Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Oh Jesus, Transexual
Uploaded: 2013-05-13T23:12:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Oh Jesus, Transexual' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Oh Jesus, Transexual' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-13. Transcript available.

All right, this one's titled, oh, jeez, jeez.
Dear Billy Goat Fuckface.
There's a new one.
There's a new one.
I am a 23-year-old man from Paducah, Kentucky.
Now, why would you tell me that?
I didn't want to read that.
There's probably 18 people in your town, right?
Needless to say, there isn't much to do.
About five months ago, I met a girl who's two years younger than me
and moved into town from fucking East Congamonga.
We hit it off almost instantly.
It was great.
You know what?
I'm going to have somebody bleep out this city.
All right?
I got to have them bleep out the city and the state.
He goes, we hit it off almost instantly.
It was great.
She is beautiful, educated, and has a great ass.
Sorry.
A little Al Pacino for you.
We took things slow,
and I found that to be something unique in today's time.
Most girls give it up within a day or two,
but she wanted to take things slow,
and I appreciated that.
I found myself falling head over heels for this girl.
I hadn't been with anyone in over two years,
and I felt that if she was...
Wait.
And I felt as if she was a sign that maybe there was a bit of hope in this
world to be happy.
And she communicated with me that she felt the same way.
Okay.
So, about two weeks ago, we went out to a bar,
and we had some drinks, played some pool, and had a great time,
and ended up getting a little frisky with each other.
I drove her home totally expecting that tonight would be the night I was going
to bang this beautiful woman.
When we reached her driveway, we started making out in the car
and asked if she wanted to come in.
She got real quiet and said under her breath,
Yes, but...
And of course, I said,
But what?
And that's when she told me
she is a transsexual.
I literally yelled.
I was so shocked by what I heard,
I could hardly keep myself together,
and I told her, him, whatever,
that I wasn't going to go upstairs with her,
and I would call her tomorrow.
And she got out of the car crying and said,
I was born this way,
like some Lady Gaga shit.
Wait a minute.
Trans...
What is...
What is...
What is transsexual?
Like a hermaphrodite?
Wait a second.
Ah, Jesus, Bill.
You're too fucking dumb.
Why do you guys...
Why do you guys write me?
Is this...
Is this the fun...
Is this the fun part of it?
Just finding out how fucking dumb I am?
Transsexual.
This is hilarious.
Now I have this on my search engine.
Transsexual.
And Nia will use my computer
and look up like transcontinental
and transsexual is going to come up.
Bill, is there something we need to talk about?
Um, transsexual.
Here we go.
A person who's undergone a sex change operation.
A person whose sexual identification
is entirely with the opposite sex.
All right.
Well, that just made me even more confused.
So if you had an operation,
how were you born this way?
Or she's...
Or the person's saying,
I just identified with being a female.
Oh, I see.
So they had a...
So the dude had a sex change operation.
Okay.
He goes,
I haven't spoke to her
since.
It's S-I-N-C-E,
not S-E-N-C-E,
S-E.
That night,
besides a few text messages.
She's going on about how much she loves me
and she is sorry she didn't tell me sooner.
It's even gone as far as me having to turn off my phone
because she won't stop calling.
I've never been pursued like this before.
What do I do?
Part of me actually feels bad,
but I can't see myself banging an ass every night
while my sweaty balls slap against her sweaty balls.
Now, wait a minute.
I thought the person had the operation.
Don't they remove that?
You know, I don't fucking know.
Regardless of how gay this may sound,
I still think she's incredibly hot.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Should I tell her
that I'm just not interested anymore
and completely cut her off
or should I be her friend?
Or should I go bang her ass?
It's weird.
The thought of banging her ass excites me,
but the thought of her junk swinging around
makes me want to throw up
just thinking about it.
Thanks, Bill,
and come do a show in such and such state
sometime, you fuck.
What should you do?
I don't know.
I honestly don't know.
What's funny is
you're literally
just like,
you're mentally where she is sexually.
You know?
I don't know.
Like,
you gotta,
you gotta,
it's like you're standing on the state line
and you got a foot in either state.
Just like her.
You know?
So,
I think your,
your emotions
are normal.
And I hate when fucking people
get offended by this shit
and they go,
that,
that fucking,
you know,
they get all offended
like that dude
is now a woman.
It's like,
no,
that is a dude
that fucking,
uh,
is a different kind of dude now.
You know,
it's,
that's not a woman.
It's still a dude.
It's just a different kind of dude.
You know what it's like?
You ever see when somebody does,
uh,
buys an old car
and they take all the chrome off it?
They want that nice clean look.
Yeah,
that's what they do to their,
their,
their,
their,
their crotch.
You know?
That's a dude
that took the chrome off.
You know?
I don't know what to tell you.
Other than,
uh,
I,
I don't,
I don't know.
Do,
do like,
that fucking,
I don't know.
Do,
do whatever the fuck you want to do
is what I would say.
Let me go back
and read what you said.
Should I tell I'm not just anymore?
Completely cut her off.
All right.
Part of me actually feels bad
because I can see myself,
because I can't see myself
banging an ass every night
while my sweaty balls slap
against her sweaty balls.
Well,
if it makes you feel better,
I don't think the balls
are there anymore.
Although,
they might have kept them
like a hood ornament.
I have no idea.
Oh,
Jesus.
I really am a moron.
regardless of how gay this may sound,
regardless of how gay this may sound,
I still think she's incredibly hot.
You know,
why don't you just split the difference
and get a blowjob?
I don't know what to tell you.
That's so funny.
I knew it was too good
to be true,
this poor bastard.
I would say this.
I'd say you'd want to sit
on that decision.
Don't be like the Baltimore Colts
in the 1983 draft.
Did you guys just watch that 30 for 30
where they immediately walked up
two seconds in
and they selected John Elway?
You know,
rather than fucking waiting
the full two minutes
or whatever
to see if anybody gave him an offer.
And then they ended up with nothing.
I'd sit on this one for a minute.
And I think that this person
is actually pursuing you
the way that they are
because they're in a desperate situation.
Which is,
the whole thing is,
in reality,
the whole thing is unfortunate.
You know,
people should be able
to be who they are.
You should be able
to like who you like
and that person should be able
to from day one
say that they're transsexual
without getting judged.
The reason why they didn't say it
was because they were worried
about this fucking moment here.
Which, once again,
is another sad,
depressing thing
about humanity.
I would say
follow your heart, sir.
You know?
And not your balls
if you really want to find love.
There you go.
Balls in your court.
No pun intended.
No pun intended.