Name: Bill Burr - Moody Guy and Astronauts
Uploaded: 2012-12-25T07:23:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Moody Guy and Astronauts' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-12-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Moody Guy and Astronauts' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-12-25. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for
Monday, December 24th, 2012.
And as you can see, the way I stress, December 24th, that I am, I am, I am
letting you guys know that I realize that it's Christmas Eve.
Okay? I realize that, therefore, this has to be a very special podcast.
Which it won't be. But I'm just letting you know that I know that you feel that
it should be special.
Shouldn't I have some sort of Christmas special going on here? Singing you guys
some holiday tunes?
Huh? Have olly jolly Christmas. Oh, it's the best time of the year.
Everybody is pretty cool, except for their douchey sister married.
There's always one, right? There's always going to be that one fucking guy.
Everybody's having a good time, and then this one cunt has to come in moping
around, you know?
Who is it?
The chick with the substance abuse problem? Or the moody guy?
I'd rather have the substance abuse chick around than the moody guy.
The moody guy's the worst. He comes in, right?
Like the fucking antithesis of mistletoe.
You know?
He should have mistletoe on his shoes, pointed the other direction, like some
sort of devil reference.
You know?
Instead of hanging from the heavens, it's coming up from the fucking floor.
Right?
Kiss my fucking feet, everybody.
Because you're going to have to deal with me and my mood.
Because I'm not just going to have the decency to be miserable over in the
corner.
I'm going to fucking sit down right in front of everybody and just sit there
sulking.
You know?
And there'll be a couple of fucking hardcore people who will see it, and they'll
just roll their eyes.
But there's always the one douche.
The one chick who's a member of the 4-H club, or whatever the hell it is that
she does.
Bakes sales.
Helps out with the church car wash.
Whatever the fuck she does.
But, you know, she has to...
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
You look sad.
Oh, my God.
Are you sad?
She sees fucking sad every year.
Watch the language around the mistletoe.
Karen, don't fucking do this.
Don't.
Every fucking year.
I don't care if they're kids.
They're going to hear it anyway.
They're going to hear it anyway.
All right?
Every year this douche comes in, looking like fucking droopy dog, and I'm sick
of it.
It's not my fault.
His life's...
I don't care if he can hear me.
Of course he's leaving.
Of course he's leaving.
You're leaving?
You're leaving all...
Where are you going to go, huh?
Kill yourself in a fucking rest area?
Right?
It's one of those deals.
Every year there's that douche.
Then there's always the douche who has to try and top everybody's stories.
You know, you could be sitting there with the fucking astronaut.
You'd somehow try to top him or correct him.
Well, actually, I thought, according to, you know what?
I don't know what video game.
Some fucking astronaut video game the douche played.
He'd actually try to question a real astronaut.
Who even knows an astronaut at this point?
Aren't they all dead?
Did the people who were on the space shuttle, were they considered astronauts?
Because I didn't consider them astronauts.
You're not an astronaut if you're in a plane.
Okay?
And I know it's a big one.
And I know it's got rockets on it initially.
All right?
But all I know is that the astronauts that I grew up on with were fucking, they
were at the top of a missile.
That's what they did.
You didn't steer that fucking thing.
I don't even know how they got back.
They had a little capsule.
I think you just leaned to one side.
You kept rolling back towards the earth, hoping you'd reenter.
Right?
Then the parachutes came out and they couldn't fucking find you because all we
had was binoculars.
You know?
Where is he?
I don't see him.
Anything on the starboard?
Nothing, sir.
Ain't nothing off the starboard.
Right?
And you're fucking sitting there in the water.
Clinging to a stingray.
If you're lucky, you landed on an island and then you met a genie who called
you master, but for some reason you never fucked her.
But other than that, that's what an astronaut was.
He didn't fly in a fucking plane, you know, eating SpaghettiOs or whatever the
fuck they did, and then land and get towed to the gate by a fucking Toyota Tundra.
All right?
That's not an astronaut to me.
That's a very impressive pilot.
I'm very impressed.
You went a lot higher than the jumbo jet I flew to Syracuse in.
Hats off to you, sir.