Name: Bill Burr On The Bob&Tom Show 03-22-13
Uploaded: 2013-03-25T01:52:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr On The Bob&Tom Show 03-22-13' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr On The Bob&Tom Show 03-22-13' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-25. Transcript available.

Bill Burr On The Bob&Tom Show 03-22-13

Well, are you a drinker?
Am I, yeah.
Yeah.
Heck yeah, yeah.
What do you got?
What's your drink of choice?
I go through phases.
I'll go all the way up to top shelf scotch,
all the way down to the first beer I ever got drunk on,
depending on what I'm feeling.
Michelob light all the way up.
Michelob light.
Is that your first beer, Michelob light?
Yeah.
Faneuil Hall in Boston.
Had two of them, got a little glow going.
Nice.
Had a slice of pizza, it was a great night.
Yeah, sure.
I've never seen you happier.
Let's look at his face.
Yeah, he lit up.
I love it.
I love it.
I always get sad when one of my friends gets sober,
or even worse is when you meet somebody who you knew was a great drinker,
but you met them after they got sober, and you're like,
"Ah, we would have had a great time."
Great time.
Yeah, now you're just responsible.
I would have taken you down a different path.
Yeah.
Now you're responsible.
Now you're a pastor.
It's funny, in the world of news, we'll get a story,
then it'll kind of float around for a while, then it'll come back.
And I don't know if you guys saw this one, but I don't know why it's back again
today
in the international news segment.
Did you hear about this guy?
He was a teenage kid in China, and he gave his girlfriend what he called
moisturizer.
And her roommate noticed that it smelled strange and determined that it was in
fact his male seed.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
I saw that coming.
He said, "I love..."
The guy, Gu Wen, gave his...
His first name's Gu?
Gu.
Yeah.
See, that's why I hadn't seen that before.
I swear to God.
I think there's a T on the end of Gu Wen.
Gu Wen.
Gu Wen.
Gu Wen.
He gave his wannabe girlfriend, Zhang Lin, the bottle.
He said, "I love her so much, but she didn't know it, and I didn't know how to..."
I'm surprised her name wasn't Klee Nex.
I didn't know how to tell her.
Yeah, why not?
Come on.
He said, "This was the ultimate way to show my love."
Yeah.
I was looking for the face.
Well, she filed a...
Is that how...
Never mind.
She filed a complaint, a legal complaint.
That's why this had made the news.
This guy was ordered to pay a $300 fine, the equivalent of $300.
That's it.
That guy should be removed from society.
I couldn't agree with you more.
We had a guy in California, remember this, with a spritzer?
Mm-hmm.
As they were coming into a department store, right?
Yeah, he had filled a spritzer with his seed.
Wow.
Spraying people.
Oh, man.
That's a very peculiar...
Actually, there's something funny about that.
That's disgusting.
Comedically, you have to respect that.
But it's just like, that's...
God.
That is hilarious.
Mm-hmm.
That's a specific fetish, I'm guessing, where you need...
Yeah.
It's too disgusting to go into detail as far as, like, you know, the prep time
for the...
Sure, you gotta mix it up.
You gotta...
You gotta water it down.
Obviously, you have the right mixture.
Yeah, you can't just...
It's gonna clog up your sprayer.
Big time.
Come on.
You could...
Like, those are the things.
When you do something weird like that, like, you should just...
That's it.
You're out.
That's a lot of work.
Oh, man.
You're out of the pool.
Yeah, no.
You gotta like...
Yeah, all those creeps.
Mm-hmm.
You're out.
Every one of 'em.
You can't be like, "Oh, $300 fine and a little slap on the wrist and that's it.
You're back into society."
Right?
Now, we were talking about Bill Burr moving to Los Angeles, California, and you
mentioned
that you now have a live-in girlfriend and a dog.
Mm-hmm.
This is big.
And a hole in the roof, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Girlfriend doing okay?
Yeah, she's great.
Now, does she have what we would consider a normal job?
Yeah.
She's got a regular job.
She's a civilian?
Civilian, yeah.
Are you enjoying the transition?
A lot of people who go from East to West don't care for it.
Yeah, that's because they try to do stuff, East Coast stuff.
Mm-hmm.
On the West Coast.
You know what I mean?
They try to get a good slice of pizza and drink 'til four in the morning.
That doesn't happen.
No.
You start at eight and you get a burrito.
Mm-hmm.
It's all good.
Yeah.
L.A. has some of the greatest food, architecture, all kinds of great stuff.
You just have to go find it.
I did the East Coast thing where you show up with your three-quarter leather,
you know,
and just act like, "This place sucks."
Come on.
It's sunny every day.
This sucks.
I'm gonna lose my edge.
Can't get a slice.
Yeah, all that dumb stuff.
And then after a while, you're like, "You know what? This is nice."
This is not bad, yeah.
Why don't I just give in to the fact that this is nice?
It's nice.
Bill changed, man.
Yeah.
Bill changed.
Yeah, keep your edge.
Yeah, stay angry forever, you know?
Have you developed a taste for any interesting food that you would not have
been eating?
Have I?
I don't know.
Probably, their burgers are way better.
The Mexican food, obviously, is tremendous.
A zillion times, yeah.
Thai food is unreal out there.
Yeah.
Sushi's amazing.
And then there's all these incredible restaurants out there because, I don't
know,
they've got all these chefs and everything.
Like, I don't know, my girl picks them all out.
Mm-hmm.
She always finds out about them.
"We should go to this place."
All right.
It's a zillion dollars, but then it always ends up being good, you know?
Yeah, that's good.
That's good.
That's good that you're allowing yourself to expand, unlike a lot of your
contemporaries
that...
I think they enjoy bitching about not being in New York, that they always end
up staying
in Los Angeles.
Yeah, I don't know what...
I mean, I did it too.
I think it's when you're younger you do it, but then when you get older you
just realize,
"Am I really just gonna be angry for the rest of my life?
Am I really, you know, gonna be jammed on top of people in New York City?"
That's what I just got sick of, just living on top of somebody else or beneath
somebody.
Yeah.
And every time you drop a pen, somebody yells something at you.
It's just like...
Yeah, it's like, I can't deal with this.
And I don't want to smell your goulash or whatever the hell you're cooking.
It always had some...
Goo.
It always had some, like, super...
It was like some from, like, Transylvanian country, and they were always making
just
some horrific food as you came walking in.
Oh, yeah.
They couldn't adjust the heater.
Yeah.
And they walk in the steps and they spritz you in the face.
It'd be horrible.
Yeah.
Now that you've made all these adjustments...
Thank you for pulling me out of this.
Are you going to become a family man, do you think?
You know, I don't know.
I think there's enough families and I think there's enough people out there.
I think we've got enough.
It's seven billion.
I think we ought to, you know...
I think we're done, yeah.
It's like the NFL got the 32 teams.
They're like, all right, that's it, you know?
Although they are trying to go to England now.
Yeah.
But, like, you know.
Yeah.
I think there's enough people.
If I was going to have a kid, I'd probably adopt.
There you go.
Yeah.
Recycle.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Have you picked out any names?
Well, you've got to pick out a kid first.
No, whatever the kid's name is.
I can tell you're hesitant about this child thing.
Have you chosen a name yet?
Yeah, we're going to call him Avian.
What the hell's wrong with you?
Come on.
Oh, you've got to go with the name that they give you?
Yeah.
Oh, I thought it was like a dog.
You can't change a kid.
No, you don't rename them.
Wait a minute, hold it.
I'm with him.
You can't change your name if you adopt?
Well, it depends on how old they are.
Well, they are.
What if you want to call him Mickey?
I think that says a lot about you if you do.
You know, obviously that kid's going to be...
Your name is Mickey now.
Yeah.
I'm running stuff.
My house.
Right.
Hey, listen.
On my roof, you're Mickey.
Uh-huh.
Listen, we'd like to keep calling you Goo.
But I'm a girl.
But Goo, you're going to have some problems on the playground, Goo.
Shut up, Mickey.
If you're a baby and you don't know your name, I would be fine.
Goo, we're going to call you Bill Junior.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Now, you're not a junior, are you?
No.
Is there a junior in your family?
No.
Okay.
Just checking.
Good call.
Did you take acting lessons, Bill?
Yeah, I took acting class, you know, but, you know.
Was it like...
I got my thing that I do.
It'll get old quick, but it's working right now.
When Christopher took acting lessons on The Sopranos...
I'm a comedian, everybody.
I'm a comedian.
He punched a guy.
Uh-huh.
Got to commit to the role.
Yeah, you know.
No.
There's guys who like...
I never disrespect acting by saying that I'm definitely a stand-up comedian.
There's guys out there, when they're going to play a guy, they come up with how
the person
walks.
Right, right, right.
You know what I mean?
It's a method actor.
All of us in here have a different walk.
They're literally...
My acting is I'm just me if I was in that situation and I knew I wasn't going
to get shot.
So I can be a little cocky.
Right.
I'm real bad with the names.
Silence of the Lambs.
Oh.
Anthony Hopkins.
Anthony Hopkins.
Anthony Hopkins.
Anthony Hopkins.
Any other actor, if they ever played Hannibal Lecter, that is it.
You're done.
You're Hannibal Lecter for life.
Forever.
That guy was so good.
Like the next movie I saw him in was Amistad and he was playing like Sam Adams
and he was
Sam Adams.
There was no hint whatsoever of Hannibal Lecter at all.
No Hannibal Lecter in it.
It was unbelievable.
And I was just like, that's right when I just started taking acting classes and
I'm just
like, how long does it take to get that good?
And I'm trying to get good as a comedian.
All right.
I like the guys that when they do have their show, they keep their name.
The actor.
Yeah.
Tony Danza.
Will Smith.
They stay Tony.
They stay Will.
Smartest thing.
The movie at the end, they say, you know, the dog Benji was played by Fido.
And you go, really?
Yeah.
Right.
He had to change the dog's name?
I like it when the guy, the guy goes, look, I'm not really that much of an
actor.
Just, just call me Bill.
No matter what.
No, but that's a great thing to do because people remember you as your
character.
Yeah.
Well, cause if they don't, they're going to, yeah, they're going to be calling,
you know,
Hey, Urkel.
Yeah.
You'd rather go by Hannibal.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You want to go by your name.
I see.
Well, what else is happening in your life?
You got a house with a leak.
Yep.
So I'm dealing with that.
You're involved in a serious relationship and you're working on the TV and
traveling,
traveling all over the place doing standup comedy.
Now doing theaters, which is pretty cool.
Yep.
For as long as that lasts.
Do you, uh...
The younger redhead comes along and steals my thunder.
Go back to doing standup at Chinese restaurants.
I'm saving my money.
Putting it into the roof.
Good for you.
Uh huh.
That's good.
So you're a homeowner.
I'm a homeowner.
I bought a house.
The bank owns it.
I'm not one of those people who does that.
Like, do you own?
Do you rent or do you own?
It's like that.
I'm so fan for it.
All you did was switch your landlord.
Mm-hmm.
How true.
Banking is just legalized loan sharking.
That's it.
Everybody out there, if you're doing anything illegal, what you need to be
working towards
is getting to...
You got to get on the legal side of stealing.
And once you get on that side...
You're in.
You don't need guns anymore.
Uh huh.
You don't need to break people's legs.
You got the cops to do it for you.
They will enforce your scam.
You can extort money from people.
Yeah.
You can...
You can do all...
All the scams the mob does, you can do on the legal side.
And be a respected part of the community.
Oh yeah.
Give to politicians and all that.
You can have a great time stealing from people.
You could just...
You don't have to like, you know, flip cars and hide money and you don't have
to launder
anything.
You get to live on the top of the hill and look down at everybody.
Yeah.
I screw people over legally.
Here I am.
Tha