Name: Bill Burr - Advice: From Japan
Uploaded: 2013-02-05T13:16:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: From Japan' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-02-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: From Japan' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-02-05. Transcript available.

All right, advice from Japan.
Bill, I'm 28, single, and I live in Japan.
I'm originally from America, America, and I moved here after college.
I'm a translator and speak decent Japanese.
Jesus Christ, dude, how the fuck did you learn that?
You know, I listen to French, Spanish, like that type of shit, Italian.
That seems like, you know, you get a handle on it.
But that stuff, how the fuck you jump on that shit is beyond me.
How they can go from theirs and be able to speak ours.
I swear to God, it's incredible.
Anyways, when people ask why I say that I love Japanese people and I love
living here.
What?
Let me get back.
I'm a translator and I speak decent Japanese, but the culture barrier is still
pretty huge for me.
When people ask why, okay, there we go.
I say that I love Japanese people and I love living here, but I wouldn't ever
want to become Japanese.
Generally speaking, they're overworked and unhappy.
For better or worse, my attitude keeps me a little isolated.
Yeah, I've seen that stuff over there.
Like, as far as what I've seen, you know, the propaganda from what I've seen.
I saw in 60 minutes that if you fuck up at your job, they send you to some camp
and then you have to sing the company song.
And these guys were singing the song trying to get back in the company.
They're like crying and everything.
And there's like four Japanese dudes just looking at them.
Just ice cold.
Simon Cowles to the fucking 9,000th power.
Like your family disowns you.
It's crazy.
It's hardcore over there, man.
Straightening the damn rivers.
There is one very Japanese woman.
What does that mean?
I've met who I recently connected with in spite of all that.
She's an amateur artist and actress and we've worked together to make subtitles
for local independent movies.
That's how we met, actually.
She's interesting as hell and downright sexy, too.
Problem.
She's married and has a son.
Dude, what the fuck?
Are you trying to get a fucking samurai sword to your jugular?
You're going to fuck a married broad with a kid in a different country?
Dude, I don't know anything about the Japanese culture, but if you can lose
face for not having enough paper clips at your goddamn desk and get sent to a
borderline death camp and you got to sing a fucking song to get back into the
company, how much face do you lose if Round Eye fucks your fucking woman?
Dude, you're going to get thrown into one of their straightened rivers.
Come on, man.
Come on, man.
Don't do this.
He said from early on, it was obvious that there was a mutual attraction going
on, especially whenever we were at a movie party with a couple of drinks in us.
Like any guy would, I wanted to sleep with her, but I didn't dwell on it.
Good for you.
It never seemed like it was in the cards, but we were working together.
We kept each other at arm's length.
Months went by without anything changing.
Oh, my God, dude.
This is like a suspense thriller.
Dude, you can't do this.
There's a kid involved.
That kid loves his mom and his dad.
You're going to go in there and your dick like a samurai sword is going to
slice that kid's life in half.
You can't do it.
I'm going to read the rest of this with one eye closed.
Then came the local film festival.
Oh, jeez.
When it finished, we were downtown and pleasantly drunk.
And the last trains that run every night were long gone.
Well, isn't that convenient?
When she mentioned taking an expensive cab ride home, I suggested that she
crash at my nearby apartment until the morning train started.
No, you didn't.
You didn't suggest that.
Your dick did.
Your dick's like, relax, stand down.
I've got this.
Anyways, she had been there a dozen times already because that's where we
always worked.
Oh, my God, dude.
This is like some red shoe diary going on here.
I'll cut to the chase.
In my apartment that night, she turned to me and asked point blank if I wanted
to fuck.
Wow, dude, at that point, I think all bets are off.
Okay, because I thought you were kind of seducing this girl.
Now she's just like.
Oh, Jesus.
Well, maybe you should have.
Wow, I didn't see that coming.
Anyways, he goes and I told her no.
Okay.
He goes, I wasn't exactly surprised that she asked.
Part of me was hoping she would.
When she did, though, all I could do was go through what I felt right at that
moment.
I admit, I really didn't know what to do and was playing it safe.
We went to sleep and she left in the morning.
Here's the thing.
She and her husband, who I've never met, thank God, don't get along.
Oh, she and her husband don't get along and have no sex whatsoever.
Oh, so she's in a loveless marriage.
Okay.
This is what she told me anyway.
She has long wanted a divorce but won't do it because of her son.
So while saying no might have seemed like the noble non-homewrecker thing to do,
part of me keeps asking, what difference does it make?
You know what?
You ever see Scarface when the cop goes, it's your tree, Frank.
You're sitting in it.
All right.
That's her fucking situation, dude.
She married a guy that she didn't love and she had a kid.
All right.
You know, that's, you're stepping into the world of her bad decision.
Now, think back when you were a kid and you thought about meeting the woman in
your dreams.
Is that the way it went down?
I'm not trying to shit on this thing here, but like, you know, I think she
needs to be free and clear.
If you're actually thinking of getting into a fucking relationship with this
person.
If you're just thinking about banging her, I don't know, dude.
I don't know.
The fucking kid.
Look, if there was no kid involved, have at it.
But there's just something, there's some kid sitting at home in some racing car
bed, you know, loving his mom and his dad.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Do you really want that on your resume?
Anyway, he goes, then there's the fact that our friendship suffered anyways,
because ever since that night, she scaled back all the contact with me.
They say that affairs never end well, but this isn't ending well either.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I just feel like maybe I should have fucked her.
Now, a few trusted guy friends say they would have.
Of course they would have.
I would have.
I would have.
I know I would have.
If I was drunk and she said that, but the kid, I don't know if I could have
blocked out the kid.
I am a piece of shit, but I don't think that I'm that big a piece of shit.
I'm just being honest.
All right.
I know there's a lot of ladies that are listening to this thing, but you know
how we are.
Okay.
You lead us around by our fucking dick.
Some fucking hottie you're working with.
He's probably already rubbed one out 50 times to her.
Finally just says, hey, you won't fuck or what?
I mean, you're going to do it, you know, game on, um, you know, you know, and
for any woman who gets mad at me, that's some of the most honest shit about men
you're ever going to fucking hear.
So go fuck yourself and your email that you send to me.
Okay.
God bless you.
Uh, my few trusted guy friends say they would have, uh, whatever she may sound
like.
I think a lot of this woman, and I've never had someone like her just throw
herself at me before.
I'm starting to feel like I missed the boat.
Then again, she's fucking married and has a kid.
What would have you had done?
I told you what I would have done.
If she was single and if she was married and didn't have a kid and she was in
this loveless fucking thing and every day I'm next to her working together, she's
in my apartment, comes over smelling good, and I have a couple of fucking
drinks in me.
And she says, you won't fuck or what?
For some reason has a southern accent.
I'm all over it.
I would have felt like shit immediately.
I would have felt guilty.
But I'm fucking weak.
All right?
I'm a guy.
I'm a fucking moron.
And it would have been the wrong thing to do.
So you did the fucking right thing.
You did the fucking right thing.
Dude, I'll tell you right now.
You know what?
Go rub one out to her.
What do you feel like afterwards?
Do you still feel?
Aren't you kind of relieved?
Like, thank God I didn't do it.
You know?
I don't know.
I just feel bad for her.
You know?
She married the wrong guy.
She's got a kid with him.
And then she's fucking just, hey, do you want to bang me or what?
And you're like, no.
And she's got to be walking back going, what the fuck is wrong with my thing?
You know?
Why isn't my lightsaber working here?
I got this power and it's not fucking, it's not, it's not happening for me.
Um, I don't know.
I can tell you how to get that train back on the tracks, but I don't want to do
that to
you.
So, uh, don't, don't do it, dude.
There's a kid involved.
Okay.
Even I have standards.
You got to have some sort of standards.
All right.
Well, you just shout your dick back into your pants.
Like, hey, I said, stand the fuck down.
You know, you got to have some sort of something.
All right.
Look, she's eventually going to leave that guy.
She is.
But I'm telling you, dude, that's, that's not your, your fucking, get the fuck
out of there.
All right.
Get out of there.