Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Advice: Sex Toys
Uploaded: 2013-01-08T16:23:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Advice: Sex Toys' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-01-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Advice: Sex Toys' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-01-08. Transcript available.

Dear Bill, I've been with my boyfriend for two years now.
We're in college together, and he's currently taking a semester abroad.
Oh, Jesus.
Where in, Brazil?
Before he left, we had a running joke that I was going to need a vibrator when
he left.
As a surprise parting gift, he got me one.
I have a couple friends whose boyfriends bought them sex toys,
so while I was a little surprised he actually got me a vibrator,
I also happen to know that it's relatively normal for a boyfriend to do that.
Yeah, that's basically like this era's chastity belt, you know?
You're trying to lock down the pussy.
That's disgusting.
Yeah, but that's what he's doing, though.
Anyway, yeah, but it's dumb because those things, you use them too much,
they numb up your area there, and then the guy can't even remotely try and, you
know,
do something for you, and then you've got to be sitting there banging them
as they're using the thing as, you know, it's like you and an alien are fucking
this girl.
Is this an alien alien?
That's just all dick.
It has no body.
What are you basing?
All right, whatever.
Let's move on.
What am I basing it on?
I'm basing my fucking life.
I did live a little bit of a life before I met you.
I realize that.
All right, anyway, fast forward to about a week ago.
We were on Skype.
He asked you to take this thing out.
No, we don't have sex chats.
Thank God.
And he casually asked me how his gift for me was working out.
I told him it was working out pretty well.
He then mentioned that he had bought something for himself.
A fleshlight.
Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by The Fleshlight every week.
Those are weird.
Those are very weird.
Those are very fucking weird.
But okay.
They look like that thing Boba Fett fell into when he died in one of those
space movies.
Okay, well.
He's trying to be faithful to her.
That's nice.
Okay, he said.
She goes, I knew what this was because I am an avid listener of Joe Rogan's
podcast.
There you go.
Joe Rogan's come up three times on this podcast who raves about it constantly.
My boyfriend had never mentioned to me that he was interested in anything like
that.
And I always thought the idea of it was totally creepy.
I acted like it was totally cool.
But in all honesty, I really don't want him to be fucking a perfect fake.
Wait, I got lost in that.
I actually was thinking, is Joe going to get mad that I'm saying that this is
weird?
Okay, I acted like it was totally cool.
But in all honesty, I really don't want him to be fucking a perfect fake vagina
whenever he wants to.
I'm finding myself getting crazy jealous and angry whenever I think about it.
I know, I know.
I'm jealous of an inanimate object.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Which seems insane.
Let me finish.
I'm really struggling with this because part of me wants to be completely okay
with it since it's sort of hypocritical to get angry when he got me a vibrator.
But now I'm starting to think that maybe he only bought me a dildo so I wouldn't
be able to complain when he got himself a proxy pussy.
Proxy pussy.
So what do you think?
Do I need to suck it up and get over this or is my jealousy legitimate?
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
That's hilarious.
Don't let him go fuck his fake pussy.
As long as he's not faking a real pussy, I mean fucking a real pussy, then, you
know, it's all good.
Plus, it's not just like the pussy that he's missing.
He's also missing like, you know, your touch and kissing and the whole other
part of it too.
And that fake pussy can't blow him either.
No, he isn't.
He's getting right to the dessert.
Don't be jealous of him.
Have you tried these Brussels sprouts?
Don't need them.
Don't be jealous of him.
Bring over the trace leche.
When he comes back, it'll be even better because you both have been like doing
it with inanimate objects.
And so it's like you'll be rediscovering each other all over again.
It'll be even better.
So don't even worry about it.
I don't think it's a good thing.
Why?
Because once you start down a path sexually, you know, in order to get off that
path, you don't just jump over onto another path.
You got to walk all the way back up the path you went down, get to the fork
where you fucked up, and then head down the other one.
What I'm saying is he might get used to just doing that and the sensation of
that is what gets him off.
And then when her pussy doesn't feel like the fleshlight, he'll feel better.
He'll bang her.
And then when he needs to finish, she'll be like, all right, enough of me.
With that fucking thing.
No, she'll feel even better.
If anything, he'll be like, oh, my God, I forgot what a real woman feels like.
And he'll be done in like two minutes or something.
That's what you hope.
I don't think she should be jealous of it, though.
They're both doing the right thing when you're in a relationship and you're
that far apart from each other because he could be out banging all sorts of
hairy European girls.
No offense to hairy European girls, but I'm just saying, you know.
Listen, I watched this thing one time or listened to it on the radio, one of
those call-in sex shows.
And this guy had a – the way he jerked off was he dry humped the rug.
It was causing like chafing on his dick.
But it was the only way he could get off because he wasn't in a relationship
for a while and he kept doing that.
And I don't know.
So I'm just saying like I would go easy on those.
It's like anything, anything in moderation.
Yeah, how often is he using this?
And how often is she using that?
If you use a vibrator too much, you numb yourself up down there.
And then when you're guys down there, you can't feel anything.
It's so disgusting.
It's so disgusting.