Name: Bill Burr - Why Are You Going to Indianapolis Bill?
Uploaded: 2013-03-26T12:25:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why Are You Going to Indianapolis Bill?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why Are You Going to Indianapolis Bill?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-03-26. Transcript available.

Oh my God, you guys, I have to tell you this story.
So I'm flying, so I do an episode of Kroll's show.
And always, working with Nick Kroll, you're guaranteed you're going to laugh
your ass off all fucking day.
Can I kiss the kid's ass? I fucking love him. I think he's a fucking genius.
So anyways, I go to the airport and I'm taking the red eye.
I'm taking this 1055 flight, non-fucking-stop, because that's how I do it.
All right? I'm on a good plane.
Why would I want to get off it and switch and roll the dice and get on another
one?
You know, let's just fucking get there.
When I drive up to San Francisco, I don't pull over and fucking Burbank and
then get into another car.
We get it, Bill. All right.
So I get on the fucking plane, right?
I use my miles, bump myself up like a fancy person.
You know, maybe I invented the Cheesecake Factory, people are thinking.
And then they see how I'm dressed and they go, oh, no, he didn't invent the
Cheesecake Factory.
And I go to go to sit down in my seat and I go to set my bag down.
I was going to set it down right in front of me.
And the nice fellow sitting next to me goes, why don't you stick it in the
middle of this room?
And he moved his bag out of the way.
I'm like, all right, this guy's a solid dude or whatever.
And then all of a sudden the waitress comes by, a stewardess, whatever.
She comes by, flight attendant, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call him.
She comes up and she's, can I get you a gel and a drink?
And I was like, yeah, can I get a, let me get a water, please.
Ice or no ice?
What?
However you make it.
Stop acting like it's a fucking martini.
It's all right.
Just give me a water with ice.
Thank you.
And the guy next to me, he orders a Doer's.
Neat.
No ice.
No nothing.
Just put it in there.
So they bring our drinks.
All right.
And I'm really thirsty.
So I start sucking mine down and he just throws his back like it's nothing.
Like fucking John Wayne.
Right before he's going to turn around and beat up three guys, three mustachioed
guys in the 1930s.
Right.
So, um, I'm just sitting there and everybody's getting on the flight, you know,
and I'm looking around at the passengers, you know, fucking doing whatever I'm
doing.
And all of a sudden the guy next to me, Mr. Doer's goes to me, uh, he goes,
excuse me.
He goes, are you afraid to fly?
And I looked at him, I was like, what?
He goes, are you afraid to fly?
And I go, no, no, I'm not.
And he goes, he goes, all right.
But you know, it's, he goes, it's okay.
You know, it's okay to tell me if you're afraid to fly.
And it's immediately getting weird.
And I'm like, no, I'm not afraid to fly.
And then I'm thinking in my head, wait, is he afraid to fly?
And that's why he's drinking the way he just drank.
And now he's hoping that I'm going to be afraid to fly.
So he, you know, he just wants to open up.
That's what I'm thinking.
And I go, I'm like, yeah, no, I'm not afraid to fly.
And he won't leave it alone.
He goes, all right.
Cause you know, you're, you're, you're fidgeting.
You're looking around at other passengers.
And I'm sitting there looking at the, like, is this guy fucking serious?
And I go, no, I go, I'm not afraid to fly.
So now I'm like, fuck this guy.
I'm not talking to this guy for the rest of the flight.
This guy's weird, man.
It's like 30, just get paint the pictures.
Like 32 year old, wiry in shape, but like wiry white dude.
He's got a Scully cap on with fucking glasses.
Um, you know, and, uh, he goes, uh, like there's like a minute of silence and
people
still getting on the plane.
And then he goes, Hey, sorry about that.
Sorry.
We just, we just got off on the wrong foot.
He's like, my name's so-and-so.
He goes, what's your name?
And then I'm thinking in my head, like, what's my name?
My name's Frank.
I wanted to give him like a, by just some reason I just went, it's Bill.
And he goes, Oh, Hey Bill.
And he goes, nice to meet you.
So we shake hands and I'm just looking at, I don't have any poker face.
I'm looking at the guy like, what the fuck is your problem?
I'm not even trying to not, I'm not trying to be pleasant.
I'm already done with this guy.
So then the guy goes, Oh, Hey Bill.
He goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
Right?
Like he's fucking interrogating me.
And I, I'm like, is this guy fucking serious?
And I start doing the math in my head going, wait, is this guy like an air marshal
or something?
And I'm like, no, he's not.
He's fucking slamming booze over here.
Fuck this guy.
So I just go, I go, look, I don't, I don't have to answer your questions.
That's it.
And I just look straight forward.
He goes, okay, now I'm concerned.
Okay.
I am concerned.
And I'm looking at him like concerned about what he goes, you're fidgeting.
You're, you, you, you have issues with other passengers and blah, blah, blah,
blah.
He starts painting like, like this, like he's been, I don't know what the fuck,
like psychologically
breaking me down.
All right.
So now at this, by this point, they've closed the fucking, the door to the fuselage
and we're
starting to taxi.
And I just finally look at the guy and I, and I go, I go, you know, I came up
with the fight.
One point I literally stick my hand out because he kept saying I was nervous
and I stick my
hand right in front of his face and I hold it level.
Oh, that's what I did the first time.
Yeah.
I hold it level.
I go, I'm not nervous.
And he goes, well, anybody can do that.
And that's when I was like, fuck this guy.
I'm not talking to the guy.
Sorry.
Fuck this story up.
Then, then he, then he came back, got my name.
Now he's going, why are you going to Indianapolis?
And I finally look at him.
I say, listen, pal, I'm drinking waters.
You're drinking doers.
Okay.
There's no issue over here.
And then he goes, it wasn't doers.
What she gave me wasn't doers.
Really?
What was it?
Some sort of spy juice.
You fucking jerk off this point.
I want to punch him right through his fucking stupid, wiry glasses.
Right?
So he's going, like, you're looking around hostels.
And I said something that just ticked him off.
I was just, yeah, dude.
I go, I don't have to answer your questions.
All right?
Leave me alone.
And then he goes, he goes, he goes, he starts going like, okay, now I am really
concerned
right now.
He goes, why are you going to Indianapolis?
And I just look at him.
You know what I start doing?
I start doing like this Ryan Gosling.
You know, that little smirk, that fucking Mona Lisa smile he has as he smirks
his way
through all this fucking movies.
I do.
I go full on Ryan Gosling.
Now I'm not talking to this guy and I just keep looking at him and I give him
that little
half a smirk and I just shake my head.
That's my game now.
That's, this is my, it's like, if you're going to be a dick right now with your
fucking delusional
authority, right?
That you're going to say like we're in fucking Guantanamo and you're going to
waterboard
me, huh?
There's no water.
There's no board.
Go fuck yourself.
Here's my smirk.
And I'm just going to shake my head at you like you're a fucking pathetic human
being.
This is what I'm doing.
Right?
And this is the funny thing.
I'm such a dick.
All I have to say to the guys, I'm a comedian.
I'm going to do a sold out show there and that would make him back off.
But I'm a dick.
I'm like, fuck this guy.
I want to see where this is going.
So now he's all fucking amped up and he starts dropping F, you know, he's
saying the F word.
He's sitting there going, if you don't, he goes, if you don't fucking answer my
question
right fucking now, I am going to hit that call button.
We're sitting there taxiing down the fucking getting in the line.
I'm going to fucking hit this fucking button.
If you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm just fucking Mona Lisa smile, smirking, just shaking my head like you
are a fucking
retard.
Right?
So now he's saying the F word so much.
The lady who's sitting in front of me, diagonally in front, right in front of
him, turns around
and looks at us.
And now my heart's racing.
I'm like, where's this going?
This is going to be great.
I am a hundred percent fucking innocent.
This guy's drunk and I think he's going to hit that button.
Oh, I got a feeling he's going to hit that button.
What's going to happen?
Right?
I want to see what the pilot looks like.
Let's see where the fuck this is going.
Right?
So he goes, if you don't fuck you, he starts, he starts bringing his hand up to
the button
going, I'm going to hit that button.
You don't think I'll fucking do it.
I'll hit that button.
And I'm sitting there smirking at him thinking in my head, go ahead, hit the
fucking button.
Let's see what happens.
Let's see what happens.
Right?
So finally, now he wants to hit the button and he can't fucking find it.
And it's in, in defense of him, I couldn't find it either.
I was looking up there.
I half wanted to hit it myself.
Then he finally, he finally finds it and he hits it.
Right?
And now I'm just like, holy shit, what's going to happen?
And he's sitting there going, yeah, huh?
You want to fucking play this game?
You want to fucking play this game?
And I was surprised.
I mean, it took like fucking like 30 seconds before a flight attendant, the one
who gave
him the booze, which evidently wasn't booze, comes over.
And at this point, we're like doing that shit where we're behind a plane.
We're almost ready to take off.
Like we're pulling up and then stopping, pulling up and stopping as planes are
taking off.
So she goes, yeah, what's the problem over here?
And he goes, uh, I'm not comfortable to fly with this guy.
This guy, he's fidgeting.
He's looking around at other fucking people, blah, blah, blah, blah.
He's doing all this thing.
Right?
And then the stewardess looks at me and I'm just sitting there fucking my
little smirk,
just shaking my head.
And I just looking at this dude, just shaking my head.
Like this guy's out of his fucking mind.
I don't say a word.
And this guy goes on and on and on about his fucking psychobabble about how I'm
the security
risk.
So she goes to, so she goes, okay.
Um, any other passengers?
Have you noticed anything?
She's talking to everybody first class at this point.
Has anybody noticed anything odd about this guy?
And the lady who was sitting right in front of the dude, diagonally from me,
turns around.
She goes, yeah, I've been listening to this guy berating this other passenger.
She's on my side.
And I haven't said a fucking word.
This is great.
And I'm just sitting there smirking.
Then the stewardess looks at me and I shrugged my shoulders like, I don't know
what to tell
you.
So finally she said, sir, do you have anything to add to this?
And I just said, look, I'm just a guy trying to go to Indianapolis.
This guy over here, he starts slamming his doors.
I kind of felt like a rat when I said that.
I go, he's slamming his doors.
Next thing you know, he's dropping the F bomb to me.
Then I'm thinking, oh, fuck.
I just said bomb, right?
Fortunately, nothing happens.
So now another fucking, the male stewardess comes over right now.
He's going like, what's going on?
And the captain of the fucking, now at this point we've pulled over and the
plane has
stopped.
Two hundred fifty people trying to get to Indianapolis and jerk off over here.
Can't hold this fucking alcohol.
Who just watched a person of interest every every I guess.
Evidently, I have no fucking idea.
Now the plane is stopped.
This fucking jerk off has stopped the plane.
Interrogating a goddamn comedian like I'm in the fucking Taliban and like he
works for
the CIA, right?
So now we're just sitting.
And the captain is up front in the plane like saying to the stewardess is going
basically
relaying.
Do I really have to fucking come back there?
This is the last flight of the night.
Is there really a goddamn problem?
And that was the vibe.
And they finally said to the douche sitting next to me, are you going to be OK
to fly
with him?
And at that point it appeased his fucking ego.
That he was somehow in control and he goes like, you know what?
OK, it's fine.
It's fine.
It'll be fine.
It'll be fine.
So they go, OK, so now the plane's going again.
And now we're now we fucking come around and he's sitting there fucking he's in
my ear.
And at this point, I am like the fucking laugh.
You hear me doing the podcast.
That's what I'm doing.
And he's sitting there going.
He goes, you know what?
I'm glad I'm glad you.
I hope you fucking do.
I hope you fucking try something.
I hope you fucking try something when we're up to.
I really hope you fucking try something.
And I'm just fucking like gut busting, laughing, shaking.
Like, what are you going to fucking do to me?
What are you going to do to me?
How are you going to punch me in the face?
You fucking wiry jackass with your fucking glasses on, you know, that's a
federal offense.
You're going to go to jail if you do that or something.
I don't know what.
Right.
So I'm just sitting there fucking laughing at the guy going.
I actually at one point I put my fucking little eye pillow thing on, you know,
like I'm going to sleep.
Oh, I had that out, too.
When the stewardess was talking to me, I was like putting it on is this total
mindfuck.
Like, I don't know what this guy is.
I'm just trying to go to Indianapolis.
I'm going to sleep.
And so I got I got my fucking eye thing on.
Right.
As he's sitting there threatening me, just I was going total passive aggressive.
It's like, dude, I'm so not concerned with you.
I'm literally putting a blindfold on.
All right.
So this fucking guy, he starts going.
He goes, he goes, you think you fucking won this?
You think you fucking won this?
He goes, you know, my dad is my dad.
He started saying his dad's some major CEO in Indianapolis.
Doesn't sound like a fucking made up story.
I swear to God, this is all true.
He goes, my dad is some major CEO in Indianapolis.
Listen, I will have you fucking arrested.
And the lady turns around again.
I will have you fucking arrested the second we get on the ground.
I'm thinking like, for what?
For what?
Sitting here, you fucking loser.
Learn how to hold your alcohol.
All right.
And he starts describing the view that I'm going to have when I go to jail,
like some fucking
law and order episode.
Oh, you're going to love it.
You'll be able to see Lucas Oilfield and bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
And I'm just sitting there cracking up, laughing.
And then there's this pause, right?
And I'm thinking, finally, he finally shut the fuck up.
It's like a three, four minute pause.
He finally just gave up because I wasn't giving him anything.
I was just laughing and shaking my head.
I was being a dick to him.
I was because I was enjoying it.
And then there was like a three minute pause.
And then all of a sudden he just goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
So we're like 20 minutes into the flight.
And I got to be honest with you, my adrenaline was so going during all of that
because I knew
I didn't do anything wrong, but I thought we were literally going to go back
and there
was going to be fucking cops there.
Like if the fucking stewardess or the pilot asked me who I am and where I'm
going, I'm going to tell them.
I respect your authority.
You're just some, I don't, you don't have any fucking authority.
I don't have to answer your questions.
It was probably, it was one of the most fun experiences I've ever had with
another human
being.
Like when somebody thinks that they have power and you know, they don't and all
they can
do is try to just keep bluffing and raising their voice and start cursing at
you.
And if you just start laughing at them, the look on their face is fucking priceless.
So the last thing he said, he said, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
Right.
And I fucking started howling, just fucking holding my stomach, shaking my head
and with
my fucking eye pillow thing on.
Right.
And I know I'm going to get a ton of shit that I wear one of those.
I, they're fucking underrated.
Get the one at Brookstone where it's literally a pillow.
I'm telling you, you could fall asleep 12 noon facing the sun.
It's awesome.
So anyways, like after he, he asked me what, what, you know, where you going,
Bill?
You're like, there was like a 10 minute, like probably 10 minutes had gone by
and I can't
fucking sleep because it's so funny to me.
I can't wait to tell the story to every comic I know.
I can't wait to try it on stage to see if it's funny or whatever.
So finally I just like, ah, fuck it.
Maybe I'll just get on my computer and I bring up my eye pillow and I like, I
got to look
at the guy cause I know he's fucking staring at me, waiting for me to do
something.
Right.
So I lift it up.
I get my fucking Mona Lisa smile going and I look over at the guy and dude, he
is fucking
passed out.
He looked like he got shot.
He was sitting there like his head was just hanging straight down.
And anytime the plane moved, like his head was, I mean, he looked like he got
knocked out.
And for the rest of the fucking flight, old fucking, uh, what's Matt Damon's
character?
Jack Ryan.
Old fucking Jack Ryan over here is just, you know, the sky marshal, the fucking
booze bag.
And God knows what else he was on.
He was just completely out, passed out for the rest of the fucking flight.
And this is how much a dick I am.
I was having so much fun with this guy.
I start, I can't sleep.
So I start slamming waters because I want to have to get up and take a piss
just to see
if this guy's going to freak out because this security risk is getting up.
And this, the joke was on me.
He never regained consciousness.
And then I really had to take a piss, but I'm such a stubborn fuck.
I was holding it because I wanted to make sure he was awake when I got up
because I was going to give him a little smirk.
And then I was going to get up, see if he hit the call button again.
Um, but he didn't, he didn't wake up till we, we hit the ground.
And, um, and then it's funny.
Then he woke up and it was like four hours later.
So now he had kind of slept off, whatever the fuck this guy was on.
And I'm sitting there smirking, waiting for the guy to start talking.
I mean, he won't look at me.
And I, I, and I think at that point he kind of fucking realized that maybe he
got a little, uh, a little extra, little too patriotic.
So we stop, we stop at the gate and everything and we're going to get up.
So I grabbed my shit.
I get up and I'm just kind of looking at him and he won't look at me.
And then the lady who was sitting in front of me had this big smile on her face.
She goes, how you, she goes, how you doing?
And I went, good.
I go, that, I go, that was an interesting one.
And I said it really loud.
So the guy heard and he didn't say anything.
And this is what he did to try to save face.
His pillow was kind of stuck behind, was kind of stuck behind his shoulder in
like a weird place.
So he was frustrated with it.
So he ripped it out from behind him and kind of threw it down on the floor and
went, like, try to do some caveman.
Grunt to try to still have some sort of, uh, I don't know what.
So, so that was my flight to Indianapolis people.
Um, you know what, how, how far into the fucking podcast are we?
That was a long, that was a long fucking story.

Bill Burr - Why Are You Going to Indianapolis Bill?

Oh my God, you guys, I have to tell you this story.
So I'm flying, so I do an episode of Kroll's show.
And always, working with Nick Kroll, you're guaranteed you're going to laugh
your ass off all fucking day.
Can I kiss the kid's ass? I fucking love him. I think he's a fucking genius.
So anyways, I go to the airport and I'm taking the red eye.
I'm taking this 1055 flight, non-fucking-stop, because that's how I do it.
All right? I'm on a good plane.
Why would I want to get off it and switch and roll the dice and get on another
one?
You know, let's just fucking get there.
When I drive up to San Francisco, I don't pull over and fucking Burbank and
then get into another car.
We get it, Bill. All right.
So I get on the fucking plane, right?
I use my miles, bump myself up like a fancy person.
You know, maybe I invented the Cheesecake Factory, people are thinking.
And then they see how I'm dressed and they go, oh, no, he didn't invent the
Cheesecake Factory.
And I go to go to sit down in my seat and I go to set my bag down.
I was going to set it down right in front of me.
And the nice fellow sitting next to me goes, why don't you stick it in the
middle of this room?
And he moved his bag out of the way.
I'm like, all right, this guy's a solid dude or whatever.
And then all of a sudden the waitress comes by, a stewardess, whatever.
She comes by, flight attendant, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call him.
She comes up and she's, can I get you a gel and a drink?
And I was like, yeah, can I get a, let me get a water, please.
Ice or no ice?
What?
However you make it.
Stop acting like it's a fucking martini.
It's all right.
Just give me a water with ice.
Thank you.
And the guy next to me, he orders a Doer's.
Neat.
No ice.
No nothing.
Just put it in there.
So they bring our drinks.
All right.
And I'm really thirsty.
So I start sucking mine down and he just throws his back like it's nothing.
Like fucking John Wayne.
Right before he's going to turn around and beat up three guys, three mustachioed
guys in the 1930s.
Right.
So, um, I'm just sitting there and everybody's getting on the flight, you know,
and I'm looking around at the passengers, you know, fucking doing whatever I'm
doing.
And all of a sudden the guy next to me, Mr. Doer's goes to me, uh, he goes,
excuse me.
He goes, are you afraid to fly?
And I looked at him, I was like, what?
He goes, are you afraid to fly?
And I go, no, no, I'm not.
And he goes, he goes, all right.
But you know, it's, he goes, it's okay.
You know, it's okay to tell me if you're afraid to fly.
And it's immediately getting weird.
And I'm like, no, I'm not afraid to fly.
And then I'm thinking in my head, wait, is he afraid to fly?
And that's why he's drinking the way he just drank.
And now he's hoping that I'm going to be afraid to fly.
So he, you know, he just wants to open up.
That's what I'm thinking.
And I go, I'm like, yeah, no, I'm not afraid to fly.
And he won't leave it alone.
He goes, all right.
Cause you know, you're, you're, you're fidgeting.
You're looking around at other passengers.
And I'm sitting there looking at the, like, is this guy fucking serious?
And I go, no, I go, I'm not afraid to fly.
So now I'm like, fuck this guy.
I'm not talking to this guy for the rest of the flight.
This guy's weird, man.
It's like 30, just get paint the pictures.
Like 32 year old, wiry in shape, but like wiry white dude.
He's got a Scully cap on with fucking glasses.
Um, you know, and, uh, he goes, uh, like there's like a minute of silence and
people
still getting on the plane.
And then he goes, Hey, sorry about that.
Sorry.
We just, we just got off on the wrong foot.
He's like, my name's so-and-so.
He goes, what's your name?
And then I'm thinking in my head, like, what's my name?
My name's Frank.
I wanted to give him like a, by just some reason I just went, it's Bill.
And he goes, Oh, Hey Bill.
And he goes, nice to meet you.
So we shake hands and I'm just looking at, I don't have any poker face.
I'm looking at the guy like, what the fuck is your problem?
I'm not even trying to not, I'm not trying to be pleasant.
I'm already done with this guy.
So then the guy goes, Oh, Hey Bill.
He goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
Right?
Like he's fucking interrogating me.
And I, I'm like, is this guy fucking serious?
And I start doing the math in my head going, wait, is this guy like an air marshal
or something?
And I'm like, no, he's not.
He's fucking slamming booze over here.
Fuck this guy.
So I just go, I go, look, I don't, I don't have to answer your questions.
That's it.
And I just look straight forward.
He goes, okay, now I'm concerned.
Okay.
I am concerned.
And I'm looking at him like concerned about what he goes, you're fidgeting.
You're, you, you, you have issues with other passengers and blah, blah, blah,
blah.
He starts painting like, like this, like he's been, I don't know what the fuck,
like psychologically
breaking me down.
All right.
So now at this, by this point, they've closed the fucking, the door to the fuselage
and we're
starting to taxi.
And I just finally look at the guy and I, and I go, I go, you know, I came up
with the fight.
One point I literally stick my hand out because he kept saying I was nervous
and I stick my
hand right in front of his face and I hold it level.
Oh, that's what I did the first time.
Yeah.
I hold it level.
I go, I'm not nervous.
And he goes, well, anybody can do that.
And that's when I was like, fuck this guy.
I'm not talking to the guy.
Sorry.
Fuck this story up.
Then, then he, then he came back, got my name.
Now he's going, why are you going to Indianapolis?
And I finally look at him.
I say, listen, pal, I'm drinking waters.
You're drinking doers.
Okay.
There's no issue over here.
And then he goes, it wasn't doers.
What she gave me wasn't doers.
Really?
What was it?
Some sort of spy juice.
You fucking jerk off this point.
I want to punch him right through his fucking stupid, wiry glasses.
Right?
So he's going, like, you're looking around hostels.
And I said something that just ticked him off.
I was just, yeah, dude.
I go, I don't have to answer your questions.
All right?
Leave me alone.
And then he goes, he goes, he goes, he starts going like, okay, now I am really
concerned
right now.
He goes, why are you going to Indianapolis?
And I just look at him.
You know what I start doing?
I start doing like this Ryan Gosling.
You know, that little smirk, that fucking Mona Lisa smile he has as he smirks
his way
through all this fucking movies.
I do.
I go full on Ryan Gosling.
Now I'm not talking to this guy and I just keep looking at him and I give him
that little
half a smirk and I just shake my head.
That's my game now.
That's, this is my, it's like, if you're going to be a dick right now with your
fucking delusional
authority, right?
That you're going to say like we're in fucking Guantanamo and you're going to
waterboard
me, huh?
There's no water.
There's no board.
Go fuck yourself.
Here's my smirk.
And I'm just going to shake my head at you like you're a fucking pathetic human
being.
This is what I'm doing.
Right?
And this is the funny thing.
I'm such a dick.
All I have to say to the guys, I'm a comedian.
I'm going to do a sold out show there and that would make him back off.
But I'm a dick.
I'm like, fuck this guy.
I want to see where this is going.
So now he's all fucking amped up and he starts dropping F, you know, he's
saying the F word.
He's sitting there going, if you don't, he goes, if you don't fucking answer my
question
right fucking now, I am going to hit that call button.
We're sitting there taxiing down the fucking getting in the line.
I'm going to fucking hit this fucking button.
If you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm just fucking Mona Lisa smile, smirking, just shaking my head like you
are a fucking
retard.
Right?
So now he's saying the F word so much.
The lady who's sitting in front of me, diagonally in front, right in front of
him, turns around
and looks at us.
And now my heart's racing.
I'm like, where's this going?
This is going to be great.
I am a hundred percent fucking innocent.
This guy's drunk and I think he's going to hit that button.
Oh, I got a feeling he's going to hit that button.
What's going to happen?
Right?
I want to see what the pilot looks like.
Let's see where the fuck this is going.
Right?
So he goes, if you don't fuck you, he starts, he starts bringing his hand up to
the button
going, I'm going to hit that button.
You don't think I'll fucking do it.
I'll hit that button.
And I'm sitting there smirking at him thinking in my head, go ahead, hit the
fucking button.
Let's see what happens.
Let's see what happens.
Right?
So finally, now he wants to hit the button and he can't fucking find it.
And it's in, in defense of him, I couldn't find it either.
I was looking up there.
I half wanted to hit it myself.
Then he finally, he finally finds it and he hits it.
Right?
And now I'm just like, holy shit, what's going to happen?
And he's sitting there going, yeah, huh?
You want to fucking play this game?
You want to fucking play this game?
And I was surprised.
I mean, it took like fucking like 30 seconds before a flight attendant, the one
who gave
him the booze, which evidently wasn't booze, comes over.
And at this point, we're like doing that shit where we're behind a plane.
We're almost ready to take off.
Like we're pulling up and then stopping, pulling up and stopping as planes are
taking off.
So she goes, yeah, what's the problem over here?
And he goes, uh, I'm not comfortable to fly with this guy.
This guy, he's fidgeting.
He's looking around at other fucking people, blah, blah, blah, blah.
He's doing all this thing.
Right?
And then the stewardess looks at me and I'm just sitting there fucking my
little smirk,
just shaking my head.
And I just looking at this dude, just shaking my head.
Like this guy's out of his fucking mind.
I don't say a word.
And this guy goes on and on and on about his fucking psychobabble about how I'm
the security
risk.
So she goes to, so she goes, okay.
Um, any other passengers?
Have you noticed anything?
She's talking to everybody first class at this point.
Has anybody noticed anything odd about this guy?
And the lady who was sitting right in front of the dude, diagonally from me,
turns around.
She goes, yeah, I've been listening to this guy berating this other passenger.
She's on my side.
And I haven't said a fucking word.
This is great.
And I'm just sitting there smirking.
Then the stewardess looks at me and I shrugged my shoulders like, I don't know
what to tell
you.
So finally she said, sir, do you have anything to add to this?
And I just said, look, I'm just a guy trying to go to Indianapolis.
This guy over here, he starts slamming his doors.
I kind of felt like a rat when I said that.
I go, he's slamming his doors.
Next thing you know, he's dropping the F bomb to me.
Then I'm thinking, oh, fuck.
I just said bomb, right?
Fortunately, nothing happens.
So now another fucking, the male stewardess comes over right now.
He's going like, what's going on?
And the captain of the fucking, now at this point we've pulled over and the
plane has
stopped.
Two hundred fifty people trying to get to Indianapolis and jerk off over here.
Can't hold this fucking alcohol.
Who just watched a person of interest every every I guess.
Evidently, I have no fucking idea.
Now the plane is stopped.
This fucking jerk off has stopped the plane.
Interrogating a goddamn comedian like I'm in the fucking Taliban and like he
works for
the CIA, right?
So now we're just sitting.
And the captain is up front in the plane like saying to the stewardess is going
basically
relaying.
Do I really have to fucking come back there?
This is the last flight of the night.
Is there really a goddamn problem?
And that was the vibe.
And they finally said to the douche sitting next to me, are you going to be OK
to fly
with him?
And at that point it appeased his fucking ego.
That he was somehow in control a