Name: Bill Burr - Sleep Sex
Uploaded: 2012-10-08T19:52:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Sleep Sex' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-10-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Sleep Sex' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-10-08. Transcript available.

All right. All right. Last week, last week I was laughing my ass off reading
this thing where this guy was trying to claim that that sleep sex shit, you
know, that basically he's asleep and he just starts having sex with his fucking
girlfriend and he's completely asleep.
He's totally asleep. I just evidently this is somebody says, Hey, Bill, this
does exist. This does happen to me at least a dozen times a year.
That's what somebody wrote in. Listen to this one. Bill, I feel compelled to
write to you this email after hearing the Monday morning podcast this morning.
I know the guy's sleep sex story sounds insane, but I can tell you that it's
100% a real thing. Hear me out. This is so fucking nuts.
Somebody else told me that there was somebody who fucking was asleep, woke up,
didn't wake up, got up like a fucking zombie, got in the car, drove across town,
murdered somebody and came back and got off because they were asleep.
Okay. You can't drive a car when you're fucking asleep. This is bullshit. I don't,
I don't give a fuck if there's a scientific name for that. Are your eyes open?
Then you're awake.
Well, you're driving down the street with, with your fucking eyes closed.
You know, are these, these people like supernatural beings? Are they witches?
What are they doing?
Why are they having sex? Why don't they wake up and do like fucking, uh, they
start, you know, scrubbing the floor.
Why do they always go do something fun? Like get laid or kill somebody that's
annoying them.
How come they never do anything miserable? Oh my God. I got fucking, you know,
I was, I've re shingled the roof for my neighbor.
Yeah, it's bullshit. This is fucking bullshit. Fuck all you guys. I'll read it.
I'll try to have an open mind.
Here's another guy who suffers from, uh, getting laid while he's sleeping.
In college, I was dating a girl who would do the same thing. I started spending
the night at her place, which was closer to campus than my dorm.
One night I came back really late after driving back to college from home.
I walked in and I heard loud moaning like someone was having sex, thinking she
was cheating on me.
I busted into the room to beat the shit out of whoever she was fucking, which
is hilarious.
Why would you beat the shit out of that person unless they knew you and knew
that you were in a relationship?
The guy's just doing what he's supposed to be doing. He's trying to get laid.
You should go in there and fucking call the girl a whore and then leave.
Miss, direct, and anger.
Anyways, he goes, I walked in only to find her by herself in bed, naked from
the waist down, fingering the hell out of herself.
So he goes, so I walked over thinking I could get in on the action.
And her eyes were closed and she wouldn't respond to me talking to her.
Dude, what kind of fucking Blair Witch, uh, the exorcist.
This is fucking creepy.
You walk in, her eyes are closed.
She's like in a zombie state, finger blasting herself.
And your first thought is, hey, maybe I can get in on the action.
That right there just shows the weakness of a man.
The fact that he can go from that level of rage.
I'm going to beat the fuck out of whoever's banging my girl to two seconds
later.
Like, hey, maybe I can help you out with that there, little lady.
Anyways, once she finished, she seemed to fall asleep immediately.
Thinking this was crazy, I woke her up and asked her what the fuck was going on.
She admitted that this happens sometimes.
Not very often, but sometimes.
And she never told me about it because it was embarrassing.
I was like, okay, whatever.
And never really thought about it again.
Really?
You saw something that bizarre and were like, all right.
Okay.
You know.
Then you never thought about it again?
That sounds like that would be like so disturbing to see somebody in a zombified
state fingering themselves.
I don't think I, I mean, just me picturing what that looks like.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget it.
Anyway, now let me get to, oh, fuck, I'm going to sneeze.
God damn it.
Hang on a second.
All right.
I'm back.
I'm back here.
Yeah.
Like, I don't think I could ever get that thought out of my head.
Well, I just kind of shook it off and continued on.
He said, now let's get to where I say sleep sex is real.
About three weeks later, I was spending the night at her place again.
And I woke up to her talking in her sleep.
Oh, my God.
Dude.
This is the creepiest.
Is she speaking in tongues?
666 on her fucking forearm?
This sounds like one of those, the, uh...
I don't know what the name of the fucking movie is.
Anyways, what the hell was I?
Three weeks later, I woke up.
She was talking in her sleep, but talking like she was having sex.
Saying shit like, yeah, fuck me.
And stuff.
But she was just talking, not doing anything else.
So she's sitting up in bed.
Having a fucking conversation.
Her eyes fucking, like, rolling around in her fucking head.
This is the creepiest shit ever.
Do you guys sleep in, like, a pyramid?
Is she, like, like, is she, like, fucking cursed?
This sounds like some shit that would only happen, like, in an Indiana Jones
movie.
So, he goes, so I decided to wake her up and let her know what she was doing.
I leaned over and kind of shook her softly, you know?
Saying, hey, wake up, wake up.
Instead of waking up, she rolled toward me.
Ah!
The zombie.
Ah, fuck me, fuck me.
That's just the fucking exorcist.
Ah, suck your dick.
Ah!
Um, oh, God.
I always forget that I'm in New York.
I can't imagine what my fucking fucking neighbors are thinking right now.
Ah, instead of waking up, she rolled toward me.
And put her hands down my pants and started jerking me off and kissing me.
See, this is where it goes out the window.
This is where it goes out.
Ah!
It's a jerk.
Dude, this is where it goes out the fucking window for me.
If you're asleep, how do you know where everything is?
Oh, I'm asleep and I'm walking out to the garage, not bumping into anything,
grabbing the keys.
Ah, I gotta go kill the neighbor.
Give me a fucking break.
This is the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life.
This isn't real.
So she rolls toward us, that's jerking me off, kissing me, and then still in
her sleep said,
are you going to fuck me or what?
And he goes, well, shit, how could I turn that down?
How could you turn it down?
Because her fucking eyes are rolling up in her head.
Dude, isn't this like a form of rape?
If she's asleep and you're bagging her, I mean, that's just, what if, what if
you didn't know her?
She walks up, ah, fuck me, fuck me, walking around in her fucking pajamas out
in the lawn, pulled up in a car.
This is the creepiest shit I've ever read about in my, my five years of doing
this podcast.
This is the creepiest shit ever.
This is Linda Blair.
Linda Blair is a porn star.
So she goes, are you going to fuck me or what?
And the guy goes, well, shit, how can I turn that down?
I started to take my pants off and her still sleeping started stripping in the
bed.
See, this all has like an I'm awake kind of thing or possessed, one or the
other.
He goes, we started going at it, but the whole time her eyes were still closed,
but it was like she was awake, grabbing onto me, kissing me, moaning.
It was totally crazy.
Then the craziest thing happened.
So this girl was one of those more reserved types.
We never really had dirty sex.
Dude, if you bang this girl in the ass while she's fucking in this zombified
state, I don't know what to tell you.
He goes, we never really had dirty sex or anything.
It was still really good, but nothing out of the ordinary, except tonight.
All of a sudden, while we're going at it, she flips over onto her knees and
says, put in my ass.
Oh, my God.
Dude, fuck you guys.
Did you guys all get together and just say, let's fuck with Bill and let's just
write the craziest fucking emails ever?
Is there some sort of website where you guys are doing this?
This is not real.
This isn't real.
He goes, what the fuck?
I about fucking fell over.
Never had we even talked about it or anything.
And all of a sudden, she was doing things she had never done, at least with me.
Without even seeming like it was new, she just acted like it happens all the
fucking time.
Dude, if you do this, why don't you wake her up and be like, sweetheart, just
to let you know that you're asleep right now telling me to put my dick in your
ass.
You know, are you comfortable with going back to sleep and letting me do that?
I'm just checking.
All right.
Nighty night.
Anyways, it was one of the craziest nights of sex I ever had.
Dude, you're a fucking creep.
You're a fucking creep, dude.
You're a fucking creep.
Okay.
If I was with somebody and they were a zombie, I would wake them up.
All right.
You had fucking anal sex with this girl when she was like awake, asleep, awake,
asleep, whatever the fuck the medical version of this is fucking insane.
The next morning, she woke up and didn't mention a thing about it at all, all
day.
So I finally decided to bring it up.
Oh, that's a good move.
Hey, by the way, last night when you were sleeping, but kind of were awake, but
were asleep.
I put it in your ass.
If you wondered why, you know, you felt a little weird this morning.
Yeah.
Because I, oh, Jesus.
He goes, I told her what happened.
And at first she was pretty pissed.
Yeah, I would think so.
But then after talking about it for a few minutes, she admitted that this had
happened a few times before where she's had sex in her sleep with someone,
including her sister's boyfriend.
Wow.
That's what he wrote.
And I would have said that anyways.
Dude, so the boyfriend banged her while she was sleeping?
Her sister's boyfriend?
This is like rape, guys.
This is fucking nuts.
She's not in a place where she can say no.
She's dreaming about something else if this shit even exists.
This is the creepiest fucking email ever.
Oh, and it keeps going.
She started crying and saying she didn't know what to do.
So I offered to go with her to a therapist and at least approach the topic with
the professional.
Well, aren't you just a fucking great guy after you banged her in the ass while
she was sleeping?
The therapist said she may have sex omnia.
That was the term she used.
Seriously, look it up.
Or a sleep disorder where a person actually has sex in their sleep.
Yeah, go fuck your sex omnia.
No, no.
Fuck you.
I'm not buying this.
The therapist said it's more common than people think.
No, it isn't.
No, it isn't.
None of my friends have this story.
They would have told me.
And that it's treatable only in some cases.
She got on some medication.
It seemed to help a little.
But there were a few times when shit happened in her sleep.
And no, those times I did not bang her in her sleep after that one time.
It just didn't feel right since it was something she had no control over.
Really?
It took you after that first time?
So instead I would wake her up.
That's what you should have done the first time.
Jesus Christ.
Anyways, just wanted to send you this email so you didn't think the sleep sex
guy was a total psycho.
Go fuck yourself.
I downloaded your latest special and loved it.
Catch you later.
Well, thank you for downloading this special.
As far as your chivalrous acts after you fucking went anal on that girl, I don't
know about that, man.
Wow.
Well, there you go, people.
That was worth the price of admission, huh?
I still don't believe it.
Sex omnia.
At the very least, it's not common.
I would have heard something about it.
Okay?
I'm down.
I'm acting like I'm a doctor right now.
I am down.
I am in the medical field.
I'm up to my knees in it.
I would have heard something.
I would have heard some sort of study.
But I don't buy it.
I don't buy it.
Okay?
Okay?