Name: Bill Burr - Public Swimming Pools
Uploaded: 2013-05-20T17:40:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Public Swimming Pools' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Public Swimming Pools' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-05-20. Transcript available.

I had a great time in Vegas other than when I went down to the pool
because I go down to the pool I'm down there it's me it's fucking Jay Lawhead
who's been
killing it in front of me and uh the lovely Nia and her cousins and we're
hanging her cousin I
mean and we're hanging out down the pool and they're doing the usual shit you
know if you're
a redhead and you go down to the pool like you're just asking for it people all
you know look how
white you are you know like I never noticed it's like I'm fucking around myself
I've been around
myself since the 60s the late 60s I know how white I am and if I ever forget
how white I am there's
always somebody there to remind me sir I don't know if you've noticed your skin
tone what am I
meditating floating up out of my body all right so these people I'm with go
come on come on in the
pool I'm like I don't want to go in the pool I don't want to go in the fucking
pool you know
they're like why not why don't you want to go in the pool you know why because
they're fucking
look at look at these people look at them look at them and you're you're
getting your you know
would you take a bath with all with any one of the people that you see here
these fucking
just messes of human beings there's not enough chlorine in a fucking pool to
kill whatever the
fuck they're dragging in the pool you know it's like I finally end up going to
the pool then everybody
made fun of how white my fucking alabaster chest was and then I had to stay in
the shade of the
fucking uh the lifeguards chair you know you know I had a show to do I'm being
a professional
I can't come out stage later half in the bag looking like a lobster right I got
to do my little song
and dance later on that night so anyway so I ended up getting in the fucking
pool against my what I
wanted to do you know and then I get out of the pool uh first of all for my age
I am in absolutely
phenomenal top shelf shape all right I gotta tell you the the fucking just the
the fuck the humanity
humanity that I saw poolside in Las Vegas the fucking humanity
keyword manatee
not to skip step on uh Jim Gaffigan I just realized he used to use that
reference and I'm pretty sure he
used it I can't remember how the fuck he used it but if he used it to describe
a fat pale torso not really
pale but whatever whatever the fucking shit I saw decided that he was dead on
that
oh my god
is there anything worse than seeing a tattoo come of age
you know
jesus christ if you get a tattoo you better you better just make the mental
decision that you're gonna p90x for the rest of your
fucking life because when you don't dude I saw this guy down at the pool
all right he had like not only the worst tattoos you've ever seen in your life
like the worst placement
you know what I mean like you get one like on the side of your arm up by your
shoulder that looks good
right on the bicep that looks good you know
do you know somebody gets one right over their voice box like I don't give a
fuck what you have
that that leads into that part of the of the work for the piece whatever they
call it it looks fucking horrible
leg tattoos horrific
horrific so this fucking jerk off
he has basically the exact sort of like tribal thing that the rock has
except he doesn't look tribal
he looks like an accountant you know
and he doesn't work out
so just imagine if the rock was as pasty as I was
and it never worked out in his life but he has that same tattoo that starts at
the elbow goes up the arm over the shoulder
and covers one whole peck
but the way this guy had it done
was it didn't cover his whole peck
it came swinging in and went right above his his man nipple
so now all of the all of that is like colored in
so
because of the pastiness of his torso
your eye is just drawn
to his right nipple
is he standing in the fucking pool
my neck was sore from shaking my head at people
it was it was absolutely fucking horrific right
so so anyways
um I go back up to the uh
I go back up to the hotel room right
you know
gonna make sure that I'm all ship shaped for my goddamn show
and I put on the news
and what do they end up doing a story about
they start doing a story about
the amount of uh
fecal matter
found in public pools
right after I just got out of a goddamn pool
you know
and I know what people always think
oh stay away from where the kids are
stay away from the kiddie pool right
stay away from that
they always blame the fucking kids
well uh you know something
after seeing what I saw pool
you know
there weren't a lot of kids in there
but I guarantee you
somebody got a coli
I know this is fucking disgusting
but people
you're basically bathing
you know what's even more fucked up
is is Vegas
is just like
you know
people flying from all over the world
you're taking a fucking AIDS bath
you know
with a shot of fucking
uh
what the hell was that shit
that came out
but it killed people so fast
that it just burned out
everybody just ran into the woods
what the fuck was that shit called
ah christ I can't remember
ebola
that's it
with a shot of ebola
or whatever
food poisoning
I don't know what it is
a salmonella shower
whatever the fuck you want to call it
I'm done with public pools
the only pool that I will ever swim in again
is my pool
if I ever get one
or the pool
of some hot chick
that I want to fucking bang
because I have Nia's permission
that's the only way
it's going to go down
other than that
you know
I'll just go
I'll just go take a bath
that way I'm out of the sun
you know
I'll take a couple of vitamin E pills
whatever the fuck it is
you get from the sun
other than skin cancer
I'm done with it
you know what America needs to implement
after years
and years
of calling the French people smelly
you know
that's kind of like the thing
when we went over to France
and saved their ass
for the second time last century
oh wait
did we do it once
we did it one time right
I can't fucking remember
so anyways
we've always made fun of the French file
they smell
if you ever watched Bugs Bunny growing up
and you saw Pepe Le Pew
if you noticed he had a French accent
you know
that's the kind of shit
you couldn't get away with today
because of political correctness
I guess
they were basically saying
that you know
that they stunk
but I'll tell you one thing
that the French have
when it comes to hygiene
over Americans
all right
is the bidet
all right
I can guarantee you
if I ever go swimming
in a public pool again
it's going to be in France
unless there's a bunch of Americans
I know
I've been over to England
I never saw a bidet over there
you know
a bidet is basically
a car wash
for your asshole
and
you know
it leaves you feeling refreshed
puts a fucking smile
on your face
and evidently in France
you're so fucking happy
you forget to put on deodorant
but I'll tell you right now
you can jump in that pool
I bet they're not
but they're not talking about
that shit over there
right
right
right