Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Wife's Weird Sex Store Purchase
Uploaded: 2012-11-13T01:29:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Wife's Weird Sex Store Purchase' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-11-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Wife's Weird Sex Store Purchase' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-11-13. Transcript available.

anyways wife's weird sex store purchase oh jeez here we go wife's weird um dear
bill me and my
wife have been married for two months and she has been less involved and
willing to have sex
all right right there and she got a weird sex store purchase i don't need to
read the rest of
this sir have it annulled um anyways he goes i thought the honeymoon phase was
just ending
and started to adapt it's been two weeks since we last had sex and friday while
taking out the
garbage i found a bag to the local sex shop okay that's it i don't need to read
anymore
just get it annulled go your separate way i didn't know what she bought and
since we haven't been
having sex it was a puzzler okay that's it dude this whole fucking thing it's
over
i then started snooping okay that's it while she was at work and found a dildo
in the closet
i know women have them but this one wasn't your usual dildo okay that's it wrap
nothing to see here
dude this has more red flags than the than the fucking opening ceremony of
china at the olympics
okay it wasn't your usual dildo jumping back in we're losing a lot of tiles i
think we're gonna burn
up here and fucking re-entry um it was the shape of an animal's penis all righty
see you later there lady
it was a fun two months i'm not even you can keep everything i'm just gonna
take my t-shirts and my shoes
and a pair of pants
it was close to a foot long
and weirdly shaped wait a minute they don't make animal dildos
what does an animal penis even look like i don't even i've seen an elephant
fuck it was the scariest
thing i've ever seen in my life seen dogs bang
anyways it was close to a foot long and weirdly shaped
i have kept quiet but i really want to confront her but don't know how to do it
without hurting her
feelings or opening a crazy can of worms please help bill all right dude you
know
you you need you need if you're not just gonna walk you really need
professional help on this one
all right
i mean how i don't know what what do you do do you take the thing out of the
trash
and then just leave it on the coffee table and then she walks in and just you're
just pacing
hey honey how was your day and you just what's this i just found this in the
trash huh
which orifice were you shoving this in i mean there's no way to how do you even
bring that up
let's do it i'm gonna tell you this right now your wife has a huge dildo no
your wife has a
your wife has a huge
skeleton something there's something gigantic going on oh god i can't gotta
stop saying gigantic and huge
she's got a big secret bigger than that giraffe dildo you found in the garbage
um
you're two months in dude and you're already not getting sex is already a
fucking issue all right
now it sounds like you really love this woman the fact that you're actually
still willing to work this
out but as an outsider with no feelings no no heart no broken heart on the line
here um
you know i i think you just gotta walk
i can't no you know what i
what would i say i would just say i'm literally sitting here right now guys and
i'm i'm rubbing
my eyes you know when you do that with one hand you know that move i'm doing
that right now trying to
think of how to fucking how do i bring this up i would take the fucking hippo
cock
and i would
i would put it in one of those uh big brown bags if it can fit from macy's
whatever you got to do
maybe like one of those you know when they plastic wrap like a christmas tree i
would find one of those
bags and i'd stick it in that and i would just say honey i need to talk to you
about something
all right and i would sit it down dude fuck this and fuck her fucking feelings
all right see i had
to get past the shock here all right just sit her down and say listen i'm not
judging you
i'm i i you know i just need some honesty here because this is a gigantic huge
fucking gorilla dick that i found it's trash
okay
you haven't been having sex with me
what is going on what is just tell me what is going on i'm not going to tell
anybody about
this other than this podcast i'm not going to judge you just level with me
do you is this why you wanted to go to the zoo the other day no just you got to
get it out there
dude you got to get it out there and you have to hear her fucking story and you
have to be supportive
both for her feelings and for you for the fact that you deserve to know the
fucking truth about this before you spend the rest of your life with somebody
who's gonna bang you
once every two months while secretly wanting to fuck a tiger
or whatever a fucking grizzly bear dude there's no they don't make animal dildos
and i swear to god you fucking assholes if there is a website don't send me the
link because i'm not
looking at it i don't need that on my hard drive i'm not looking at it dude you
have to sit her down
okay and and you you have to bring you got to bring in that zebra dick you just
have you have to do it
you got to do it you got to do it you owe it to yourself all right and as much
as it's going to
be embarrassing for her and everything it's going to help her out because i bet
that there's a part
of her that she she doesn't like herself that she's sneaking around and
starting to live this lie and
all or or whatever the fuck is going on i don't know i would also bring it
maybe bring it to the
sex store and ask somebody what this is before like you make a complete ass of
yourself because god knows
what if it's something else what if it's like a fucking uh you know you know
like those wood things
that's on an old staircase um i don't fucking know uh all right on a banister