Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Sleepwalk Banging
Uploaded: 2012-10-02T13:38:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Sleepwalk Banging' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-10-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Sleepwalk Banging' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-10-02. Transcript available.

um sleepwalk banging a belly boy I need some advice for something I can
guarantee you haven't
gotten an email about before this one is personal it's not really what are you
hyping your fucking
goddamn thing just get to it all right over the last year I have discovered
that I engage in
sleepwalking behavior the most hilarious part of it I think fucking Mike Birbiglia
wrote a whole
one-man show that's now a movie about this so I really don't think you're
breaking new ground
although I'll give you the I'll give you the benefit of the doubt the most
hilarious part of it is
that I engage in sleep sex
okay you know what go fuck yourself do you think I'm dumb enough to believe
this
you're either just making this shit up or you're a fucking pervert and you're
going around basically
sexually assaulting other people and then ah I was asleep sorry that I put my
dick on your
lip uh my fault I was sleeping um anyways let's let's just you know to fill up
the hour I'm going
to read the rest of this but I'm already calling bullshit because I've been
with my girlfriend for
four years now we're both 22 years old we share a room in a house together with
other housemates
and let me guess you wander in and accidentally fuck somebody else is that what
you're going to tell
me is that really where this fucking email is going to go um I found out that
if we don't have sex at
least once every two days I will basically begin to perform sex acts on her
while I sleep dude you are
so full of fucking shit
I will have absolutely no memories of these here's his out
oh did I fucking finger bang you with my dick in your ass sorry I was sleep
sleep sodomizing um I will
have no memorized memories of these in the morning unless I wake up during the
act my girlfriend says
that my eyes are open but totally glazed over when I do it the most common one
is that I will go down
on her this is so fucking stupid you're asleep you're asleep and you're
dreaming right your eyes are open but
you're you're still like in REM sleep and you're somehow pulling the covers off
fine what are you a
fucking zombie I you know I'm not reading the rest of this this is the most
ridiculous fucking but you
know what maybe there's people interested I'll keep reading this is the dumbest
thing this sounds like a
scott bale movie from the earth listen was this the original draft of zapped um
somebody 43 years old
just fucking did a spit take on the dashboard with that reference um where the
hell am I
that's the stupidest thing the one that I am least proud of is that I
apparently licked my own jizz off
her boobs after all after coming capital letters all in my sleep
dude this is the most bizarre fucking thing I've ever read
my girlfriend's actually really cool about it hey you was sleeping it's fine
honey go like this
no on the other side yeah yeah you got a little more over there um at this at
first she'll be really
startled because she is sleeping too if I'm going down or in my sleep she
generally lets keep going
until she comes I'll usually wake up as she's coming we'll have sex and we'll
both go back to sleep
oh jesus christ I swear to god people there's two more paragraphs of this shit
do you want me to keep
going the scary part to me is the fear of not having control over my body and
my actions I'm scared
because I have clearly shown my ability to perform complete tasks while being
completely asleep and
having absolutely no memory of them later I'm afraid that one day I'll find
myself waking up
driving my car down the highway I haven't shown myself doing anything dangerous
yet
you haven't shown my you haven't found yourself but who knows right the only
reason I do know about the
times it has happened so far is because my girlfriend has been there to tell me
it happened
who knows what crazy shit I've done before I met her in my sleep that I'll
never know about my
girlfriend says I'm just being paranoid and I should let it be wait a minute
you fucking came on your
girlfriend's tits licked your own jizz off of them and she's like oh you're
just being paranoid
is this the white chick from every fucking horror movie
um I don't think that noise is anything to be concerned about
um what would you do would you go see a therapist or a doctor for this or would
you just let it go
I really don't don't yeah this is beyond he goes I really don't want to be go
to a doctor with a
bunch of pills you know what I would email Mike Birbiglia I actually think I
vaguely remember him
talking about walking over to a window or something you know and doing
something I can't remember
you know I don't remember I would email him oh why don't yeah why don't you
fuck what yeah go to
another comedian no fuck that go go talk to a professional all right Jesus
Christ if that's if that's
real is it real son is it really real son um
that's one of the big things in hip-hop everybody's got yo this is real son
this is real
this is life this shit is real it's like dude it's all real me laying on a bed
right now doing a
podcast in Jacksonville that's also real everything's real son