Name: Bill Burr - Wheelchair Scuba Diving, Movie- Mama, Homeless People
Uploaded: 2013-01-15T14:24:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Wheelchair Scuba Diving, Movie- Mama, Homeless People' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Wheelchair Scuba Diving, Movie- Mama, Homeless People' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-01-15. Transcript available.

I went to my favorite website, that ted.com, because it always blows my mind
what these fucking eggheads are working on.
And every once in a while, it's something inspirational.
And today I went on there, and I'm looking at this fucking lady named Sue
Austin.
She got sick, so now she's in a wheelchair, or she calls it a power chair.
So she was actually psyched to get in the wheelchair, because I guess she was
bedridden, and then she got in the wheelchair, and she was psyched.
She goes, I could fucking cruise down the street.
You know the wheelchairs they got now, like those old people have.
They're not the same ones.
I don't think we've experienced our first death yet, but if they make those
fucking wheelchairs any faster, there's going to be a lawsuit.
So anyway, she's flying down the street in her wheelchair, evidently having the
fucking time of her life, feeling the wind in her face,
because anything's better than laying in that fucking bed under all those
blankets.
So she's psyched, goes out in the world, is having a great time.
Of course, she's saying all this in an English accent.
Feeling the wind on me face.
Blimey.
All these cunts scattering about.
So anyways, long story short, she's taken aback how everybody, like, almost
like ignores her.
You know what I mean?
Which I try not to do when I meet people in wheelchairs.
You know what I mean?
Like, you try to fucking, you're looking them in the eye, you're having a
conversation, but you can't help but feel like,
you look, obviously you're looking down on them.
Then it feels like this weird, like, condescending thing.
Like, hey, you down there, I'm talking to you up here, right?
So what else are you going to do?
You're going to squat down and now they feel like a little kid and you're going
to tie their shoe or something?
It's really weird.
It should really be some sort of standing to wheelchair manners drawn up.
You know what I mean?
It's going to be weird if you sit down too.
Or are you then mocking their condition because at the end of the conversation
you can get up and walk away?
You know what I mean?
And all you're trying to do is not hurt their fucking feelings.
Well, evidently, you know, they're well aware that you didn't put them in the
chair.
So they're like, just treat me fucking normal.
Evidently.
You know?
Could I say evidently one more fucking time this week?
God knows there's some douche out there counting it.
Oh, I'm not trying to be a dick, but this week's podcast, you said evidently
fucking 14.
Really?
What did you do after you got done counting the evident least?
What was the next exciting part of your fucking day, you goddamn cunt?
So anyways, back to the lady in the wheelchair.
So, I don't know.
I kind of fast forward through some of the video, right?
Because I got to do this podcast.
And she, I don't know, she got into diving or some shit.
Oh, I know.
Somehow she could, she, I don't know, she just starts talking about fucking scuba
diving.
And now when you put that shit on, the apparati that you go scuba diving with,
all of a sudden, like the wheelchair, it alters your way you move around in the
world.
But scuba diving was, was, was looked, is looked upon as exciting.
So, I thought, what if I combined the two?
I know this is a brutal accent.
So, she basically fucking put on a mask, a regulator, and a tank in the back,
put some fins on the fucking wheelchair.
And this lady had the balls, the fucking ovaries, if you will, to scuba dive.
So, they cut to her going through the ocean.
She's got long hair.
It's hanging out the back, floating.
She's fucking in a wheelchair, sitting down, going through the ocean.
It was beautiful and creepy all at the same fucking time.
It's kind of frightening, I got to admit.
It was a little bit frightening.
Kind of reminded me a little bit of that movie Mama that's coming out.
You know, with that fucking tree woman that raised those two kids.
Two kids get lost in the woods.
And then they find this fucking creepy woman, tree, dirty person.
I don't know what the fuck it is.
But I'm definitely seeing that movie because that movie better not disappoint
me because I saw the ads for that.
Did you guys see the ads for that, Mama?
You know?
These two kids get lost in the fucking woods and this thing raises them.
And then I guess the humans, you know, find them.
And they bring the two kids back.
They're out there for like five fucking years.
And evidently, uh, the fucking dirty mother from the woods is not happy that
she lost her kids.
So she comes back to get them.
And, um, once again, you people who are not into guns, you know, and you're
against the NRA.
I'll tell you right now, I would love to hear what you had to say when some
fucking half a tree, half a woman, dirty fucking individual comes into your
house from the woods.
After you find your kids because you somehow lost them out there for the last
five fucking years, comes back into your house.
And you're sitting there with a bread knife and an English muffin.
And this fucking thing comes through the goddamn window.
Huh?
Wouldn't you want to have a semiotic assault rifle?
Not trying to cause a debate.
I'm just, I'm just putting it out there.
You know?
Just trying to take a different angle on this.
So anyways, this lady is in a fucking wheelchair scuba diving.
All right?
I'm terrified of the ocean.
Absolutely fucking, I can't even say I'm terrified.
I'm informed of the ocean.
I know what's in it.
I know some of what's in it.
That's another thing too.
We don't even know everything that's in it.
And you're getting, and you can't see it.
And you're going to go there.
And you can't fucking breathe.
So you got to bring, you got to bring air with you.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I'm going to fucking go someplace where I can't breathe.
Don't worry.
I brought some air.
I'm going to go where I can't fucking breathe.
Everything's faster than me.
And if it wants to, it might start eating me alive.
But don't worry.
I brought some air.
Yeah, these fucking people, they're out of their minds.
And they don't deserve to be rescued.
I don't get, I don't understand, you know, the Coast Guard.
Other than international freight.
Because we got to get food and shirts to people.
Okay?
So if they, so if those, those people get in trouble, I definitely think you
should go out and try and help them out.
Okay?
But if you're just fucking out there, you know, beach blanket, bingo, and you're
out there surfing, you know.
Or you put on some goggles and you bring some air and you decide to go under
the, you know what, go fuck yourself.
We don't have the money.
California doesn't have it.
We don't have the money to go save you.
This fucking state is broke.
Goddamn assholes.
They got fucking DUI checks every three feet.
And why do you think that is?
Because they're trying to crack down on it?
No, because they're making a fortune.
Often catching some people who had a couple of Budweiser's.
You know?
I don't even know what I'm talking about this week.
So anyways, this lady in the fucking wheelchair, she scuba dives now.
And she can't move her fucking legs.
And she has the fucking ovaries to go down there.
And I, I, I don't have the balls to do it.
I'm absolutely blown away by her.
But then on another side, she's kind of cheating.
Because like if a shark comes at her, she could just sort of lean to one side.
And all he's going to get is a mouth full of metal.
And, you know, break all his teeth.
That would be great.
Huh?
You like that leg?
Go ahead.
Take a shot at it.
You just fucking lean.
Shark comes in, fucking knocks out all his teeth.
Fucking freaking out.
Freak out a shark.
Get him to put his little flipper over his mouth like a little kid who broke
his front teeth.
I don't know.
If you see her, I know that they're trying to make it beautiful.
But there's something about her long hair.
The fact that she's sitting down.
It's just weird.
And it's creepy.
Do you know I keep seeing that dirty mother, half a tree person with the leaves
in her hair.
I actually, like the downstairs in my house, it's just creepy.
I don't know what it is.
There's something that's creepy about it, and I love it because I come down
here and my mind starts fucking with me.
And I don't believe in ghosts.
I don't believe in monsters of, you know, other than just shit that we know
that exists, like sociopaths, axe murderers, grizzly bears.
And even a grizzly bear is not a monster.
It's just hungry.
And I'm there.
Okay, I would like that it wouldn't maul me and try and eat me.
But it's not sitting there like, whoa, I'm going to fucking ruin this guy's day.
It's just hungry.
It's trying to get a sandwich.
All right?
And if I'm in its vicinity, I'm like one of those sweaty pieces of turkey that
you see in one of those subway fucking franchises.
You know, I want to buy one of those things.
I want to buy a fast food franchise.
That's how I'm going to get out of this fucking business.
I'm going to buy something that just fucking serves people poison.
I'm going to buy it and I'm going to sit on the roof dressed like the mascot.
And I'm going to have a little bullhorn and just real creepy as people walk in.
I'm just going to be going, go ahead and eat it.
Come on, you fat bastard.
Get in there and just get that grease hole in your fucking arteries.
Big fucking clown shoes.
You know, maybe I'll just yell at him.
Go ahead, you dumb fuck.
Bring your whole family in.
Dad, how you thinking, aren't you?
Why is your mascot so mean?
I hate when people defend eating like shit because they're broke.
You know what I mean?
I mean, how much does an apple really cost?
You'd be surprised.
That shit will fill you up.
You get a banana for 25 fucking cents.
You can get 25, even as you can be a fucking white dude, blue blood white dude
in a suit.
If you stand there long enough going, hey, can I have a quarter?
Can somebody give you a quarter?
Someone will give you a fucking quarter.
You got a banana.
There you go.
You can ride that out till lunch, can't you?
Starts raining.
You open your mouth.
Right?
You get some water.
Then what?
Then lunchtime comes around.
Lunch is tough.
Try to beg for a lunch.
That's a rough one.
How long do you think you're homeless before you look homeless?
That's the crucial time.
It's like that show, The First 48.
You got 48 hours before you look like you've been out there for 48 days.
So you got basically two days to somehow get the fuck off the streets or else
you're in
it for the long, you're in it for a while.
You know, I don't know.
I don't know what I'm talking about this week, everybody.
I'm just trying to get this fucking thing done because I got shit to do
tomorrow.