Name: Bill Burr - World War Z And Super Hero Movies
Uploaded: 2013-06-11T14:24:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - World War Z And Super Hero Movies' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - World War Z And Super Hero Movies' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-11. Transcript available.

World War Z. Oh, there we go.
Now, here's a fucking movie.
Here's a guy.
There's a fucking movie that I wanted to see.
Brad Pitt, World War Z, end of the fucking world.
Right?
There's zombies.
There's just shit.
The world as we know it will not exist in I don't know how many days.
One of the great fucking lines, the kind of line that makes me want to get off
my fucking couch, you know, put on my slippers.
Put on a smoking jacket and go down to the local movie theater and take in a
picture.
Right?
And then at the end of it, after they show everybody running for their fucking
lives, it's the end of the goddamn world.
World War Z.
What?
What?
I don't even know what that is.
It was World War I, World War II.
They said, fuck all the numbers right through infinity.
Fuck the entire alphabet all the way to the last letter.
World War Z.
I'm fucking, I'm there.
I got to see this shit.
And then at the end, what do they do to me?
Rated PG-13.
Oh, go fuck yourself.
All right?
And that's not a go fuck yourself to Brad Pitt or the director or anybody else
that I'm trying not to burn a bridge with.
It's a fuck you to the cunts.
I know that that was a rated R movie.
In fact, I've heard that it was.
And they fucking took the knees out of it.
And they fucking drag it down into PG-13.
All right?
I don't give a fuck who you are.
If the world is ending and you're getting chased by zombies, you're not running
around going, oh, golly gee.
Oh, heck.
Cry me knees.
Oh, Jiminy Cricket.
And once every 10 minutes you go, oh, shit.
You know?
You don't.
It's the end of the world with zombies.
From the beginning, once they discover the zombies to the end of that movie
where they hopefully solve the problem, should be a bunch of people.
Wait.
85% of the people going, fuck, what the fuck are we going to do?
I got it.
Fucking zombies.
And then the other 15% should be grabbing them by the shoulders, going, for
Christ's sake, get a fucking hole to yourself.
Right?
That should be most of the dialogue in that movie.
But now, now, I don't know why I just said it that way.
Now it's PG-13.
So what are they going to do?
Well, what's going to happen?
Are they going to slowly, you know, have some metaphor for why we should not
stop using fucking plastic water bottles?
Are they going to weave that into the storyline?
You know?
You know what's funny?
I actually tweeted.
I have to admit that.
I hang my head in shame, but I did tweet.
And I do still consider myself a man, even saying that out loud.
Say it again, Bill.
I tweeted.
I said zombie movies are rated R.
Hashtag World War Z.
All right?
And most people agreed.
So, of course, this one cunt goes, I have to respectfully disagree, said the
success of The Walking Dead.
That's what he said.
Said the success of The Walking Dead.
Fucking Twitter hack.
It's just like, oh, that's a great idea.
I see that business model.
So let me get this straight.
I'm going to spend over fucking $100, $150 million of my money making a zombie
movie.
And I'm going to make it no more fucking crazier than what people can sit at
home on their couch and watch.
That's what the fuck you're telling me?
That's that right there.
That's your business model.
That makes sense to you.
Forget about all the cunts who are going to steal the movie anyways.
Or just, man, I'll just wait a few weeks and then I'll watch it on fucking
whatever.
Right?
You want to get him out?
You want to get him excited, see?
To come down and go see the picture.
And the big screen.
Get themselves some popcorn.
Sitting there with their best gal.
Right?
You're going to make it, you know, what?
Why don't you just make according to Jim's World War Z?
You know, don't disrespect the Jim or according.
Right?
I'm just saying, what the fuck?
What is the purpose?
It's like when you go out to your favorite pizza place.
If you could make the pizza just as good at home, you wouldn't fucking go out
there.
Or if someone would just show up to your fucking house and step out of your TV
and go, here's your fucking pizza.
You're not going.
Why the fuck would you make a PG-13 zombie fucking movie?
Could somebody, for the love of fucking God, explain that to me?
They've been doing that lately.
All right?
Superhero movies should also be rated R.
Unless you're doing one of those douchey ones that nobody cares about.
All right?
But all the other ones, Batman, Captain America, all that shit, should all be
rated R.
Those superheroes are not for kids.
Those are for adults who don't know how to fight and want to live through
somebody else who actually has a six-pack.
That's what those movies are for.
I feel.
You know?
And I actually think that I would take, I would actually go for,
if I haven't made a fucking superhero movie, I would go for the NC-17.
You know, if you remember in Spider-Man when he's hanging upside down and the
fucking girl's kissing him.
Right?
That wouldn't be, he would have been hanging a little bit lower, if you know
what I mean.
He'd still be upside down, but he would be hanging a little bit lower.
Come on, people.
Do the math.
Somewhere between 68 and 70 is what I'm talking about.
All right?
That's how that fucking scene would have gone down.
Okay?
And fuck all these critics who would be like, oh my God, that's absolutely
horrific.
Stan Lynch must be fucking rolling over on his futon because they never gave
him the money he deserved for creating the character.
And I would be, I stand by it.
I stand by it.
This is the Peter Parker that everyone knew existed, but no one wanted to see.
You know, he'd be hanging upside down, just thrusting his fucking spider dick
right in her mouth.
Okay?
You know why?
Because he's, because he's Spider-Man.
All right?
Half man, half spider, using the power for good.
And he still has a day job.
Still has a fucking day job.
Isn't that great?
What a common man.
He's not like Bruce Wayne walking around at all these fucking eyes wide shut
parties.
You know, how many tuxedos does Bruce Wayne own?
And how did he make his money?
You know?
I know all these comic book people are losing their fucking minds because I don't
know anything about the backstory about any of these fucking people.
And I don't give a shit.
All right?
How much, what did he do?
How did he inherit money when both his parents got shot in the alley?
They're there, your parents got killed.
Is that what the money he's spending?
He's never working.
He's never at work in any of those fucking movies.
He's always going over to the mayor's house.
He's a fucking trust fund kid.
Peter Parker still works for the school paper or whatever.
I'm working for fucking Jameson, a guy named after whiskey.
All right, that's your guy.
And I liked when he wore the black suit, too.
I think that that one looked better.
You know?
And the suit started controlling him.
I didn't like that.
They made Peter look weak.
All right.
You know, I'm in over my fucking head when I'm talking about goddamn
superheroes here.
Um...