Name: Bill Burr - Lakers MVP
Uploaded: 2013-04-30T00:45:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Lakers MVP' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Lakers MVP' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-04-30. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from
Monday, April 29th, 2013.
How are you? How are you doing? I am in a fucking phenomenal mood.
Absolutely. I'm in a great goddamn mood. You know why?
You know why? Because I'm not even mad right now that my cell phone is ringing
this fucking early in the podcast.
I'm not. I'm not. You know what's funny? That cell phone just made me
completely lose my train of thought.
That's how simplistic my brain is. It goes in a straight line. One fucking
thing knocks it off track, and I just, I forget where I was going.
Why am I in a great mood? Oh, I know why. Because the Celtics showed that they
have fucking heart, and the Lakers lost, got swept, disgraced.
I was humiliated, and I loved every goddamn second of it. You know, and you
know why? I am, okay, I'm back on track.
I feel fucking vindicated after all these Laker fans, you know, were tweeting
me, Facebooking me, MySpace-ing me, friend-stirring me, saying that I'm just a
hater.
You know, which is the classic thing that somebody says when they can't refute
any points that you made.
They go, oh, you're just a hater.
When I told them that the guy that they constantly sit there and call and chant
MVP at is a fucking cancer on that team.
It's a fucking cancer, and they just can't see it because, I'm not saying all
of them, but just because they,
that everybody plays these fantasy fucking football, baseball bullshit, all
they look at is stats.
All right?
Let me tell you something, Laker fans.
When you're not eating your pot cookies and body fucking boogie boarding or
whatever the fuck it is you guys do,
you know, when you're not laying back at the chair at the fucking dental office
getting Botox in your fucking head,
even though you're only 19 years old,
why don't you just put yourself in the position of the other players on the Lakers?
All right?
Don't you wake the fuck up.
Get out of the sun.
Stop frying up your goddamn brain.
Just use a little bit of common sense.
Listen, I know after the games when Kobe walks off with 10 seconds left during
a loss because he got his 37 points,
you know, that afterwards when they asked the other Lakers in front of the
camera,
and they'd go, oh, you know, how did you feel about that?
And then they'd just go, well, you know, Kobe, he's a competitor.
You know, he's one of the best that ever played the game.
And, I mean, he wants to win.
I mean, we all do.
And that didn't happen tonight, unfortunately.
And all we know what to do is to just keep, I can fucking do it.
Just keep working hard.
And did you have any sort of, did it annoy you at all that you walked off court?
No, no, it didn't bother me.
You know, every guy has a different personality.
I mean, you could just fucking gracefully navigate that minefield and just say
all that bullshit.
I would fucking give a million dollars if I had it to listen to the other Lakers
on the team,
their cell phone conversations when they leave the Staples Center.
Talking to their fucking broads, you know, going all Paul McCartney and John Lennon.
Fucking sick of them.
You know, they're coming out of there and they're fucking Range Rovers and they're
fucking $100,000 Mercedes just driving out going,
can you fucking believe that motherfuckers won?
They can fucking, you know, I'm wide open.
I'm wide open.
Kobe, right here, right here.
Yo!
Fucking guy takes a turnaround jumper with three guys hanging off on 10 feet
behind the arc.
I don't care that it went in!
I'm telling you right now.
Dude, what the fuck would you do, okay, if you were at some 4-H club and you're
supposed to build a tree fort, you know?
And you're holding up the board and you're supposed to hammer in both sides and
one cunt just hammers in his side and then just fucking walks away and the
whole thing collapses out of the tree.
And he just walks away and everybody else at camp is laughing at you during the
loss.
And he's fucking already back eating a popsicle stick in the fucking log cabin.
How would you feel?
What would you be saying?
You know?
I'll tell you, if it was televised around the fucking world to all the 4-Hs and
your goal was to continue being in 4-Hs, you'd do exactly what the other
fucking Laker people do.
You'd just sit there going like, well, you know, he loves building tree forts
and it's really in his heart.
And when things don't go well, he gets upset.
And, you know, all we know how to do is just to get out there tomorrow.
Actually, your voice would be way higher.
Actually, all we know is to go out there tomorrow and try to build another tree
for it.
I love it.
So the guy, he gets injured.
All right?
Now you can actually sit down and maybe watch the Lakers.
You maybe get to watch Steve Nash do what the fuck he does, distribute the
goddamn ball rather than pass it to Kobe and then sit there, you know.
I don't know what.
What do you do with that after you pass it to Kobe?
I mean, you might as well just fucking sit down, you know, take a little cat
nap or whatever.
I was actually looking forward to that shit.
And what happens?
What is the cancer?
MVP.
What does this guy do?
He starts tweeting during the game, criticizing the fucking coach.
Laker fans, you can't read through the lines when his coach said he's a fan now.
That's what fans do.
And then Kobe, like, laughs it off.
That, right, read between the lines.
He's saying this guy's one of the biggest cunts I've ever had to coach in my
life.
Even when he's not on the court, he's still fucking up the chemistry of the
team.
All right?
Did Bill Russell ever tweet during his Celtic career?
All right.
You get the point.
Kobe is not the fucking MVP.
All right?
Kobe is, if fantasy football, fantasy basketball, that's the fucking guy you on
your goddamn team.
He's not even in the game, and he's still affecting.
He's got to sit there and tweet and criticize his own goddamn coach.
Oh, my God.
That guy earns the K.
You know?
In content.