Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Helping An Ugly Friend
Uploaded: 2013-05-20T17:22:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Helping An Ugly Friend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Helping An Ugly Friend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-20. Transcript available.

all right here we go helping an ugly friend do you have an ugly friend sure we
all do here we go
dear billiam burr um thanks for doing the podcast thank you um one of my good
friends is ugly
i'll say it outright god bless his heart he's 26 short disproportionate face i
don't know what
that means uh skinny with a gut slowly forming oh god receding hairline jesus
and worst of all
he doesn't take care of his teeth yeah wow jesus fucking christ all i thought
of there was clint
howard um over the past couple years he's gotten more and more bitter about
life i believe it's due
to his insecurity about his looks and attracting women he has a great degree
really well-paying job
good sense of humor and can talk to the ladies however he lacks the killer
instinct needed to
close the deal meaning he gets friend zoned with every girl that is possibly
interested
which is very few well you're kind of talking out of both sides of your mouth
you're saying he's great
with the women but he just can't close the deal why there are only a few women
interested in him
what are you gonna say see the first paragraph where you decide to fuck you
basically described a troll
myself and close friends have been subtly pushing him to work out clean his
teeth eat healthy healthy etc but
he gets very offended whenever we suggest anything he seems to be set on a path
of thinking he is going
to have to wait until his 40s before women will be desperate enough to ignore
his looks and date him
for his successful career uh this type of attitude is starting to affect his
friendships he's getting
bitter and defensive bitter defensive and confrontational nobody likes an angry
troll they really don't okay if
you're going to go the troll route you know you got you got to be at the very
least affable
you know working your way towards jolly i would think maybe you can put on a
silly hat build some toys
i don't know um as his friend how can i help him get off this path and boost
his confidence to get
that killer instinct and confidence that the ladies love even if you're if even
if you're ugly thanks for
the advice and go fuck yourself uh p.s shout out to the beautiful city of boston
i was there last year
for a hockey tournament and can't wait to go back pss fuck your bruins i've
lost two years of my life
due to the stress of the the maple leaf series oh jesus guy must have sent that
before it was over
um all right so what do you say to this guy
ah wow well i don't know him but at some point you're just gonna have to
fucking lay it on the line
and say it to him and say like look you know something
you're just like me all right you want to have fun you want to go sow your oats
as they say
and then you want to find love and get married and start a family correct
you know you got to brush your fucking teeth
i don't know how to how do you go into it slowly like this is no matter how you
come at it when
somebody's defensive there's there's no way to come at them without burning up
in the atmosphere
of their fucking bitterness during re-entry how do you do it i would wait to
the next time he says
something bitter and or defensive or something like that and just look at him
and be like listen dude
you're your own worst enemy all right life is a horse race and you're shooting
yours in the back
of the head before the fucking gate even opens then you're walking around the
track with mud on your
shoes you know wondering why i don't know why you're fucking some other horse
racing thing that i don't
know shit about i picked the wrong metaphor you know what i mean just wait till
he's being a cunt
i remember one time i i knew this guy he was just negative as fucking hell and
you'd say hey
you know something if you keep doing this maybe this will happen and then he
always be like yeah
you know with my luck the fucking piano fall on my head and i got sick of it
and then finally i'd be
like yeah you know well you know if you think that way that's probably going to
happen and i only
said it one time and he never talked that way again he's still negative but i
didn't have to deal with
that shit i don't know what to do with this guy like um you might you might
have to fucking channel
patrice o'neill god rest his soul patrice o'neill would have sat this dude down
and would have said
n-word what the fuck are you doing look at yourself you know you got a fucked
up face
you're losing your goddamn hair at the very least brush your fucking teeth
get some fucking better clothes what's wrong i can't do i can't do what he
would have done
he would have been able to do it he would have hurt the guy's feelings so bad
while helping him
to become a better person at the same time you might you're gonna have to come
up with your own
fucking version of that you know
i i i don't i don't know what what do you do when somebody just stops brushing
their teeth
you're just tapping out on humanity
and you're saying he's smart he has a degree
he's not one of those is there anything worse than somebody really smart with
bad fucking hygiene
you know those people they're so fucking smart they you know but they show up
they got like sleep in
their eye
oh god
dude bad teeth is a goddamn deal breaker
you know
jesus fucking christ
you know what's funny i'm disgusted with this guy
don't you don't get any you don't get any fighting you you're just gonna quit
you fucking asshole i was born with orange hair did i quit i got great teeth
did i ever stop brushing no i didn't
i got second and third degree burns when i went out in the sun
you know
did i start flossing i didn't
quit fucking moping around you ugly motherfucker
you get yourself some scope
and listerine
and a fucking scrub brush
you go to a goddamn dentist you get your fucking teeth clean
all right when you hit on a woman you stay on it
you keep those plates spinning
always have a condom always be ready
what time is it right do something like that i don't know what the fuck to tell
you
that fucking there's nothing that annoys me more than
watching somebody just quit
tell him that tell him stop being such a fucking baby
it's fucking eight-year-old sewing together his
goddamn shirts
it's probably toddlers making the toothbrushes that he's not even using oh poor
fucking baby
you know you don't look like john davidson who gives a fuck
brush your teeth shave your fucking head down
all right go to the gym give yourself a fighting chance
stop treating yourself like you're the pirates
you know
running yourself like the fucking pirates do what did i do to this goddamn
thing
all right sorry man i just i there's just something really fucking gets me
about people who do that shit who just fucking quit
it's nothing worse than that
unless you really just truly suck at something like you know like you guys hear
i sing i'm terrible
but it's funny because it's the podcast but if i was actually trying to sing
professionally that's one thing you really should quit
and fucking do something else just just for your fellow man you know
but you're just just a just a quit you're just gonna quit
i'm legitimately disgusted with that person i never met before i don't know
what to tell you
what an asshole
fuck and he gets bitter you know what that reminds me of some reason there was
fun one time i was doing a show
and there was somebody in the front row that was mentally challenged so there's
no way i'm fucking with this guy
and then i get on stage and the kid's a cunt he starts fucking heckling me
you know and every time i don't say anything back he gets a little more fucking
confident
and then finally i was just like you know what i can't even what the fuck i
said to him
the crowd pulled back and i'm like you know what fuck this guy
fuck this guy
they're just like everybody else
okay some of them are cunts and this is a great example
so fuck you buddy
i kind of kept it at that it was really a fight
oh man that guy fucking annoyed me
i was doing some hell gig the first time i lived out here in la i'm standing in
some fucking mexican restaurant
i'm getting fucking heckled by this kid
all right
i don't even know what i'm doing living in la i'm going through that fucking
bullshit
but you know what i didn't quit
i brushed my teeth before that fucking show
dude when you when you just don't brush your teeth you just tapped out
you're just saying fuck it