Name: Bill Burr - Advice: WTF
Uploaded: 2013-02-18T23:56:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: WTF' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-02-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: WTF' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-02-18. Transcript available.

All right, what the fuck is the next one. Bill, our family friend, our friend
of the family, an investment banker from Yale Business School, extremely
successful, was married about five years ago. He was married to a bitch who
went to Harvard Law School and worked as a very successful lawyer, even when
they were married.
Okay, so he's an investment banker. Okay, this sounds like an arranged marriage.
This is one of those things where every day somebody in their life has on a
blue blazer. Anyways, he says, by themselves, they made more money in a year
than most people make in 10 years. That's not their fault. They also studied
hard enough to get into Yale and Harvard or were born into it, at which point,
good for them, they got lucky.
You know, you can't get mad at people who were born into going to Yale and
Harvard. You can't get mad at that shit unless you're helping out people who
were born into sweatshop labor. If you're actually helping them get out of that,
then you can get mad at that shit.
But if you're just sitting in the middle wearing sweatshop labor clothes and
not giving a fuck and you weren't born into sweatshop labor, I don't think,
personally, I don't think you can get mad at someone who's born in that blue
blood shit. See that?
There's another fucking barroom logic for you there. Anyways, by themselves,
they made more money in a year than most people make in 10 years.
When they got divorced, the husband got custody of the kids, but the wife got
the house.
And half of every penny the husband would ever make for the rest of his life?
That doesn't make sense.
Unless they came, drew that up.
Not only could she now easily support herself, she remarried another lawyer
that made just as much as her, but continues to spend the original husband's
money.
But as far as I know, when she gets remarried, the alimony stops.
As does the child support, I believe.
Unless he doesn't legally adopt them.
I don't know, it's weird.
And it also goes from state to state.
And I've also never read up on those laws.
People have just told me about them.
Anyways, she has no kids to take care of or anything, but she's still got
everything.
We live in Massachusetts, which means the divorce laws heavily favor females.
But still, what the fuck?
Yeah, it's brutal.
I think eventually they will be reformed.
Reformed?
Or reformed?
They will be reformed in another shape.
They'll be reformed.
What?
You know, guys, if you're still listening to this fucking podcast, I mean,
other than beyond to just listen to how fucking stupid I am to make yourselves
feel better, please don't listen to me.
Yeah, dude, I mean, they are what they are.
Divorce laws are what they are, and I'm done bitching about them because I'm
not doing anything.
I'm not starting a movement to try and change them.
I'm a lazy fuck.
I like to sit around and complain.
But if you have a petition, I'm all about it.
I'll sign it.
I'll definitely sign it.
In fairness, when the woman makes more money, a guy can do that to her, too.
But the way the world is set up, the guys make most of the fucking money.
So I guess that's one of the trade-offs.
So in the words of Mr. Hand, get a good one.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High reference to you older people out there.
Get a good one.
Get yourself a good woman.
If I ever get divorced, if I ever get married, and if I ever get divorced, I'm
going to tell you right now.
I am going to go into such a zen space.
I already know what the fuck I'm going to do.
I'm going to get a one-bedroom apartment.
I'm going to get an electronic drum kit.
I'm going to have one fucking bowl, one plate, one fork, one spoon, one knife.
I'm going to have a fucking TV.
I'm going to have all the sports packages.
And I'm going to dress like Malcolm Young, which is fucking jeans, t-shirt, no
belt.
That's it.
I'm going to ride a bicycle.
And I'm just going to, I'm just, I'm tapping out.
I'm never going to Best Buy again.
I'm never going to Target other than after I get my bowl.
Can you buy one bowl?
I don't think you can.
You know, I'm going to, I will, I won't even have a vacuum cleaner.
I'll have a little broom and a dustpan, and I am going to live like a fucking
monk.
That's it.
And I'll give her all my fucking money.
I'll keep telling jokes.
I don't give a shit.
I'll give her all the fucking money.
Hey, you want it?
Is this going to make you happy?
Go ahead.
Fuck it.
Fuck it.
The fuck do I care?
You know, when it rains, do I get wet?
No, I don't.
Am I eating every day?
Fine.
I'm going to get into that mindset.
And I'll send her that alimony and child support check, and I will draw a big,
maniacal fucking smiley face on it.
And that's it.
And I will show up.
You know what I'm going to buy?
I would buy a Chevy Citation with the sideways radio.
And I would redo that fucker.
I'd have the ugliest fucking car on top, and underneath would be sweet.
I'd teach myself how to do all of that shit.
You know?
That's what I would do.
That's what I would do.
I already have the game plan.
You know?
This is how you're successful.
You've got to have everything all mapped out.
I'm not even married yet, and I'm still fucking...
I already have a plan if I get divorced.
Okay, people?
You've got to think ahead.
All right, friends, ugly chick.
Uncle Billy Boy.
And if you're fucking divorced right now, you ought to do that.
Rather than trying to get all your shit back.
How about this?
How about fuck having shit?
Huh?
There you go.
That's about the stupidest thing you ever heard.
But think about it.
There's a brilliance in there.
Fuck it.
Why do you need to have...
You don't need a man cave.
You know?
Then something's going to break down, and some...
You know?
Whatever the fuck.
The geek squad's got to come over there.
You don't want to deal with that shit.
How about keeping it simple?
Have a banana for breakfast.
You know?
Tape some NHL games.
Or some NBA.
Whatever the fuck you're into.
Sit there and read the paper.
You know?
I think I'm onto something here.
Right?
Fuck iPods.
Get a stereo.
Listen to a record.
Start churning butter.
Just go the other way.
Don't let her win.
You go the other way.
Start making your own clothes.
All right.
You don't got to go that far.
But you know what I'm saying.