Name: Bill Burr - Robots
Uploaded: 2012-10-30T13:25:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Robots' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-10-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Robots' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-10-30. Transcript available.

I want to do that TED.com.
Just look up robots and try to find the one where this lady is sitting there.
She's fucking talking about, you know, having robots around the house.
You know what I mean?
And it's the stupidest thing.
First of all, she's whoring it up for no particular reason in the beginning.
I don't know why.
She's wearing like these hooker boots.
She's sitting there talking about robots to a bunch of egghead nerds, and she's
still got to whore it up.
It's like, can't you just stand on the merit of the fucking speech that you
wrote?
Do you really got to get people's dicks half full just so they'll keep
listening to you?
How fucking insecure are you?
You're talking about robots in the house walking down the hallway.
Hey, what's up?
Fucking high five and a goddamn robot.
That right.
And it's not like it's a movie.
It's fucking real.
That's not compelling enough of a subject.
You can't hold the audience's interest.
You still have to put on your streetwalker boots.
It's weird.
She has on streetwalker boots, but she has on a modest skirt.
It comes down a little.
Or maybe because the boots go up so fucking high.
You know what I mean?
I mean, isn't that basically a rule?
If you're going to wear the fucking thigh high boots, you basically have to
have on a miniskirt.
All right.
So she starts her speech, right?
Not a whore.
Just dress like a whore.
Like she put on half of her Halloween costume and then, oh, wait a minute.
I have to give a speech.
So she goes down there and she's just like, she actually sounds.
What she's talking about is smart, but she doesn't sound that smart.
So I don't know if some nerd wrote the fucking speech for her and got like, I
don't know, fucking broke out in like hives right before the speech.
So they sent her out instead.
But she's just up there being like, you know, when I was a little girl, I
remember just seeing Star Wars and seeing C-3PO going, wouldn't that just be
awesome to have like a robot?
And not to like do Jaws, but just to like kind of talk to and like joke around
with.
And she starts talking about how she feels that robots should be in the fucking
house because she wants her own C-3PO.
Am I saying that right?
Am I pausing at the wrong time?
I'm going to C-3PO, C-3PO, C-3PO.
I don't know, whatever.
That's such a stupid fucking movie.
It was one of the most overrated fucking goddamn motherfucking movies of all
time.
I would rather watch Muppets take Manhattan.
I think that that holds up better because at least there's adult humor in there.
You know, you know who totally ripped off, used the force, Joel Osteen.
That fucking squinty-eyed guy.
Oh, you want a T-shirt?
Jesus, why don't you have a T-shirt?
Just think about it.
It's going to happen.
He totally stole that whole vibe.
I don't even know if that makes sense.
You know, furthermore, I don't care.
Plowing ahead to this lady sitting there.
The lady sitting there talking about these fucking robots.
You got to watch the video in about, I don't know, 10, 11 minutes in.
I can't remember where the fuck it is.
They cut to somebody shooting the shit with a robot.
And it looks like it's basically a head coming out of a giant VCR.
And he's like sitting there like, and it'd be like if you had a VCR with a head
coming
out of it, but like a robot head, like bolts for eyes and shit.
But it has like eyelashes for some stupid reason, like blinking.
Like it needs to blink, right?
And he's sitting at it like he's at his desk, like almost face to face with the
thing.
He's just like, hey, fucking R2-D2, look what my girlfriend bought me.
And he showed some sort of fucking, I don't know what the hell, some macho
chain or a watch.
I can't remember what the fuck it was.
And then the robot's just like, oh my God, that's really interesting.
Did she?
And it's moving its fucking head.
Can I ask either, this might be the dumbest question ever or just painfully
obvious.
Why the fuck would I need that?
Why would I need that?
Like, why?
Why wouldn't I just talk to my friend?
You know what I'm saying?
It's like the baseball kid from way back in the day.
Remember that shit?
I talked about it here on the podcast.
One of these Mondays.
They used to have the baseball kid.
It's called baseball kid, the baseball kid.
If baseball is what you want to do, baseball kid will pitch to you.
And it was a cardboard cutout of a friend, basically, that you don't have
throwing a fucking baseball to you.
You know, it was basically for the kid with no friends.
So now they've upgraded it to the person who has no fucking friends.
You know what's great?
I bet that guy didn't even have a girlfriend.
I bet he bought the watch for himself.
And now part of the sickness is he just fucking lies to this robot about this
life that he doesn't have.
And you know, once you start doing that, it's an inevitable, it's an inevitability,
it's a fucking cirrhosis of the liver that that guy's eventually going to stick
his fucking human dick in that robot mouth.
And the second that fucking happens, that's it.
It's the end of the fucking human race.
I'll tell you right now, there's fucking, there's scientists out there fucking
robots right now.
They're out there banging robots, you know, under the whole platform of fucking
research.
It's a real scary, like go, go watch this shit on TED.com.
They got another one showing how we're fighting wars now.
And like these guys sit in Arizona, they go to basically go to work, they go to
war, and then they come home after fucking blowing up some bad guys.
Or hopefully bad guys, right?
And then they fucking go and they sit down and hang out with their kids.
And they're sitting there talking about how, you know, now the bad guys are
getting the robots and blah, blah.
But it's just, it's fucking inevitable.
All those drones, they're basically eventually, all the shit they're using over
there, I think eventually they're going to use over here.
You know?
In the future, there'll be no more skipping jury duty.
The second you skip it, you're going to wake up in the morning, peek out the
window, and there's going to be a fucking drone just hovering there.
You have seven minutes to get to court or you will be vaporized.
It's going to be one of those fucking things.
Is this the least interesting thing you ever heard in your life?
I mean, didn't I just basically do every science fiction movie?
Has there ever been a science fiction movie where they predict something great?
That's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to be original here for once in my fucking life.
Let's go the other way.
It's going to be a friendly drone.
It's going to be outside the window.
Go back to sleep.
It's okay.
We sent your clone to go down to the jury duty.
Now we don't need you.
So you will be vaporized.
You will be vaporized.
That's the way to do it.
I think that that's going to be the funeral in 2020.
I think by 2020, we're going to know definitely where you go when you die.
And if it's anywhere other than here, people are just going to choose to tap
out.
You know, it's going to be like getting a vasectomy, just getting fucking vaporized.
Still an intense fucking procedure that that needs a serious talking before you
do it.
But, you know, you know, I'm just kidding.
I need a change.
You know, like when people on the East Coast move to like Minnesota or fucking
San Diego.
Just needed a change.
That's what's going to happen.
People are just going to get vaporized here in the future.
It's fucking true.
You know, I know you guys are rolling your eyes right now, but you don't have
access to the information that I do.
Okay, so please reserve your judgment or whatever, whatever, temper your
judgment.
Don't be hasty with your judgment, whatever that fucking expression is.