just decide what kind of food you're always going
out for,
and you really like, and you buy that appliance.
Be it a panini maker, or a fucking cappuccino maker.
You got that, stamps.com, and the blowjob machine down the hall.
And I tell you, that's it.
Get the NFL package.
Call it a life.
So anyways, he goes, we've gone about doing this for a few weeks now,
but since I'm never home during the week,
and she works during the day and weekends, we don't exactly see each other.
And when we do, we literally never say anything about it,
or hint at it at all, etc.
Dude, please don't fuck this up.
Please don't fuck this up.
Okay?
He says, my question,
Being as this is the first time something like this has happened,
is this a time bomb waiting to happen,
where all the crazy is going to come flying out like the Ark of the Covenant,
or is she just rebounding, and I'm the free and clear until I settle in and
find something else?
Keep in mind, keep in mind that Jesus Christ,
sorry, I didn't go to church today,
has died for all, and has risen from the grave.
He did it all for you,
there's no way for you to thank him.
Unless you give us a bunch of money.
Keep in mind, I've never been accused of being good looking,
and she's pretty cute with a grade A ass on her.
Any advice is appreciated,
and I guess go fuck yourself.
Okay.
All right, you did the right thing.
You know you've got a great situation,
and you don't want to fuck it up.
You know, this is like the first time I went deep sea fishing,
and I got a bite, and I looked at the dude next to me.
Am I doing it right?
What do I do?
Oh, let it run a little bit.
Let it run a little bit.
Hey, bring it in, right?
You're doing the same thing.
All right, so what is your question here?
Is this a time?
Okay, there's the wild card that she's a psycho,
but she would have shown her colors by now,
I would think, if she was a psycho.
You know?
There would have been some sort of,
you know,
God, you work so much,
I don't get to see you.
I just want to see you more.
She would have been doing that, you know?
Fucking twisting your arm here,
or doing something fucking annoying.
Some sort of annoying sort of touching, right?
So she hasn't done that.
She's totally putting out the vibe that she's basically in the mindset,
this thing seems like it's exactly what it is, you know?
She was in a relationship for five years.
Five years, man.
She's got to decompress from that, all right?
She likes to go out and get hammered and get fucked and go to bed
and not see you dumbass for the whole week, all right?
Just keep it at that.
This is the deal.
You don't ever bring it up either.
You don't ever bring it up either.
Just keep it the way it is, all right?
If she's barely talking to you,
you barely talk to her,
and you just have fun with it.
And this is another thing you do, all right?
Have fun with this shit.
What are some things that you always wanted to do with a woman
and you haven't done yet?
This is the girl you do it with, all right?
And she's going to probably do it with you too
because she doesn't give a fuck about you,
which is a great thing.
What you have, sir, is a fuck buddy.
Congratulations.
This is your first one.
This is what men dream of.
This is what men really want for Christmas.
This is what we want for Christmas.
You know?
If we could just have a fuck buddy.
Somebody who was clean, with no diseases, you know,
and somehow then had this pill they could give you
that you drank, you know, you washed it down
and it got rid of any sort of fucking guilt,
it would be perfect.
But you're single, dude, so there's no guilt.
So my thing is just don't open your mouth
and fuck this thing up, all right?
You got a great thing going, okay?
Just keep doing what you're doing.
And the only thing I would correct is this whole thing
where you say, you know, I'm not that good looking a guy.
You know, work on your self-esteem.
She's pretty cute.
Hey, you know, good for her.
She's got a nice ass.
Why don't you go fucking do something to it?
But not during the week.
No fucking during the week.
You focus on your job.
You have a great fucking time.
And I know what, you know,
I guess eventually if you do meet somebody
and you start bringing them around,
there is a potential.
But you just got to nip that shit in the butt.
I guess if you actually met somebody that you liked.
Ah, Jesus.
I just just, yeah, I didn't think about that.
All right, first things first,
before we even get over to her,
I mean, okay, whole new can of worms here.
Dude, you have to be cool first and foremost, all right?
Because eventually, you know,
if she meets some other dude,
you got to make sure that you're not going to flip out.
So do not develop any feelings for this girl.
And the only way you're not going to develop
any feelings for this girl
is if you see her once a fucking week
and you bang her, okay?
You don't want to know
how many brothers and sisters she has, right?
It's like reservoir dogs.
You guys shouldn't even know each other's names.
Tell me your name.
Don't tell me your fucking name.
I don't know your name.
Yeah, you don't know.
You want that, all right?
All right, you're fucking Mr. Pink or whatever.
She's Mr. Blonde or Mrs. Blonde.
Sorry.
That's the only thing you got to worry about.
All right?
So, and I've learned to just be totally fucking upfront and honest.
So if I got some new girlfriend,
I would just tell her what's up.
So what's your deal?
Yeah, I'm single.
I'm kind of banging my fucking roommate once a week.
You know, we don't, you know,
it's just sort of a fuck buddy thing.
Oh, does that make you uncomfortable?
Well, all right.
Well, then this relationship isn't going to work
because you're already uncomfortable with me.
No, if I got feelings for you,
I wouldn't keep banging her.
But, you know, I'm not taking it off the table
after one fucking trip to Applebee's.
Jesus Christ, free pussy.
That's like free shoes for you, right?
You know, I don't know.
That's all I can tell you, dude.
You can't control her.
Who gives a fuck, dude?
Someday you're going to be 50
and you're going to be married
and she's going to be bitching at you about something.
Even if you love her,
at some point you're just going to be reminiscent going,
you know when my life was the greatest?
It was when I had that little fucking goddamn
three-bedroom apartment.
All I had to do was make this amount of money a week
and I had some chick once a week
would just fuck my brains out
and not talk to me for the other six days.
Goddamn dream.
You got the dream, sir.
All right?
And I don't know when you're going to wake up.
But enjoy it while it lasts.
Okay?
I hope I answered your question.
I really do.
You're in a hell of a situation.
Enjoy it.
All right?
Kudos to you.
I am jealous.