Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Do I Go For It
Uploaded: 2012-11-19T18:00:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Do I Go For It' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-11-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Do I Go For It' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-11-19. Transcript available.

Bill, do I go for it?
Hey, Billy Fatface, love the podcast, but boo, I need your opinion on something.
So like a typical douchebag, I always joke with my wife about having butt sex.
He goes, just because it makes her uncomfortable.
Dude, butt sex is one of the funniest fucking words ever.
Because it's a butt sex, it's really fucking, you know, it's almost the sound
effect of you pulling out butt sex, you know, or going in.
That's disgusting.
I'm so much more disgusting on this thing than I am in my regular podcast, I
mean my regular act.
But yeah, butt sex, it's really like blunt force kind of trauma there.
Can you hear every time I shift on the couch, so fucking well mic'd here.
He goes, anyways, the other day she offered to try it.
If I quit saying fuck and using the Lord's name in vain for a month.
Honestly, I never thought about trying it, except in high school with the chick
using the anal virgin loophole.
Should I go for it?
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
No, no, you shouldn't.
Okay?
And not because I'm some purist and I'm saying you shouldn't bang your wife in
the ass.
Okay?
That's your legal property.
You can do with it what you want.
I'm just fucking with you.
No, you shouldn't.
You know why you shouldn't?
Because you have to do some sort of fucking parlor trick.
Hey, if you jump through these fucking three hoops, you know, then you can have
a cookie.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
See, and it's too late to say that.
You know, if you don't put your shoes on the rug, maybe you can...
Yeah, you know what?
Maybe if you pay for the NFL package, I'll let you ride me.
How about that?
Why do they always act like what they have is so much better than what the fuck
you have?
You know why?
Because we're weaker.
We're like the fat guy who can't resist a cookie and they're sitting over there
eating fucking salad laughing at us.
You know what you need to do, sir?
You need to get in control of your dick.
You gotta get your fucking dick in check.
Okay, this is one thing for you and for everybody else, every other guy
listening to this, don't ever do a fucking party trick for a sexual favor.
Go fuck yourself.
All right?
I'm not a goddamn chimp.
I swear to God, dude, just rub one out.
Rub one out and then you're not going to give a shit.
You know what she should have said if she said, the second she said, she'll
offer to try it.
See, right there, all that means is you're not going to say fuck for a month
and you're not going to say goddamn Jesus Christ.
It's a goddamn fucking thing.
Jesus Christ, it doesn't work.
You're not going to be able to say that for a month just so you can sit there
and for fucking an eighth of a second before she goes,
And then that's it.
And then you're going to go, Jesus Christ, right?
And then she's going to sit there and be like, oh, so you're just going to go
back to saying that?
You know, I thought it was really nice that you didn't say that to like a hell
of a month, right?
And now you're fucking in that.
You know what it is?
It's like you gave up that real estate, okay?
Just like the Native Americans, just like the Mexicans once you lost Texas.
You know, what you have to do, you know what Mexicans have to do to get that
fucking thing back?
Do you realize the level of bloodshed that they have to fucking, to ever get
that back?
Okay, this is the same thing in the fucking, this is the Louisiana Purchase
right here.
You're never getting it back.
If you fucking sit there and act like a goddamn poindexter for a month and don't
talk like how you normally talk,
just so you can just basically knock on the door of her butthole to have her go,
stop, stop, right?
I love how you have to do the entire thing that she wants, just so she can
attempt to maybe do what you want.
See what, you see what happened?
All right?
Now you get a pass on this one, because this is your first time at the rodeo.
See, you missed it this time.
But the next time she does some shit like that, I'll use this one as an example.
I'll let you do that if, you know, if you're just trying to not say fuck and
use the Lord's name in vain for a month.
You know what you should have said?
You should have said, sweetheart, I love you, but fuck that.
Okay?
And get out of the way of the goddamn TV.
And in a weird way, she'd respect you more.
She'd respect you more.
You know what, dude?
You ought to be able to finesse your way into that fucking move, into that act
at this point.
All right?
You ought to be able to talk your way into it.
You ought to be able to make her want to do it at this point.
All right?
Stop looking for the fucking pass interference call so you can get the first
down.
Why don't you fucking earn it?
I'm like half the fucking quarterbacks in the league these days.
All right?
Okay.
Sorry, that was tough love, but you needed it.
Dude, she did everything but make you put a fucking red nose on her.