Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Fear Of STDS And Downgrading
Uploaded: 2012-10-15T22:06:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Fear Of STDS And Downgrading' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-10-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Fear Of STDS And Downgrading' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-10-15. Transcript available.

Fear of STDs and downgrading.
What's going on, Bill?
I love the podcast and all the advice you've given, no matter how inane.
So I thought I'd ask for some advice for myself.
For the last year and a half, I've been tormented by my ex-girlfriend.
She dumped me and did the whole I want you back thing on and off for a year and
a half.
Oh, my God, dude.
Which is longer than we were together, in parentheses, only a year.
I don't want to be with her because I now know how much of a cunt she is.
But the problem is that I've been lured into this shit for that period of time.
You've learned into what shit?
Back into a relationship?
Anyways, he says, even though during that time we were not together,
I didn't sleep with or do anything with any other girl
to make me look like the bigger person in the situation.
She had a boyfriend during this time because, again, she's a cunt.
Well, dude, you're a sap, all right?
If you're just going to say she's a cunt here,
like you're turning the keys over of the whole fucking relationship to her,
that the reason why this isn't working is because she's a cunt.
She is a cunt, and you're allowing her cunt mist to fucking come into your
atmosphere.
Sorry, I ran out of shit there.
Yeah.
She's like airborne gonorrhea.
Get away from her.
All right?
Get away from her.
Anyways, he goes,
I haven't had sex in over a year and a half,
which is slowly killing me on the inside.
Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Don't you have any friends?
Have you told your guy friends that?
Ah, come on, man.
You're better than this.
And he says,
And the prospects aren't looking too good.
Not many attractive ladies at my school,
and the ones who are attractive,
I'd probably rather date since I'm more of a relationship guy.
I've never had a one-night stand before
and would not know how to handle a situation
of just approaching a girl
and getting her to have sex with me within a couple of hours.
It's not like I don't want to have random sex,
but I am wary of STDs
and don't want to just bang some ugly,
not-too-attractive broad
since my ex was extremely attractive.
I do not want to downgrade in any sense.
Well, you don't.
You don't have to bang some pig.
Dude, you just need to go out.
This is what you need to do.
You need to go out.
First thing you need to do
is go down to the thrift shop,
get yourself a fucking smoking jacket
and some slippers, all right?
And just start fucking walking around in it
and just feeling that vibe.
You have to stop giving a fuck, all right?
Get yourself a bunch of condoms, you know?
That's a great thing to do.
Get yourself a bunch of condoms
like you're preparing for something wonderful to happen,
and then just get out there in the game.
Don't go out there going like,
I have to convince this girl to have sex with me tonight.
You know?
You're going to come off desperate.
Just go out there and just fucking have a good time.
I'm telling you right now.
It's like doing stand-up.
Half of doing stand-up is if you're up there
having the fucking time of your life,
the crowd's going to go along with you.
They like it.
They see you're having fun.
It's contagious.
They want to be around you.
You just go out,
have a good time at a fucking party,
crack some jokes,
say what's up,
be friendly,
don't freak them out,
and eventually you go,
what's your deal?
What's going on with you?
And they do a little touch on your arm right there.
You're at least rounded second.
You know?
That's it.
Baby steps.
Hit a double first
before you worry about fucking hitting the cycle.
That would be my advice to you,
even though I haven't read the rest,
so I don't even know what your fucking question is.
So let's plow ahead.
Although now I've also brought up
airborne, born gonorrhea,
real, real.
Get a gas mask and some condoms,
and I think you ought to be good.
That's going to be sex here in the next couple of years.
Do you like that?
Does that sound good?
Ah, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shake my dick.
Hey!
Hey!
Yeah, suck my dick!
My dick!
Yes!
Jesus Christ!
Fucking idiot!
I wasn't talking to you.
I wasn't.
Okay, you're going to fucking leave now?
You're going to fucking leave.
Great, great.
Then fuck you!
You fucking hell!
Take your airborne gallery with you, bitch!
That's going to be sex.
In a couple of, uh...
A couple of years?
Is that going to be a campaign issue
in the next few years?
I'm going to be tougher on health care.
I'm going to get schools back,
and we're going to tackle the problem
head-on of airborne gonorrhea.
Let's get to this fucking question here.
I'm also on a college budget
and definitely do not want to spend
extra money I have
on taking some girl out to dinner
or some shit.
Well, then go fuck yourself, dude.
Have fun jerking off.
You know?
Well, there's your opening line.
Yeah, listen, I want to fuck you tonight,
but, like, I don't want to waste any money.
So, uh...
What do you say?
I'll take it out myself, you know?
You know?
Don't worry.
Unless you want to, you know,
burn some calories.
Take it out, my dick.
So, I am wondering if I should stop
spending so much time
thinking about getting laid
and just focus on myself
until I graduate
and let whatever happens happen.
Yeah, that's great.
Should I just take my hand off the wheel
and see where the car goes?
Or should I just say fuck it
and try to fuck the next girl
who gives me attention?
No, don't do that.
All right?
You're a relationship guy.
You don't want to go down
that fucking road, okay?
But also, you know,
even though you are a relationship guy,
if the next one you meet
is the one
and you get married,
you're going to be...
It's going to bug you
that you didn't go out
and bang at least fucking 20, 30 girls.
So, I would...
You know...
Quality, sir.
Quality.
Okay?
Make a list.
Check it twice
so you don't fuck some whore
who's got the pussy lice.
Ba-da-boo-ba-be-dee-ba-boop.
All right, tattoos.
All right?
I know they're all the fucking rage,
but, you know,
that says something about you
if you get a tattoo.
I don't give a fuck.
All right?
You're definitely on the other side
of the skank fence.
All right?
The way a girl dresses.
You want a girl who dresses classy.
All right?
Not like a fucking whore.
She dresses like a whore.
Okay?
A sports car looks like a sports car
and has been driven like one.
Okay?
You look at a girl
who's dressed like a fucking whore.
She has been...
She's been ridden like one.
You understand?
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.
All the fucking time.
All right?
Look.
You know,
those classy girls
can be a lot of fun, too.
They really can.
They actually can have a conversation
with him,
your relationship guy.
You know?
You just walk in.
Hey, what's going on with you?
Ah, I'm getting out of a relationship.
You know?
I just dated, you know,
this absolute psycho.
She's completely fucked with my head.
I'm not even trying to be
in a relationship.
You know?
Just hit her with that shit
because I'm actually in a relationship.
Oh, he's sensitive.
Maybe we'll get a puppy someday
and you'll fucking be in there.
And then, you know,
I don't know what you do these days.
You put on some Skrillex
or Deadmau5s
and you fucking whip.
And then you fucking
come in her face.