Name: Bill Burr - Bill On A Bus
Uploaded: 2013-04-16T14:58:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill On A Bus' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill On A Bus' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-16. Transcript available.

How are you guys?
Can you hear that fucking engine running right now?
Do you know where your lovely host is?
I'm on a fucking bus, man!
I've been going through the south.
You know, they call it the dirty south, and I gotta tell you, I haven't seen
any filth down here.
Other than a couple of hooas.
No, seriously. It's been an absolutely beautiful trip.
And this time, old Billy Redface decided, instead of getting in a little-ass
fucking car
and driving a fucking thousand miles all over the south as I toured around,
I actually got a little bus here.
And I've been on the road with Paul, dude I called it, Verzi, and Jason Lawhead.
And we've been doing shows and drinking like the fucking Rat Pack.
I don't think I've ever drank so much in my fucking life.
If you guys ever get a chance to travel by bus, okay?
And I know you've all done it.
And I'm not talking about that Peter Pan, Greyhound shit, right?
Where you and 70 other people that you don't even fucking know get on a goddamn
bus, right?
Somebody takes a shit two feet away from you.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm not talking about sleeping upright.
The weight of your head waking you up every time they go over a fucking bump.
I'm not talking about that either.
I'm talking about getting your own bus.
Get your own fucking bus.
I'm watching Anchorman.
Drinking booze.
As somebody else drives.
It's the greatest fuck.
This is, right now, I'm going to tell you this,
and I'm going right through until Wednesday.
This is how big I'm going.
This has been the greatest fucking road trip of my life.
This is perfect.
Because you know what gets you when you're out here, people?
It's not the shows.
I don't know.
It's the travel.
That's what fucking beats you up when you're an old fuck like me.
This is going to be a very full flight.
People, please don't put your coats in the overhead compartments.
And then you see the cunts doing it, right?
We've oversold the flight.
You know, you fucking land.
They don't have your bags.
You fucking go out in the cab line.
It's fucking 90,000 people long.
Starts raining.
You put your shoulders up.
To quote my own fucking special, right?
You're standing out there with your little stupid bag.
Middle of fucking nowhere, right?
You finally get the cab.
You can't understand the guy.
He can't understand you.
You don't know if he's going the long way.
They tell it's a flat fee.
200 bucks to the hotel.
Really?
I don't think that's true.
It's on the sticker.
Read the sticker, my friend.
Right?
Deal with that shit.
Then you get to the hotel.
The fucking cab leaves.
You bring your bag up.
Hello, sir.
Welcome to fucking douche con hotel.
Do you have an ID?
Yeah.
And you give them the ID.
And then, ooh, would it be under another name?
You know, and they can't find your fucking room.
Then you finally get a fucking room.
You go to the hotel.
The fuck up to the goddamn.
We get it, Bill.
No, fuck you.
I'm taking you through all of it.
You get up there and the fucking key doesn't work.
You finally go back down.
You get a key that works.
You go back up.
It works.
You go in there.
You know?
Smells like Jack Klugman.
You're like, what the fuck's going on?
You call downstairs.
Do you have another room?
This one smells like Archie Bunker took his shit in here.
Oh, man, I'm sorry, sir.
We don't have another room.
And there's no reason to use that language.
Oh, yes, there is.
Smells like somebody who smoked cigars took his shit in here.
And fought in Korea all at the same time.
All right?
Well, see, when you get on a bus, all of that is over.
You know, you pull in.
You go to a Walmart.
You fucking stock up the fridge with food and booze.
Then you just get on the fucking thing and somebody else drives you.
You sit there with your friends watching Anchorman.
You don't drink.
You don't drink before the show.
But after, let me tell you something.
No, it seems to be great.
We just pull right up to the goddamn venue.
You know, there's a shower on the bus, right?
You're good to go.
The other guys get hotel rooms.
I haven't been off this bus in fucking eight days.
And you know what?
I love it.
I'm living in a bubble.
I don't even know what the fuck's going on in the world.
And furthermore, I don't even give a shit.
That's how much of a great mood I'm in.
We pull right up to the venue.
I get off the bus.
I walk into the venue.
I do the show.
Fucking in a great mood.
Everybody has a good time.
I then fucking walk out in front.
Whore myself out.
Show a little leg.
Sell some DVDs.
Smile and wave.
Kiss a couple of babies.
Then I fucking walk right back onto the bus.
And we leave town.
It's the fucking...
And then we start drinking.
It's the greatest fucking thing ever.
So, I gotta be honest.
I don't think this podcast is gonna be...
The podcast...
I don't think it's gonna be so too funny.
Because nothing bad happened to me.
Nothing bad happened to me this week.
You know?
Other than the fact that this fucking bus trip is gonna end.
I got three more dates.
I'm gonna be in Tampa tonight for two shows.
Then I do Florida State on Tuesday.
And then Wednesday I'm in Miami.
And then it's over.
And then you know what?
Then I have to go back to the real world.
The world where I have a dog with fucked up back feet.
And I have a woman.
You know?
You know what I've been thinking this whole goddamn week?
And Nia's gonna kill me.
But you know something?
I wish I fucking...
You know...
Could have done this like 10 years ago.
15 years ago when I was single.
Because I gotta tell you something.
There's...
There is no easier way
to bring a bunch of whores out of a club
if you tell them you got your own bus.
Oh.
God knows they love shiny shit.
You have...
You have your own thing?
What?
Can I see it?
Unfortunately you can't, sweetheart.