Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Wife Left
Uploaded: 2013-04-02T13:36:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Wife Left' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Wife Left' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-02. Transcript available.

Bill, wife left.
Bill, so I got a text from my wife a couple weeks ago saying she had taken her
dog and her things left and were getting a divorce.
Wow.
She gave you a text message, you know.
That's kind of the way to do it.
In a selfish way.
You know.
Do you know I know somebody who did that?
I knew somebody who was in a fucking relationship forever.
And I guess they just didn't know how to get out of it.
So here's an option for people out there, men and women.
And sir, this has nothing to do with you.
This just reminded me of this.
So this fucking guy, his woman went on a cruise or went on some sort of wine
tasting thing or whatever.
And he, I guess, he knew that she was going on this trip.
So before she left, he already found another apartment, signed a lease and all
that type of shit.
So she leaves.
I mean, she was leaving for like two, three days.
He had another buddy of mine went over there.
They packed up all his shit and fucking moved it out to this new place.
And then, you know, he just lived in that place until the day she was coming
back.
He came back to the apartment.
She comes home and immediately sees half the shit is gone.
And he just dropped the bomb like that and said, listen, you know, we need to
talk.
I'm not fucking happy.
And when I tell you this fucking woman flipped the fuck out.
Flipped.
The fuck out.
Like, went absolutely fucking ballistic.
And I always wanted to ask her why.
What was it that made you flip out?
Would you have flipped out less?
Because she didn't even go into the surprise of what?
Oh, my God.
Crying.
Went immediately to anger.
And I think it was because he was already out.
And there wasn't going to be any sort of closure slash I can torture you and be
a total cunt to you.
Like, he sidestepped all of that and just made this clean ass fucking break.
You know, Dennis Miller, that's the news and I am out of here.
That's what I thought when he did it.
And I don't know why I always smile when I think because that's the thing.
You know, if you're going to break up with a woman, you just know.
I mean, I never had a breakup with a girl I was living with.
I can't imagine that fucking hell.
And this person, I mean, that's one way to do it.
So if you are stuck in a relationship and you don't know how to fucking bring
it up,
you just don't know how to do it, that's one way to do it.
Because when they come home and you're sitting there but all your shit isn't
there,
that's the conversation has begun.
Fuck.
Anyways, so getting back to this poor bastard.
He goes, her rationale was that she always hated me.
Oh, my God.
Forget the eight instances of cheating, three post-marriages that I,
three post-marriage that I tolerated just because is as good of a reason for
her to leave as any.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Back up here.
Wait a minute, dude.
She cheated on you eight fucking times?
Five times before you got married?
I mean, dude, what?
Come on, man.
You didn't see this coming.
All right.
I'm going to save judgment here.
He said, forget about the eight instances of cheating, three post-marriages
that I tolerated.
Then he writes in, quote, just because is as good of reason for her to leave as
any.
Here's where you pummel me.
Here's where you pummel me, but she was my mom's, but she was at my mom's bedside
with my mom and I when my mom died.
Okay.
I didn't realize, dude, you didn't write this well.
I didn't realize to her that nothing, I didn't realize to her that was nothing
but her way in.
I didn't realize that to her, I don't know, I don't know, what, that she went
to that, that that was her way into your life?
In my grief, I didn't notice she went full Andy Dufresne, just chipping away at
my sense of self so she would fuck around.
So when she would fuck around, I thought, well, no person in the world will
hang on to me, so this is better than being alone.
Fuck it.
Oh, dude, come on, man.
She and I had been together for nine years, married three.
My problem is that as a 26-year-old, birthday was yesterday, none of my friends
can relate, and my thousand-yard stare can relate.
And my thousand-yard stare at the bar just seems to be harsh.
Seems to harsh their hipster PBR buzz.
Dude, this is the most difficult fucking thing I've ever tried to read.
Dude, you're only 26 years old.
Get the fuck out of this thing.
Go to the gym.
Is that your problem?
Huh?
You got a little dough around the fucking middle?
That's it, dude.
Read up on nutrition.
Get some fucking self-esteem, man.
This is ridiculous.
This fucking cunt.
You know why she hated you?
She's probably one of the reasons she hates you is because you're not sticking
up for yourself.
This fucking...
Oh, dude.
You know what?
I'm not going to yell at you.
You've already been through the fucking ringer with this one.
I'm sorry you ran into something like this.
I'm sorry.
I don't know who the fuck your male role model was when you were growing up.
Didn't build you up more.
But they obviously didn't fucking raise you right.
And now you got to do it.
Okay?
You got to build yourself up, man.
You can't fucking...
You can't fucking have something like this going on.
You're like William H. Macy in fucking Boogie Nights.
You're going to eventually fucking shoot her in the driveway, fucking your
friends, and then go blow your own brains out.
You don't want to be that guy.
Fuck this woman.
Because I've tried to get back out there with some people I know, but when they
tell their stories from college, all I think is...
I wonder if John McCain gets this mad when people his age tell stories about
Woodstock.
All right.
Now, where do we make the leap there?
What, they're pussy stories?
And you're pissed because you missed out on that?
I'm optimistic as, for the most part, my life is much better.
My friends think I'm exaggerating because they saw us together.
And my response is that people saw Elizabeth Smart out in public, too.
And she wasn't fine either.
What the hell do I do?
The last time I was single, texting didn't exist.
I couldn't drink legally.
I've lived with my parents.
I lived with my parents.
You got the point three examples ago, but I keep typing.
I thought maybe as a comic, when you started going on the road and didn't know
people everywhere, it may have been a similar vibe.
Yeah, dude.
Like, you're starting from ground zero.
You're totally beat down.
You're 26 years old, talking about, like, you're 50.
You know?
You're fine.
All right?
Wait.
So, you were there for fucking, what did you say, eight or nine years?
Let's do the math here.
Text my wife.
Eight instances.
Oh, so you were there for nine years.
So, you got together with this girl when you were 17.
So, you were a baby.
All right.
I get it.
I get it.
And you stayed with this girl, and you never cheated on her.
She cheated on you.
And all those years of college when you should have got your game together, how
to talk to women, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, dude, that's, you can make up ground real quickly here.
You're only 26 years old.
You just got to, you just got to get yourself out there.
Now, I mean, I wouldn't suggest just going out to bars.
Look, if you want to fuck a woman, go out to a bar.
Do that.
If you want to meet somebody nice, then I would, I would be, I would definitely
look elsewhere.
Do you have any hobbies?
Do you like sports?
I would join some sort of fucking, I don't know, what the fuck is the word?
What's the word when they let guys and women play together?
You know, I'd join some shit like that.
Take a fucking cooking class.
Just something, you know, something where the good girls go to.
You know?
But, you know, if you just want to go out and get laid.
Who gives a fuck?
What you got to do is you got to get over being, getting rejected.
Just go out to a bar and just talk some shit.
You know?
Don't go out and get plastered and use that as your fucking courage.
Just go out there and just talk some shit.
You know?
And just go out there and just say, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to say
what's up to 10 different women tonight.
All right?
Or if that's too overwhelming, make it five or four.
All right?
No, no less than four.
All right?
All right?
With no, no pressure on the results.
Just go out there and just fucking strike up a conversation.
See how long you can keep it going.
And just, you know, whatever.
You're going to be nervous.
You're going to give a fuck.
But with each one, you're going to give a shit less.
And the less you give a fuck, the more relaxed you're going to be.
The funnier you're going to be, the more you're going to attract them.
It's literally when you give a fuck.
When you give a fuck, you're scaring them away.
When you care.
You know, you'll be fine.
All right?
But you've got to grow up and stop embracing this fucking, this depressive shit.
Because it's also going to make you an angry cunt.
And you're going to fucking hate women.
And you're going to push your friends away.
And you end up being alone.
All right?
Unfortunately, you fucking, you wasted nine years of your life with some cunt.
And you got fucking married.
Okay?
But it wasn't a waste.
Because now you know what you don't want.
All right?
So that's it.
But for the love of God, do not get into another goddamn relationship.
You've got to make a pact with yourself.
You're not going to go from a nine-year one, three-year marriage to fucking
jumping into something else.
You've got to stay single and figure out what the fuck you want.
You might not want to, you might want to, like, not even go out to fucking bars
for a while.
You know?
Let's go to the gym.
Hit it like a fucking madman.
You know?
And fucking figure out what you're looking for.
And then where it should be.
And then go in that direction.
Do that.
All right?
Not everybody's going to be the guy who goes out and bangs a fucking hundred
women.
Who gives a fuck?
All right?
At the end of it, if you find fucking love and you find the person you're
supposed to be with, you're what?
Okay?
So, whatever.
There's my fucking two cents.
Did I say the F word enough?
No.