Name: Bill Burr - Email: Getting Cockblocked By Jesus
Uploaded: 2013-04-30T00:38:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Email: Getting Cockblocked By Jesus' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Email: Getting Cockblocked By Jesus' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-30. Transcript available.

This lovely email right here called getting cockblocked by Jesus, you know,
that would be hard if he came walking in, performing miracles, full head of
hair, Chris Christopherson beard, you know, he's got that robe, all the chicks.
Oh, my God, do you have anything underneath it? Hey, Bill, love the podcast. I
really like to hear your thoughts on this experience. I'm going through with a
lady.
All right. At the end of last summer, I met a girl and we hit it off
immediately. She's one of those girls. Oh, wait, I forgot to I forgot to
mention that I'm going to do a neolog this week, a neolog.
And a lot of people are asking, why is she not doing her podcast? And it's
because our house is gutted right now and she's being an absolute trooper and
she's handling most of the bullshit as I'm out on the road.
OK, but she's going to come on and do a neolog this week. And one of the topics
is going to be the first openly gay athlete.
All right. I'm going to I'm actually going to ask her that question about the
shower shower, love every now and then I get a little bit something and a
something and a something at the end of last summer.
Back to this guy, cock block by Jesus. I met a girl and we hit it off
immediately.
She's one of those girls who's not only gorgeous and sexy, but she's really
cool, too.
Oh, top shelf. We've got a lot in common and I'm totally into her.
I've seen her regularly since then. And she stayed with me a few nights.
We've had absolutely we've had absolutely mind blowing sex during those nights.
Oh, Jesus, dude, you're going to fall hard for this one. I'm already in love
with her.
I don't even know her. But most importantly, we have fun together and we
connect on a personal level.
So I decided to take it to the next level and see if she'd be into dating on a
wreck on the regular since we've been hitting it off so well.
That's when it gets interesting. She says she is a Christian.
I, on the other hand, am definitely not a Christian, although I've studied
religious writings for many years.
I don't consider myself to be a religious person.
But since I'm not a Christian, she's really reluctant to date.
But she'll fuck your brains out.
Dude, I don't know, man. I think you might just have to enjoy this one.
You know, it's like renting a car you can't afford.
Go out and take it on the highway, man.
Have a good time with it and bring it back by Thursday.
But whatever. I'll keep reading here.
The Bible says Christians should only date other Christians.
The Bible says a lot of things that don't make sense in society now.
My mother is a Catholic and my father is as non-religious as I am.
But they've been happily married for almost 30 years.
It irritates the hell out of me that since I don't love Jesus, that she thinks
I'm an unsuitable partner.
I don't need to love Jesus to know how to be a good gentleman.
I treat her with respect.
And I'm a good partner and a friend.
What do you think, Bill?
Literally, everything else about this girl and how we get along is stellar.
It's a fucking shame to let that go.
Thanks, Bill, and go fuck yourself.
Well, here's the deal.
I would present your argument.
And if she still has a fucking problem with it and she just won't do it,
then you know what you got to do?
You got to walk away until your heart gets crushed by this girl.
Or even worse, you talk her into something by just wearing her down into
something she doesn't want to do.
And then you're six years into your fucking marriage having twins like that
other poor bastard.
And you have to have that other problem.
That big fucking conversation.
Okay?
She's getting older.
So, you know, she's going to have a couple of kids.
She's not going to be rocking your fucking world.
You know what I mean?
You got a beer belly, so all the looks and all the hot sex is out the window.
And now you're just fucking with this person.
All right?
That you don't line up with religiously.
So, that is a big one.
That is a big one.
So, that's what I would do.
I would sit down and I would present my argument to her.
Just lay it out there.
Just say, listen, I really like you.
Beyond a physical thing.
I like you.
You know?
And I'd bring up the thing you said about your parents and they still get along.
And then just say, but look, I don't want to get emotionally involved with you
if you can't look past the fact that I don't believe in the bearded baby.
That's how I'd leave it.
And then you know what?
If she has a fucking problem with that, then you walk.
You walk.
All right?
Or what you do is just hook up with her once every fucking 10 days.
10 to 15 days you hook up with her.
You fuck her brains out.
You have a great time.
And then, you know, you walk away.
You know?
So, you don't get drawn in.
Like, I don't know.
Being with somebody else, it's like, the more you see them, it's like fucking
eating Doritos.
You know?
If you just take a few and you put them on a plate and then you leave the bag
in the cupboard and you're watching a game, you know, you're not going to get
up and go grab the bag.
All right?
But if you fucking got the bag there, you're going to consume the whole goddamn
thing.
And that's what the fuck you're going to do with this girl if you keep hanging
out with her.
All right?
You're going to consume the whole fucking thing.
You're going to be totally invested with your heart.
And then she's going to walk away because you don't want to get fucking dirty
fire ash put on your forehead every fucking February.
Then you're going to be crying in the fetal position.
And you have to spend fucking goddamn year or two of your life trying to cry
this bitch out of your heart.
You know what I mean?
Sit down and have this conversation with her.
There you go.
All right.