Name: Bill Burr - Lady Gaga
Uploaded: 2013-01-22T02:59:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Lady Gaga' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-01-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Lady Gaga' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-01-22. Transcript available.

You know what it is?
I just, I'm worn out.
I don't give a, I just, I watched that fucking game yesterday and we lost.
And Nia was going to go see Lady Gaga last night.
And at the last second, her friend bailed.
Actually, the day before her friend bailed.
So she goes, do you want to go?
Would you go with me?
And I was just like, yeah, I'll fucking go to that.
I'll go to it.
You know, I'm a comedian.
I need to know what the fuck's going on in pop culture.
I will go to this stuff.
I will go to this thing.
And she goes, do you realize how funny it's going to be if somebody who listens
to your podcast is at that thing and sees you at that?
And I said, yeah, it's going to be fucking hilarious.
So I went down there, get ready to see, you know.
No, let's tell this in chronological order.
I'm watching the Patriots game over a buddy of mine's house and I'm just
pounding beers.
I don't know why.
I bought a 12-pack.
They were set up and I just felt like I had to knock them all down.
And I think I had at least seven of them, if not eight.
Somebody else was digging into them, too.
I can't fucking remember.
You know, one of those things where you're not really totally hammered, but you
forget your sunglasses.
You know, like that kind of level drunk.
So now I got to race home.
And, you know, I shut myself off in the third quarter, just like I'm at the
game.
I just start drinking waters and eating fucking chicken wings and shit.
And sober up, jump in the car, drive home, put on a shirt.
Oh, wait, no, we took a cab.
That's right.
We ended up taking a cab over to Staples Center.
And we missed the opening act, which I'm like, bonus, because I know I'm not
going to like them.
And we come fucking walking into the Staples Center and right as the show
starts.
And Lady Gaga comes out of a fake castle on a horse and starts walking around
the arena.
You know, they do that big thing now where they got like the big fucking half a
semicircle loop with a bunch of fucking raven kids in the middle of it.
And that's what started it off.
And then she sang one of her songs.
And then she went back into the castle.
And then all of a sudden it looked like it was a turkey with its legs spread.
And she came out of the vagina of that, unzipped it and came out of that, you
know.
And then sang another fucking song.
You know, a bunch of shredded gay guys, all five, six, seven, eight, all at the
same fucking time.
And then she just starts spewing this fucking self-help horse shit.
You know, doing that stupid dramatic pause to milk the crowd.
And she's just like, you know, it's great to be here tonight, Los Angeles.
And everybody's like, wah!
And she's just like, I got a message out there for anyone who's ever felt
different.
If you feel different, no, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And all this fucking bullshit about being different.
It was literally like, it was like gay spinal tap.
And it was honestly, it was a terrible fucking show.
Terrible show.
The fucking dancing was terrible.
She can sing, but she stinks at dancing.
She's on a fucking horse.
She comes out of a vagina.
How many times has that been done?
Why'd you come out of the vagina, Lady Gaga?
Let me guess, this album was a rebirth for you?
You fucking hack ripping off Madonna right and left.
First of all, she's got that one song that I don't know what Madonna song is.
I never know.
Whenever I hear it, I start singing the other Madonna song.
She's ripping off Madonna right down.
She had a black Jesus.
And the crowd's eating it up.
And at first, I'm like, you got to be fucking, she's doing the black Jesus
thing.
Like a prayer, am I the only guy?
And I looked around, I was like, oh my God, I'm old.
I'm old.
I'm fucking old.
And I'm sitting there.
And all I want to do is just start trashing.
I want to start heckling, which I did a couple of times.
And Nia just gave me the look.
And I was like, I can't ruin this for her.
She was going to go here with somebody else who was going to be waving glow
sticks.
And I agreed to come here.
I can't be a cunt.
So I'm not going to lie to you.
I sat down after the first fucking song.
And it was really difficult to listen to.
It was really fucking annoying.
Way more annoying than I thought it was going to be.
I thought it was going to be all right.
You know, still going to be on some level.
I'll appreciate it.
This is pop shit.
I can try to come here and enjoy this shit.
And it was, it just really wasn't a good show.
I can't fucking.
Oh, with the stupid dramatic pauses.
Why do singers always have to look up in the air halfway through a sentence and
just get another applause break?
I saw a band the other night in this little fucking club.
And the guy was doing that.
He was like, you know, this is the first time.
Then he looks up the ceiling.
And it's just dead silence.
And then the crowd always gives into the fucking silence.
I don't know if they feel uncomfortable with it.
And they just feel they have to fill it up by going.
And then the guy finishes the sentence that we've been in Los Angeles in three
years.
It's like, why couldn't you just complete that sentence?
Why couldn't you just go, Hey, you know, this is the first time we've been in
Los Angeles for like three years.
And we're happy to be back because you guys are great fans.
You could do that.
And like fucking, what was that?
How long did it take me to say that?
3.5 seconds.
It takes him like 30 seconds.
Los Angeles is a city that's on the West Coast of this country.
And you know, that was fucking horrible.
So anyways, Lady Gaga is on stage.
I can't believe I have this fucking story.
I feel like I dreamed it.
She just goes, you know, she finishes another one of her fucking horseshit
songs.
I think at that point she was like dry humping a yak to protest.
Some sort of Middle Eastern thing.
I don't know what the fuck was going on.
And by the way, her drummer was the shit.
And I really would have enjoyed watching him, but he appeared to be in the
dungeon section inside the fucking castle.
Because God forbid there's somebody else out on the fucking stage taking away
from your fucking horse shit.
Oh my God.
And then she had, she had two plants in the crowd.
Two clear fucking plants.
She calls some fucking young gay kid on the crowd and tells him it's okay.
And the kid starts fucking, it's like, how did you get his number?
When did you get his number?
How did they have him mic'd up?
How can I hear this guy clear his fucking day talking into a fucking cell phone
that's going through the roof of the Staples Center to outer space, back down
to the fucking, through the roof again to Lady Gaga, who's got drapes around
her fucking head.
Right?
Crowd's eating it up.
Like, oh my God, she's a saint.
Look at her reaching out, right?
And then the worst part was she's sitting there dancing around.
And she's only a little bit better a dancer than I am.
And I'm fucking horrific.
So she's up there.
And then she goes, where's that guy with the green hair in the crowd?
Get up on the stage.
You know, because she's so down to earth.
And the dude, the green haired dude, gets up on the fucking stage, shirtless,
shredded.
Right?
So right there, you know, it's a plant.
Although there were a lot of gay guys there.
Gay guys are always fucking shredded.
So I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that.
So the shirtless, fucking shredded dude with the green hair gets on, runs up
the runway, doing his best to act like he's shocked.
And then they go into this fucking dance routine.
And this dude knows every fucking move, right down to when to leave with the
other dancers and walk into the castle.
It's like, why is he going into the castle?
I thought he was just some random guy you pulled out of the fucking crowd.
Should he go back to his goddamn seat?
How much of a grumpy cunt am I that I'm really ripping this shit apart?
It was fucking, I got to tell you, I was really, I was really disappointed.
I felt like I put myself in the headspace where I could enjoy this.
I was already seven beers in.
I grabbed a little bit of McDonald's on the way in, had a quart upon it with
cheese and some French fries.
I'm like, all right, let's see, let's see this fucking, let's see this.
I know she can sing.
So it should be halfway decent.
And it just was, oh, and in the songs and then just sitting there with fucking,
every time, drapes around her face.
It's like, when are you just going to accept your nose?
We get it.
You don't like your nose, but you're afraid to get a nose job because you think
it's going to change the sound of your voice.
Well, when are you, you're sitting there telling all these young gay kids it's
okay that they're different.
And here it is.
You can't even accept your face walking around like that chick from the ring.
Your hair all in your goddamn face.
It's so fucking awful.
And finishing every song.
And then she just sit there all wrapped in drapes and then being only breathing
into the mic, which was super fucking annoying.
Then she was like, I hope you guys are having a good time tonight.
Because if you're not, I don't give a fuck.
I said, I don't give a fuck.
And the whole crowd goes nuts.
Then she proceeds to give a fucking speech about how much she doesn't give a
fuck.
Goes over to another shredded gay guy fucking backup dancer.
You know, hey, fucking soliloquy.
Do you, do you give a fuck?
He's like, I don't give a fuck either, either, either, either.
I think that's when I heckled.
And I got my first dirty look from there.
Because it's literally like, you know, if you don't give a fuck, get on with
the not giving a fuck.
Why would you stop and give a speech?
You know, that's something I've learned in life is if you don't give a fuck.
You just, you don't say you don't give a fuck.
If you don't give a fuck, other people, they recognize it and they say it for
you.
Hey, dude, you know, you know, you know, that kid, you know, that kid, Mike.
Yeah, yeah, dude, that kid, he doesn't give a fuck.
Seriously, that kid.
And then you tell the fucking story.
But Mike isn't walking around going, you know, telling everybody that he doesn't
give a fuck.
She clearly gives a fuck.
She gives a fuck how she looks.
I don't think she likes the way she looks.
And I think that that's why she's fucking walking around with an Afghan or
fucking, I don't know what you call it.
Upholstery all over her fucking face.
I don't know.
Whatever.
I just enjoyed the, I don't know, the fucking.
I don't know what I was really, I mean, as dumb as this sounds, I went there
with some sort of expectations.
And I just, you know, I thought the drummer was the best part of the fucking
show.
And he was, he was in a castle and I couldn't fucking see him.
Granted, his, his drumsticks were lit up so I could see some of the shit that
he was doing.
But, uh, I don't know.
And then there was some sort of, there was some sort of story going on.
I felt like they were like workshopping a musical and they didn't really have
the full story.
They just kept being this face that would glow up and it was Lady Gaga's and
she would just be speaking monotone like she was some sort of zombie.
Which I guess was supposed to give it some sort of depth.
Can you guys believe that somebody 44 going to be 45 is wasting this much time
talking about how I was disappointed at a Lady Gaga concert?
As if that fucking show in any shape or form was designed to appeal to some
fucking redheaded cunt like me, you know, whatever.
I had to get that out because there's a chance Nia might be coming down to the
podcast.
And I did a real good job not taking the piss out of that show when I was there
and not ruining it for.
But, uh, anyways, fucking, it was really bad.
You know what I mean?
Even Madonna concerts back in the fucking day.
Oh, that was another thing that she fucking said.
She was going like, you know, when I started out, out, out, out.
Dramatic pause.
People didn't think that I could bring the underground gay scene to the
mainstream.
You know, it's like, why are you ignoring Madonna?
Didn't Madonna do that like 20 years ago?
Didn't the village people kind of start it?
You know what's funny about, like, it was so, it was, that shit was so fucking
underground in the 70s, right into the 80s,
that morons like me didn't know that, like, half the people you were listening
to were gay.
You had no, even though, like, you'd be listening to a band called Queen,
and the guy's prancing around in his, in fucking, I don't know what the,
diapers, adult diapers?
I don't know what he was doing, walking around barefoot.
You still, like, the music was, you still didn't know.
I watched the other day, I was watching this Judas Priest concert.
Uh, I forget where the fuck they were.
It was, like, in the early 80s.
And Rob Halford is coming out, like, in, like, literally fucking, like, S and,
this S and M outfit.
And you had no fucking idea.
Um, I don't know, there's like 20 guys like that.
It was still underground, but like, that Madonna shit, when she, all that Vogan
crap,
that was like 20, almost 25 years at this point, so I don't know.
I think that's just what it is.
I think I'm just an old fucking guy, and I imagine when I was watching,
whatever the fuck I was watching,
they were all going, dude, Zeppelin did this, like, 15 years ago,
as I'm sitting there freaking out, watching a band called Cinderella.
I think that was the point of it.
No offense to Lady Gaga fans.
I think I just realized how fucking old I was.
All right.
And I just watched my team lose.

Bill Burr - Lady Gaga

You know what it is?
I just, I'm worn out.
I don't give a, I just, I watched that fucking game yesterday and we lost.
And Nia was going to go see Lady Gaga last night.
And at the last second, her friend bailed.
Actually, the day before her friend bailed.
So she goes, do you want to go?
Would you go with me?
And I was just like, yeah, I'll fucking go to that.
I'll go to it.
You know, I'm a comedian.
I need to know what the fuck's going on in pop culture.
I will go to this stuff.
I will go to this thing.
And she goes, do you realize how funny it's going to be if somebody who listens
to your podcast is at that thing and sees you at that?
And I said, yeah, it's going to be fucking hilarious.
So I went down there, get ready to see, you know.
No, let's tell this in chronological order.
I'm watching the Patriots game over a buddy of mine's house and I'm just
pounding beers.
I don't know why.
I bought a 12-pack.
They were set up and I just felt like I had to knock them all down.
And I think I had at least seven of them, if not eight.
Somebody else was digging into them, too.
I can't fucking remember.
You know, one of those things where you're not really totally hammered, but you
forget your sunglasses.
You know, like that kind of level drunk.
So now I got to race home.
And, you know, I shut myself off in the third quarter, just like I'm at the
game.
I just start drinking waters and eating fucking chicken wings and shit.
And sober up, jump in the car, drive home, put on a shirt.
Oh, wait, no, we took a cab.
That's right.
We ended up taking a cab over to Staples Center.
And we missed the opening act, which I'm like, bonus, because I know I'm not
going to like them.
And we come fucking walking into the Staples Center and right as the show
starts.
And Lady Gaga comes out of a fake castle on a horse and starts walking around
the arena.
You know, they do that big thing now where they got like the big fucking half a
semicircle loop with a bunch of fucking raven kids in the middle of it.
And that's what started it off.
And then she sang one of her songs.
And then she went back into the castle.
And then all of a sudden it looked like it was a turkey with its legs spread.
And she came out of the vagina of that, unzipped it and came out of that, you
know.
And then sang another fucking song.
You know, a bunch of shredded gay guys, all five, six, seven, eight, all at the
same fucking time.
And then she just starts spewing this fucking self-help horse shit.
You know, doing that stupid dramatic pause to milk the crowd.
And she's just like, you know, it's great to be here tonight, Los Angeles.
And everybody's like, wah!
And she's just like, I got a message out there for anyone who's ever felt
different.
If you feel different, no, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And all this fucking bullshit about being different.
It was literally like, it was like gay spinal tap.
And it was honestly, it was a terrible fucking show.
Terrible show.
The fucking dancing was terrible.
She can sing, but she stinks at dancing.
She's on a fucking horse.
She comes out of a vagina.
How many times has that been done?
Why'd you come out of the vagina, Lady Gaga?
Let me guess, this album was a rebirth for you?
You fucking hack ripping off Madonna right and left.
First of all, she's got that one song that I don't know what Madonna song is.
I never know.
Whenever I hear it, I start singing the other Madonna song.
She's ripping off Madonna right down.
She had a black Jesus.
And the crowd's eating it up.
And at first, I'm like, you got to be fucking, she's doing the black Jesus
thing.
Like a prayer, am I the only guy?
And I looked around, I was like, oh my God, I'm old.
I'm old.
I'm fucking old.
And I'm sitting there.
And all I want to do is just start trashing.
I want to start heckling, which I did a couple of times.
And Nia just gave me the look.
And I was like, I can't ruin this for her.
She was going to go here with somebody else who was going to be waving glow
sticks.
And I agreed to come here.
I can't be a cunt.
So I'm not going to lie to you.
I sat down after the first fucking song.
And it was really difficult to listen to.
It was really fucking annoying.
Way more annoying than I thought it was going to be.
I thought it was going to be all right.
You know, still going to be on some level.
I'll appreciate it.
This is pop shit.
I can try to come here and enjoy this shit.
And it was, it just really wasn't a good show.
I can't fucking.
Oh, with the stupid dramatic pauses.
Why do singers always have to look up in the air halfway through a sentence and
just get another applause break?
I saw a band the other night in this little fucking club.
And the guy was doing that.
He was like, you know, this is the first time.
Then he looks up the ceiling.
And it's just dead silence.
And then the crowd always gives into the fucking silence.
I don't know if they feel uncomfortable with it.
And they just feel they have to fill it up by going.
And then the guy finishes the sentence that we've been in Los Angeles in three
years.
It's like, why couldn't you just complete that sentence?
Why couldn't you just go, Hey, you know, this is the first time we've been in
Los Angeles for like three years.
And we're happy to be back because you guys are great fans.
You could do that.
And like fucking, what was that?
How long did it take me to say that?
3.5 seconds.
It takes him like 30 seconds.
Los Angeles is a city that's on the West Coast of this country.
And you know, that was fucking horrible.
So anyways, Lady Gaga is on stage.
I can't believe I have this fucking story.
I feel like I dreamed it.
She just goes, you know, she finishes another one of her fucking horseshit
songs.
I think at that point she was like dry humping a yak to protest.
Some sort of Middle Eastern thing.
I don't know what the fuck was going on.
And by the way, her drummer was the shit.
And I really would have enjoyed watching him, but he appeared to be in the
dungeon section inside the fucking castle.
Because God forbid there's somebody else out on the fucking stage taking away
from your fucking horse shit.
Oh my God.
And then she had, she had two plants in the crowd.
Two clear fucking plants.
She calls some fucking young gay kid on the crowd and tells him it's okay.
And the kid starts fucking, it's like, how did you get his number?
When did you get his number?
How did they have him mic'd up?
How can I hear this guy clear his fucking day talking into a fucking cell phone
that's going through the roof of the Staples Center to outer space, back down
to the fucking, through the roof again to Lady Gaga, who's got drapes around
her fucking head.
Right?
Crowd's eating it up.
Like, oh my God, she's a saint.
Look at her reaching out, right?
And then the worst part was she's sitting there dancing around.
And she's only a little bit better a dancer than I am.
And I'm fucking horrific.
So she's up there.
And then she goes, where's that guy with the green hair in the crowd?
Get up on the stage.
You know, because she's so down to earth.
And the dude, the green haired dude, gets up on the fucking stage, shirtless,
shredded.
Right?
So right there, you know, it's a plant.
Although there were a lot of gay guys there.
Gay guys are always fucking shredded.
So I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that.
So the shirtless, fucking shredded dude with the green hair gets on, runs up
the runway, doing his best to act like he's shocked.
And then they go into this fucking dance routine.
And this dude knows every fucking move, right down to when to leave with the
other dancers and walk into the castle.
It's like, why is he going into the castle?
I thought he was just some random guy you pulled out of the fucking crowd.
Should he go back to his goddamn seat?
How much of a grumpy cunt am I that I'm really ripping this shit apart?
It was fucking, I got to tell you, I was really, I was really disappointed.
I felt like I put myself in the headspace where I could enjoy this.
I was already seven beers in.
I grabbed a little bit of McDonald's on the way in, had a quart upon it with
cheese and some French fries.
I'm like, all right, let's see, let's see this fucking, let's see this.
I know she can sing.
So it should be halfway decent.
And it just was, oh, and in the songs and then just sitting there with fucking,
every time, drapes around her face.
It's like, when are you just going to accept your nose?
We get it.
You don't like your nose, but you're afraid to get a nose job because you think
it's going to change the sound of your voice.
Well, when are you, you're sitting there telling all these young gay kids it's
okay that they're different.
And here it is.
You can't even accept your face walking around like that chick from the ring.
Your hair all in your goddamn face.
It's so fucking awful.
And finishing every song.
And then she just sit there all wrapped in drapes and then being only breathing
into the mic, which was super fucking annoying.
Then she was like, I hope you guys are having a good time tonight.
Because if you're not, I don't give a fuck.
I said, I don't give a fuck.
And the whole crowd goes nuts.
Then she proceeds to give a fucking speech about how much she doesn't give a
fuck.
Goes over to another shredded gay guy fucking backup dancer.
You know, hey, fucking soliloquy.
Do you, do you give a fuck?
He's like, I don't give a fuck either, either, either, either.
I think that's when I heckled.
And I got my first dirty look from there.
Because it's literally like, you know, if you don't give a fuck, get on with
the not giving a fuck.
Why would you stop and give a speech?
You know, that's something I've learned in life is if you don't give a fuck.
You just, you don't say you don't give a fuck.
If you don't give a fuck, other people, they recognize it and they say it for
you.
Hey, dude, you know, you know, you know, that kid, you know, that kid, Mike.
Yeah, yeah, dude, that kid, he doesn't give a fuck.
Seriously, that kid.
And then you tell the fucking story.
But Mike isn't walking around going, you know, telling everybody that he doesn't
give a fuck.
She clearly gives a fuck.
She gives a fuck how she looks.
I don't think she likes the way she looks.
And I think that that's why she's fucking walking around with an Afghan or
fucking, I don't know what you call it.
Upholstery all over her fucking face.
I don't know.
Whatever.
I just enjoyed the, I don't know, the fucking.
I don't know what I was really, I mean, as dumb as this sounds, I went there
with some sort of expectations.
And I just, you know, I thought the drummer was the best part of the fucking
show.
And he was, he was in a castle and I couldn't fucking see him.
Granted, his, his drumsticks were lit up so I could see some of the shit that
he was doing.
But, uh, I don't know.
And then there was some sort of, there was some sort of story going on.
I felt like they were like workshopping a musical and they didn't really have
the full story.
They just kept being this face that would glow up and it was Lady Gaga's and
she would just be speaking monotone like she was some sort of zombie.
Which I guess was supposed to give it some sort of depth.
Can you guys believe that somebody 44 going to be 45 is wasting this much time
talking about how I was disappointed at a Lady Gaga concert?
As if that fucking show in any shape or form was designed to appeal to some
fucking redheaded cunt like me, you know, whatever.
I had to get that out because there's a chance Nia might be coming down to the
podcast.
And I did a real good job not taking the piss out of that show when I was there
and not ruining it for.
But, uh, anyways, fucking, it was really bad.
You know what I mean?
Even Madonna concerts back in the fucking day.
Oh, that was another thing that she fucking said.
She was going like, you know, when I started out, out, out, out.
Dramatic pause.
People didn't think that I could bring the underground gay scene to the
mainstream.
You know, it's like, why are you 