Name: Bill Burr - UFOs
Uploaded: 2013-03-18T23:11:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - UFOs' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - UFOs' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-18. Transcript available.

All right. UFOs. Dude, my question is in here somewhere. I am nowhere near a
conspiracy freak or anything like that. But I do admit I get a hard on for any
documentary on that secret military base in Nevada that is called Area 51. The
government is supposed. Well, I mean, believe in aliens like. I don't know that
that's really not that crazy.
You know, you think like. How big the fucking universe is. There's just life on
one planet. No life anywhere else, despite the fact that they see evidence of
water on Mars at some point. You know, I'm telling you guys, we're not that
special.
If you're God and you made the whole universe, I'm just going to sit back
watching one fucking. Planet, maybe that's why the earth is so fucked up. I don't
think he's been watching us for the last couple thousand.
When's the last time he reached out? Reach out, reach out, freak someone out.
Right. When's the last time he fucking did that? When's the last time he
fucking was in a burning bush going, hey, hey, you there.
You there with the long fucking curvy stick next to the sheet. Come over here.
Come over to the burning bush.
You know, when's the last time he did that? I think he's been watching other
earths flipping through the channels.
You know. Can you imagine how clear his fucking how big do you think God's flat
screen TV is?
How clear is that picture? I bet even if you make it to heaven, you know, you
don't even get to see it like he comes out of his office and you try to peek in
real quick.
And like the human eye, you get just it's just too much of a fucking glare.
Right.
So anyways, yeah, if you believe in aliens, I mean.
I mean, I don't know that that we can reach one another.
You know, that whole flying saucer fucking horse shit.
I mean, how long can you go with with artificial breathe, you know, some sort
of atmosphere in there?
It was like on Star Trek. I mean, they just had this limitless supply of
fucking oxygen.
Just fucking flying through space.
Now, look at them. They landed on a lot of planets that had oxygen.
They would just land on these planets and they just had oxygen.
I think what they did was they opened the day landed the Starship Enterprise.
They just opened the windows and they got some more oxygen and then they flew
away.
Right. Isn't that how it works?
Anyways, the government supposedly is housing and researching crashed UFOs and
uses deadly force to keep regular people out.
Do you have any opinion on the subject?
I think I just said, I mean, I don't fuck.
Do I think they actually have the bodies of aliens?
Do you realize like the level of secrecy you would have to have if you actually
had that shit?
That would be like one of the things before they went in the room.
It's like, OK, we're going to let you in this room.
And you got to understand when you go in this room, the door is closing and you're
never getting out because you're going to see some fucking shit in here that I
don't give a fuck.
You're not. If you have one shot of NyQuil, you're going to be blabbering about
it.
You can't do it.
So I don't know. I don't fucking know.
Anyways, he goes, what does your bullshit meter say?
I think there's way too much of a veil of secrecy around the place to think
otherwise.
I used to know someone who was a career Air Force pilot.
Whenever the subject of that base or those mysterious flights, mysterious
lights over Phoenix seen in 1997 came up, he completely removed himself from
the conversation.
Those mysterious lights, I don't even know what you're talking about.
For all you know, they're just testing some psycho fucking weaponry.
You know, remember when the new Yankee Stadium came out in like 08 or 09 and
they were like, we have 2013 technology.
All right.
If those fucking morons that run that place can have shit that we're not going
to have, you know, they can be four or five years ahead of us.
Can you imagine what the government is?
I mean, they got to have shit from like, I don't know, 2014.
I have no fucking idea.
I don't know.
Anyways, he says, quite frankly, the evening's laughs would end right after the
topic was brought up.
I believe in life outside of our universe.
To think that we human and all of Earth's inhabitants are the only life
anywhere is just plain ignorant.
I 100% agree with that.
I'm sure you've heard stories about President Nixon secretly showing UFOs and
aliens to his favorite comedian, Jackie Gleason.
That's a complete crock of shit.
What would you like?
He's going to do that.
All right.
Now, I know I'm not supposed to show you that.
I know I'm not supposed to show you this stuff.
And away we go.
That was a bad Nixon impression right there.
What would happen if you were shown some stuff like that?
I imagine I would immediately be microchipped or shot in the back of the
fucking head.
Would you tell about it?
I wouldn't want to know about that.
If I actually found out about that, it would blow my fucking mind.
You know what it is?
Look, maybe your Air Force guy buddy there has seen some.
Because I would say that, like, all conversation.
No, but you know what?
He laughs right up until that moment.
If he wasn't laughing at all throughout all your conversation, then I would
believe it more.
Because I know if I knew some shit like that, and then I would sit there and
listening to people talking about God and all the shit that we believe down
here.
That didn't include aliens.
I would feel like a fucking alien.
Because I would be like, yeah, we're just a speck of dust there, people.
And there's all this other stuff out there.
And, yeah, it would drive me nuts after a while.
Yeah, no.
I'm not cut out for that fucking.
The kind of secrets I can keep are like, you know.
You know, it stays in the locker room kind of shit.
You know what I mean?
You live your life.
You want to fucking live your life.
You know, until, like, if you're, look, if you're pouring shit into the water
supply, you know, if you're doing stuff like that, if you're fucking vandalizing
the neighborhood I live in, then go fuck yourself.
All right?
But, you know, the other bullshit, I look the other way.
But if I knew there was fucking aliens, yeah, no.
Look, I'm too fucking stupid.
There's no way they would tell it to me.
If I was in the Air Force, how far into the Air Force do you think I would get?
Do you think I'd get anywhere beyond the guy with the two sticks guiding the
fucking plane in?
You know?