Name: Bill Burr - Advice: My Car Is Shit
Uploaded: 2013-06-18T14:54:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: My Car Is Shit' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: My Car Is Shit' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-18. Transcript available.

All right, my car is shit.
Hey, Billiam, I'm a high school student in Arkansas.
All right, Razorbacks, SEC, and my car is pure shit.
The paint is blotchy.
Dude, this isn't pimp my ride.
What do you think I'm going to do?
Fucking go over there?
Have somebody come and put a flat screen TV in your trunk?
The paint is blotchy and fading.
The interior is shit.
The air conditioner doesn't work.
And there's a ton of stickers on the back from the previous owner.
It's actually embarrassing any time a person, especially girls, see it.
So how do I get over my shitty car?
Also, your podcast has not only helped me relieve the stress from school,
but it gets me through class if I'm having a slow day.
All right, what you got to do is you have to embrace your shitty car.
You know, it takes a certain swagger to drive a shitty car.
You got to have a sense of humor about it.
You know, if somebody trashes your car, just, you know, you can do one of two
things.
Either agree with them or just be like, how dare you?
How dare you trash?
That right there is a classic.
That's an original condition.
All right.
Or whatever.
I don't know what the fuck to do.
You can take the bumper stickers off.
You know what?
You could throw some rims on it.
You know what?
Fuck that.
Don't put rims on a piece of shit car.
This is the biggest thing that I would say.
All right.
If you're trying to get a lady, right?
You're in college.
Everybody understands you're going to be broke.
What I would do, you got to make sure the inside of the car is clean.
Spend some money.
Get that fucker steam cleaned and get some fucking air freshener so it smells
all right.
All right.
You could probably take off the bumper sticker.
You can get a $99 fucking paint job.
Every fucking state you go to, there's some cunt on TV talking about a $99
paint job.
You know, pick a dark color.
You know, that usually will, I don't know, maybe paint over the other shit.
Well, I don't know much about paint.
I have no idea.
Maybe you'll be all right.
What kind of car is it, sir?
If you could help me out with what kind of car you have, maybe I could help you
out.
I don't know.
Listen, I drove an 83 Ford Ranger, two-wheel drive, five-speed, AM, FM, fucking
radio.
It just was a mess.
And I finally put a nice stereo in there and somebody smashed the window,
ripped up the fucking plastic, like, dashboard and yanked the radio out.
And I didn't have room for another one.
I had this gaping fucking hole with wires hanging out.
And I wasn't getting any pussy.
There you go, sir.
You know what?
I've come around to your side.
I see what the problem is.
You know what?
I would go to campus parties and try to go back to her dorm room.
Just avoid the whole car thing, the whole car situation.
Or, you know, something.
If you meet a girl that you really like, just admit to it and just say, listen,
I got to tell you something before we go to my car.
My car is a mess.
My car is a mess and it's really embarrassing.
I'm really self-conscious about it.
But just own up to it.
Girls love that because then that kicks into the motherly thing.
They go, oh, that's okay.
I don't think it's that bad.
And next thing you know, they're blowing you.
So, they just make sure it smells okay.
That's the biggest thing about women.
When you're younger and you don't have any fucking money.
If you just make a fucking effort, you know, have your, if you're going out,
just make sure in case you get lucky.
Clean up your fucking room.
Don't have dirty laundry laying all over the place.
Make the fucking bed.
Get a couple of scented candles.
All that hacky shit.
You know?
And for the love of God, when you get in there, do not have overhead lighting.
There's nothing women hate more than fucking overhead lighting.
As middle-aged guys like me, as you're balding, you really start to hate
overhead lighting.
But, you know, women, they fucking hate overhead lighting.
All right?
So, if you have overhead lighting, go out and buy, invest in a fucking, just a
fucking bedside reading lamp or whatever.
And then buy some cool fucking, I know this is hacky, but just some cool fabric.
If you can throw it over the top, gives it more of a fucking soft light, little
mood.
Makes you know where titties are out.
If you got some skills, you know, you're fucking round in second.
And the rest is on you.
Okay?
There you go.
All right.
The royal family, everybody.
This one says, Bill, I'm curious about your feelings on the royal.
Wait, I got to back up.
I remember the first time I brought a girl back when I was in New York.
And I didn't have shit.
I had my fucking couch from my dad's dental office in the early 70s.
Floral pattern made out of wood that, like, I swear to God, you could fucking
kill a village.
You could club people to death with this couch.
It took, like, three people to bring it in.
And all I had was the overhead lighting.
I had a light bulb with nothing even covering that.
And I had this old fixture that you'd turn it on.
It would make this, like, you slap somebody in the face when you turned it.
When you turned it on.
And we were just sitting there.
And, like, I can't even.
It was like we were sitting next to the sun.
And that was when I first learned about overhead lighting.
And, you know, I made my move and everything.
And I was, like, two minutes in.
She was just like, all right, wait, wait.
Can we just, like, just wait a second?
And she goes, I need to fix something.
And she went in.
And I had my bedroom door was open.
What she did was she turned on the light in there.
That was also overhead lighting.
But it was another room away.
And then she went and she turned off the light in the living room.
And guess what I did the next day?
I went out and I bought a fucking lamp.
There you go.
That's my lamp story, everybody.