Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Professor Wants To Bang
Uploaded: 2013-01-15T14:33:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Professor Wants To Bang' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Professor Wants To Bang' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-01-15. Transcript available.

A professor wants to bang.
Hey Bill, I'm a 19-year-old male college freshman and my professor wants to
have sex.
Do it!
I'm sorry. That wasn't me. That was somebody else yelling.
Okay, I'm going to be a professional.
I kept getting these signs ever since the first few weeks of class began.
You're 19. You're an adult, right?
I'm not really... I can't get in trouble here, right?
I noticed any time I am running late to class by a few minutes, she would
always wait for me to start class.
Dude, get to the good part. What does she look like?
Every time I walked in, she would say things like,
Oh, I was worried you were sick and I was worried you were going to miss my
class.
Jesus, she's putting it out there right in front of the whole class.
Anytime anyone else is late to class, she ignores them and starts on time.
Well, wait a minute, dude. Are you the teacher's pet?
You know, when she says,
So, did everybody do the reading last night?
Do we have any thoughts on the assigned material?
Everyone just sits there staring at her, chewing their gum slowly, and you
actually put your hand up.
Oh, Michael, what do you have to say?
I found it. I thought it was brave.
I thought it was exquisite.
You know?
All right, let me just read the rest of this here.
Anytime anyone else is late to class, she ignores them and starts on time.
Okay.
She is always over the top nice to me when we see each other.
I brushed this off and I didn't let it get big in my head.
All right, so he's not thinking that this is going to happen?
Okay.
A telltale sign came to me one day when I was at the smoking section on the
campus after I left her class.
I cheated word for word from the girl that sits next to me in class on a test I
had just finished.
The girl that sits next to me came down to the smoking section with a bag of
chocolate in her hand and gave it to me.
She told me our professor gave it to her to give to me.
Yeah, boy.
Dude, trying to bang your teacher is like trying to get away with a murder.
The more people who are involved, the bigger chance you have of getting caught.
So what the fuck is she giving this girl chocolate for, bringing her in the
fall?
Fuck, she wants a threesome.
Right?
Is this where it's going?
Please tell me it's going in this direction.
It's like a red shoe diary.
I asked the girl if our professor gave the chocolate to the class when I left
and she said no.
I tried to keep calm.
I thought you were going to say, as my dick was filling up.
I tried to keep calm and asked the girl how she did on the test.
I told her I copied her word for word and she said she thinks she did okay.
A few minutes later, a professor came down to the smoking section where her car
was parked.
The girl asked the professor what she made and the professor tells her she made
a 74.
When I asked her, she flipped her hair, smirked at me, and told me I made a 94.
Wow.
Okay, I'm going to tell you right now.
Right fucking now.
If this happens, dude, you wear two condoms.
This woman is reckless.
Okay?
Go ahead and bang your fucking teacher.
Do it towards the end of the semester.
So bad.
Anyways, she's 36 years old and divorced.
On this certain website where evidently people can basically rate their
teachers, the students rated her as hot.
I want to ask her out to lunch sometime.
Dude, she's 36.
Just fuck her.
She doesn't want to go to lunch.
She's 36.
She wants lunch.
She'll buy her own lunch.
But that's, you know, you're 19.
I keep forgetting that.
Anyways, the only reason why I haven't asked her out yet is because she told me
she has a 13-year-old daughter.
Oh, that's the sound of her vagina.
She already had a kid.
Oh, my question to you is, would it be wrong?
There are other girls I have met, but they are the typical dumb whores you find
in college.
Okay.
All of them?
I wouldn't think every girl is a dumb whore.
Is every guy a dumb jock?
Is every jock dumb?
See what happens when we talk in absolutes.
I am not saying I want to marry this broad.
Just a one-night stand with the professor would be nice.
I am not the type of guy that likes to go around and fuck as many girls as I
meet.
That is why I keep thinking that she has a daughter and I should probably stay
away.
What do you think?
I don't know, dude.
The fact that you don't want to fucking do it, I don't know.
Well, listen.
Do you know how to bang a girl and then fucking see her the next day and have
it all be cool?
That's a skill, you know.
And not have her feel like you used her or whatever.
You know?
Do you know how to do that?
I can tell you one thing you don't want to do is what I would do was the next
day I'd be like, hey, all fucking weird.
And then they get mad.
And the next thing you know, all their friends are fucking looking at you like
you're a douche.
And they start drawing, writing shit on your locker.
It's a fucking nightmare.
If you've mastered the art on how to fuck somebody and not be a...
You know something, dude?
If you're going to fuck this girl, you have to do it at the end of the semester
once it's over.
This girl, she's reckless.
She's a nightmare.
If she's fucking putting this out, it's unbelievably unprofessional.
She should be way more discreet, all right?
And you cheated on this girl word for word.
She gave you 20 points higher.
You know what, dude?
Stay away from this girl.
This girl is...
She's going to get fucking pregnant, and you don't want it to be you, all right?
Who doesn't want to fuck a teacher?
Everybody does.
But you know something?
You don't want to have a fucking...
I wouldn't do it.
I wouldn't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Stay away.
Why don't you go meet some nice girls and stop talking to dumb whores?
And, you know, I don't know.
Rub one out before you go to class and really think about it,
and then let me know what happens, okay?
All right.