Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Addicted To Whores
Uploaded: 2013-04-23T17:49:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Addicted To Whores' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Addicted To Whores' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-23. Transcript available.

Okay, addicted to whores.
Hey, Bill, love the podcast. I could use a bit of advice.
I'm a 30-year-old man and have a bit of a problem.
Over the past few years, I've become addicted to whores.
Not just typical bar sluts, but full-blown professionals.
Oh, jeez, jeez.
It's gotten so bad that I research the girls that I see,
and the majority of my time consists of going through message boards
and underground communities filled with other pervs like myself
who review working girls.
All right, dude, you're going down a dark fucking hole
I fortunately never went down.
I'm already in over my head here.
But, you know, whatever.
You wrote in, so I'm going to fucking try and answer it
knowing full well that I am not a professional, sir.
He says, my problem is that I have become so addicted to this lifestyle
that I cannot see myself having a traditional relationship with the woman.
Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely.
You open Pandora's box.
You know?
Dude, you have a woman who will do whatever you want,
and you don't have to be emotionally there for her.
You don't have to wipe your feet off.
You can just, you know, talk to her wherever you want,
give her some money, and then she leaves.
You don't even have to cuddle.
You have zero emotional responsibility.
You know?
That's like somebody rich who's been fucking flying around in their own jet,
and then all of a sudden, you know, their shit goes down
like in that Queen of Versailles,
and all of a sudden they have to get on a commercial flight,
and their kids are looking around going,
why are all these people on a plane?
You're in the same place.
Your dick is like a billionaire.
You know?
And if you get into a fucking relationship at this point,
that's like the 2008 collapse.
You know?
Does that make any sense?
All right.
After experiencing this lifestyle for so long,
I just cannot force myself to sit at a bar
trying to convince some chick whose best years are behind her
to give me a half-hearted BJ.
I consider myself a decent-looking guy.
I think you consider yourself a lot more than that, sir.
I think you stand in front of the mirror with your hands on your sides
like Superman.
Not hands on your hips.
Hands on your hips, that's effeminate.
But if you stand there with your two fists like that,
then all of a sudden you look like you should have a cape
flapping behind you.
I think you do that.
You stand there and you're naked.
You know?
With like the same distance between your feet
that a state trooper has when he comes up going,
do you know how fast you were going?
And then you look to the side with your dick flapping in the wing
because of the oscillating fan.
And then you'd every morning just go,
I am the shit!
Um, that's how I think you feel about yourself.
That I would just guess.
Um, anyways.
I think I'm a decent-looking guy
and I do get attention from the women.
But I often find that they are not worth the effort
because I get bored so quickly.
Yeah, I know.
Actually having to converse
rather than just being like,
hey, how much for you to suck my dick?
Oh, yeah?
I'll give you half that.
Come on, work with me.
I'll meet you in the middle.
I'll give you an extra five
because it's cold out.
All right, get in the car.
Um, my problem is that I get bored with women immediately
after I sleep with them.
I do not fear diseases
as I always use condoms.
Dude, that's not 100%, by the way.
I don't know why, but it is.
I don't know how you can have a raincoat on your dick
and still get herpes.
I think because your balls are fucking hanging out
of the back of the chopper.
You know?
And safety.
I always use condoms and safety.
And safety wise.
I love when you guys like rewrite your fucking emails
and then you delete half a sentence
and then you fucking don't notice
and then you put it in here
and you make me look even dumber than I am.
Anyways, I guess he uses condoms.
He said it would be just as dangerous
sleeping with a random bar slut
who doesn't force their partners to use condoms.
No, it wouldn't, sir.
No, it wouldn't because it's a numbers thing.
All right?
Some bar slut who doesn't use condoms
versus some woman who fucks professionally.
Okay?
That's like you throwing the football around
in the backyard saying you're just like Tom Brady.
Okay?
It's not the same thing.
But I know you're saying that
to make yourself feel better.
He said,
I fear never being able to have a normal relationship
with a woman down the road.
I feel like my internal wiring got crossed somewhere
and I need a wide variety of women to keep me sane.
I really want to fuck every woman I see,
but unfortunately I cannot swing a golf club,
so I got to pay for it.
Any way out of this.
Love the podcast.
Yeah, you need to go to therapy.
I got to tell you, though,
once you, I don't know,
you need to go seek professional help, sir.
I would say that
because you've gone down a road for so long
and you keep coming around the track the same way.
You've worn this groove in
and it's very hard to get out of
and you have to sit down
and want to do the work
and you have to work with professional
and figure out if you have a sex addiction
or whatever.
Dr. Drew.
You know, if you can't afford it,
I would call Dr. Drew,
but even then,
he's only going to talk to you for a minute.
Have him guide you in the right direction, though,
because that guy is,
he kind of gets right to it.
I've done his show a couple of times.
He's fucking unreal.
So that would be my suggestion.
I would say,
first and foremost,
stop fucking prostitutes
because you are going to catch something.
And not only that,
everyone that you bang
or have blow you or whatever,
it's just another step
further down a direction
you don't want to go.
And then also,
it's a terrible thing to do.
You know,
to solicit a prostitute.
You're basically,
you know,
something horrible happened to her
and then you're taking advantage of it.
It's fucking horrific.
So there you go.
I hope I helped you out.
I know I gave you a lot of shit throughout that,
but I hope I helped you out
because that is a serious problem.
Okay.