Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Unexpected Pregnancy
Uploaded: 2013-02-11T23:36:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Unexpected Pregnancy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-02-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Unexpected Pregnancy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-02-11. Transcript available.

unexpected pregnancy oh jesus these are rough this week unexpected pregnancy
bill absolutely
love the podcast and the stand-up you're like a skinny louis ck or conversely
louis ck is like
a fat bill but i really wish i didn't read that uh um anyway not sure now i get
dragged into it
um and i'm not exactly skinny anymore i've been having i've been enjoying the
high life lately
miller um anyway to business i'm a 24 year old guy from sydney australia who's
run up against a big
problem last november i lost a well-paying job due to an anxiety disorder i've
developed over the years
i've sought out treatment been through therapy had all sorts of diets and
breathing exercises
and although recently it's been much more manageable it's unfortunate
unfortunately it wasn't enough to
hold on to my high pressure job you know what dude yeah it was probably the job
granted i have no
medical background whatsoever but i really don't you know when you have to like
eat a kumquat and start
going just so you can fucking go to work hello oh nia how are you sorry just
saw the door open
um the lovely nia everybody are you busy okay um i was letting you know that i
was here oh okay
all righty i'll see you
okay um
yeah dude when you have to fucking do shit like that just to go to work it's
probably the job
and considering you developed it over the years let me guess was it as you got
this fucking high
pressure job i don't know so anyways i'm currently i'm looking for a more low-key
job
anyways three days after i'm let go i get a call from a friend i had drunken unprotected
sex with
the only reason why i went back to our house was that our house was within
walking distance from the
pub we share a bed and nature takes its course oh my god it was a core it was
of course a risk and like
any idiot male i just assumed nothing would happen turns out i'm going to be a
dad come august
after a mere one sexual indiscretion i've known this woman for over three years
she's successful
smart witty and we get on really well oh we get on really well uh she is sorry
there was a big space
in a new paragraph i'm not that dumb people please please still believe in me
um she's been up up
until now childless and you can understand her reasonings for wanting to keep
the spawn
she expects me to play an active role in the parenting game and to be honest
that's something
i am wholeheartedly prepared to do that's so fucked up they like make the
decision i mean because it is
their body they have to go through the procedure but it's just really you're
really just uh you're
just a fucking jizz hose that's really all we are uh we were both irresponsible
we should both have
to pick up the pieces and work shit out here's the problem she wants me to move
in with her
fuck that fuck that before i read any more of this fuck that
anyways in fact she's demanded i moved in with her uh double fuck that she's
making demands
go fuck yourself all right i wish you did that earlier i wouldn't have been in
this situation
um i can't help thinking that this arrangement would descend very quickly into
mutual resentment
and unhappiness and would eventually be a detrimental environment for the kid
abso-fucking-lutely
i've lived with friends in the past and if a dirty kitchen can cause irritation
i don't know how
shitting drooling a shitting drooling screaming baby will fly under the radar i
want to move somewhere
close by so i can share their parenting duties but i don't see how moving in is
a better solution
she is also asking for financial support to the tune of half
which the shit i've spelt out
above surely makes this impossible
um she's tit deep in an already blossomed career
and i'm doing my best to stay away from the dole
or as americans say welfare
uh so i'm asking advice on two things how do i really
how do i relay my moving
in doubts to a hormonal pregnant woman without hurting her feelings
or making her feel like she has to go go at it alone
and how can i spell it out
to her that i won't be able to be there for the baby financially in the way she
wants
jesus christ dude
what else and how do you fucking jump to the moon
uh by the way when she told me about the pregnancy
and oh jesus arrived fully formed in my mouth
go fuck yourself cunt
um
you just have to have an adult conversation with her
just be like look who's kidding who
we're not in love with one another
you're not my soulmate i'm not your soulmate
but we're both adults and we did this
so we have to take responsibility
okay
um
i would still like to meet my soulmate
and i imagine you would too
and we're not going to be able to do that
if we're if we're basically
pretending to be a couple
which we're not
we're not okay
uh
just look at the baby like we both
it's like a timeshare condo
sorry
um
no just to tell you
you're not going to move in
i'm not moving in with you
i'm going to support you 100% with the baby
100%
but i'm not moving in
and when she says why
just be like because i'm not in love with you
we're not
we're not getting married
we
we
screwed up
and now we're doing the right thing
but um
yeah i'm not moving in
and what's she going to do
grab you by the throat
make you move in
no fuck this
and the fact that she's making these demands
she wants half of your money
well
this is the deal dude
you knocked a girl up
and now you got a fucking
you got a kid coming
so
you got to go make some money
all right
and you do have to support the kid
um
this is one of these fucked up things
if she's got a great career
why does she need half of your salary
you know what i mean
if you had a great career
she wouldn't even fucking work
why don't you say this
all right how about this
why don't i be mr mom
i'll stay home with the kid
and you go out and work
and you support me
i'll wear a fucking apron
have at it lady
go put on your nancy reagan power suit
and fucking have at it
yeah dude look
what what do you
i know you got the double whammy here
i this is
i i wouldn't
i wouldn't do a double header here
although the conversation might go in that direction
but i would definitely not tell her
that i'm i'm moving in with her
there's there's no fucking way
there's no way that that's happening
all right
there's no way that that's happening
um because i'm not in love with you
and let her hem
let her haw
let her cry
let her scream
let her throw shit
let her do whatever the fuck she wants to do
um you're not moving in with her sir
all right
don't do it
don't go to bed
with a price on your head
no
don't do it
um sorry beretta
don't fucking do it
all right
and then as far as like
uh
you know
supporting your kid
you got to do it
you got to give her the money
you can't have
this kid
is in an unbelievably
unfortunate situation
you have to make the best of it
and
you guys have to be friends
and that's another reason for not moving in
you know
what are you going to sleep in the same bed
like you're married
like you love each other
I mean you can't fucking do it
so
um
I don't know
but as far as the money thing
yeah you got to go out and start making some money
and if you have to sleep on a fucking futon or whatever
believe me
that's going to be better than having
you know some 18 year old kid someday
who uh
had a shit childhood because of you
and then you got to deal with that
and then try and put the pieces together
when you're on your fucking deathbed
you don't want to do that either
but uh
as far as moving in
fuck that
move close by
and uh
that's it
it's not up for discussion
okay
and she can make all the fucking demands
she wants to
demands
fucking dope
you made a
she made a mistake too
what the fuck she'd make a demands out of you for
furthermore
why the fuck you
why are you worried about it
all right
she can't force you to move in
so fuck her
all right
with a condom next time
sir