Name: Bill Burr - Bankers
Uploaded: 2013-04-23T18:30:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bankers' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bankers' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-23. Transcript available.

Dude, if I was a banker and I was a piece of shit banker, I would be so fucking
paranoid that someone was going to whack me for all the misery and suffering
that I fucking, you know, that I've been causing.
The fact that I turn a fucking pond into my own jacuzzi, right?
I can park my yacht in my fucking jacuzzi.
And I just sit there, you know, eating fucking crab legs and caviar every
fucking day, standing on fucking dead babies' heads.
There's no fucking way I would ever get in a fucking town car.
There's no way.
There's no way.
I would have whoever my Fredo, my litter of kids, whoever the Fredo was, that
was to be the guy that I had driving the car.
Although in The Godfather, he was looking out for Marlon Brando and then he got
shot, right?
So I don't fucking know.
Anyways.
Oh, you know, I read some actually some really interesting shit about how
Iceland beat the bankers.
When Iceland went bankrupt and then the bankers tried to pull this shit where,
yeah, we were greedy cunts and now we're putting the debt on you and your
taxpayers.
They said, you know what?
Fuck you.
This isn't our debt.
This isn't our mess.
It's yours.
And then all these fucking sellout cunts like fucking Amsterdam and Britain put
all this pressure.
On fucking Iceland.
Because they pussied out with the bankers.
They've been on their knees sucking that banker cock for fucking ever.
They tried to fucking get them to come along.
They tried to pressure them and I, you know, or else we'll turn you into the
Cuba of the north.
And they said, fuck you.
We're not doing it.
And you know what?
That's what this country should have done.
This country should have told those banker fucking cunts.
I just, I'm beside myself that it isn't brought up more.
You know, it's the whole thing.
Like I have water damage to my house.
My insurance company sends a check that's made out to me, Nia, and then my
mortgage company.
And I have to, we have to sign the check over to them so they keep the money.
And you know why that is?
Because they fucked so many people so fucking hard in the ass.
So many people are upside down in houses because of the bullshit that they
created by making people who aren't qualified for loans qualified.
So instead of having five people bid on a house, you got 10 people bidding on
it.
And it goes up like Super Bowl tickets, right?
And all of a sudden a house that's really worth a buck 80 sells for 270.
So you got these cunts.
Everybody's fucking upside down in the house.
They're like, well, fuck it.
I'm keeping this money.
And then when they foreclose on it, they fucking come in and they're like, fuck,
they never fixed the roof.
So now I have to sign over my goddamn money.
It's my money.
It's my insurance.
That's my insurance money.
I have to send it into them.
You know why?
Because people, it's not my house.
It's their fucking house.
It's theirs.
All right?
And if I ever pay this fucker off, which you know I'm gonna, I drive off.
I drive a six-year-old hybrid.
All right?
I don't give a fuck.
I fucking, I dress like Malcolm Young because I'm getting these cunts out of my
life.
And this is what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna pay off this fucking house.
And do you think when I die, I can, I can just give it to somebody else?
It's my house, right?
If I can fucking give away all my other shit, why can't I give the house?
The house is gonna have all taxes and all these penalties and all this bullshit.
And whoever I fucking leave it to is gonna be like, you know what?
It's just gonna be easier to sell it.
And then they sell it.
And whatever money they make, they get the shit taxed out of them.
They get half a dick in their ass.
And then somebody else buys this thing.
And then the bank goes balls deep in them for another fucking 30 years.
You know what?
Halfway through that, I realized, am I sounding crazy or am I making sense?
I don't know.
I talked to a banker in a titty bar.
He agreed with everything I said.
I've been watching a bunch of shit on Netflix.
I'm big on the, I like documentaries.
You know?
And I watched one and a half last night before I fell asleep.
I watched this thing called The Queen of Versailles, which you have to, you
have to see.
And it's basically about this guy, 75 years old.
75 years old.
He married Miss Florida in 1993.
So he's fucking balling.
Has seven kids with her.
Right?
And he's got this, he sells timeshares.
You know?
Which, you know, is really a shady fucking business.
You know?
Hey, I mean, I don't, I don't know.
What is a fucking timeshare?
It's a fucking overpriced hotel room, isn't it?
I mean, I don't know.
What am I buying?
If I spend all that money, I don't want to be laying in a bed that somebody
else has been fucking in.
I want a brand new bed.
Okay?
That's, that's deal number one.
Because other than that, I can go lay in a bed that everybody else fucked in
all year long.
It's called a hotel.
Right?
But this guy had basically had, was the biggest timeshare company in the world,
according to him.
And, uh, and he was in the middle of building the biggest house in America.
And it had ten kitchens.
There's fucking nine people in their family.
They have one more kitchen than they have people in their family.
All right?
You have to watch just to see them.
I mean, it's not finished yet because in 2008 they got caught up in all the
banker shit.
And, um, but you just have to see when his wife walks in with their friend and
when they walk up these stairs, I'm telling you, these fucking stairs are, are
wider than the stairs at Grand Central Station in New York City.
They go upstairs and the fucking friend of the Miss, Miss 1993, Florida goes,
is like, you know, cause they haven't like put the walls up.
It's just the, uh, the framing of it.
She goes, oh my God.
She goes, is that your bedroom?
And she goes, no, it's my closet.
It's, but if you really want to see, okay.
Now, a lot of people will watch the Queen of Versailles and go, look at these
two selfish fucking people and all the waste and all that.
Apps are fucking loofy, loofy.
That's on the fucking surface.
But underneath all of it, you, you see a guy who doesn't want to declare
bankruptcy.
And put that money on the American people and wants to fight his way out of it.
And the bankers won't do it.
Like he had a building out in fucking Vegas.
He, he put 350 million of his own fucking money in, and now he can't make the
payments.
So he wants the bankers to try and, you know, give him some of the bailout
money.
And they kept all of it because this is the thing.
If he fucking, if they get him to default on that, they get to keep his 350
million and sell the fucking building all over again.
You know, and obviously this guy, he got overextended.
He made the mistake of not realizing, you know, what bankers are and what it is
that they do.
They're not your friends.
They're not trying to help you grow your fucking business.
They're trying to make every fucking dime off you as they can.
And when it's over, you bust the joint out.
I just started thinking about the fucking, uh, Goodfellas.
Well, they start burning it down, but rather than burning the place down, they
fucking did you.
The Ray Liotta and fucking Joe Pesci are fucking tying those little candle
things to you.
Trying to bang this fucking juke rod over here.
You can't help me out.
What's the world coming to?
Um, and then you, you burn to the ground and that's it.
But the building's still standing and then they get some other group to go in
there and then they fuck them in the ass.
I'm telling you.
We should all as civilians, you remember the ending of Scarface when they were
coming over the wall?
That's what we should be doing right now in gated communities, going to bankers
fucking houses.
We should be dragging them, dragging them out by the tassels of their fucking
wingtips.
New house.
Dearest Billy boy.
Keeping it short and sweet due to your undying hatred for reading out loud.
I actually don't mind it.
I just, I hate sounding stupid.
Uh, my fiance and I are moving into our first house on Friday.
Any last minute advice?
Yes.
Um, well, it's too late.
You already bought a fucking house.
My first thing would be drive less of a car, wear less clothes, everything less
and start knocking out the principal.
All right.
You got to start knocking that fucking thing down.
Um, and when they, then once you knock it down to a certain point, then they're
going to come at you and be like, Hey, do you want to refinance?
You want to refinance?
Look, your mortgage payment will go from 1500 down to 1200.
That'll save you 300 bucks a month.
That's all a fucking scam.
Okay.
Do you really think there's somebody who works at the bank and his job and he's
sitting there going, how can this bank make less money?
Oh, I know what?
I mean, how long would that guy work there before he got fired?
It's a scam.
Cause what happens is if you're like four or five years into your mortgage,
they're going to refinance it.
And your payment doesn't go down 300 bucks and you're still five years in, it
starts back at zero.
All right.
Now you have that payment for 30 years and you're starting all fucking over
again.
So the 300 bucks that you're saving each month, they're making more in the
fucking interest in the long run because they sent you back to square one.
It's all the fucking scam.
I'm telling you, go to the gated communities and go over the fucking wall.
Um, don't really do that.
All right.
I don't want to be held responsible for that.
Um, these are all jokes.
Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Um.