Name: Bill Burr - Nik Wallenda Grand Canyon Walk
Uploaded: 2013-06-26T13:52:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Nik Wallenda Grand Canyon Walk' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Nik Wallenda Grand Canyon Walk' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-06-26. Transcript available.

Ah, Jesus Christ. Oh, speaking of Jesus, no, Jesus. Did you guys, uh, did you
guys see that fucking dude walk on that wire all the way across the Grand
Canyon? Did you see that shit?
That was one of the most incredible fucking things I've ever seen in my life.
In my life! I always have to repeat that twice when I say in my life.
And you know why that is? Because I saw, I watched Wife Swap a long time ago.
This one family, they were living like pirates. If anybody can find this clip
for me, it's one of my favorite clips.
This guy just decided he, we were all, his whole family was going to live like
pirates.
They dressed like pirates and argh, and they just walked around. They had no
fucking responsibility.
The guy was totally avoiding being like an adult. So he worked from home or
whatever.
So they swap wives. So his pirate wife leaves and then in comes like some
fucking totally conservative Nancy Reagan business suit wearing woman.
And she's just like, nah, dude, you need to go get a job or whatever.
So he goes and he does some job filing. And he comes home that day, right?
After living like a pirate, he has to put on this monkey suit and go down and
fucking earn a living.
And he comes home and she just goes, so how was it?
And he goes, that was the worst day of my life.
And she goes, well, you know, and he goes, of my life!
Like he screamed it again.
So anyways, getting back to the fucking ginger who walked across the wire.
Dude, I watched it after, because everybody kept tweeting me going, Bill, hey,
I'm really rooting for you.
You put on some weight, but I'm really rooting for you to walk across the Grand
Canyon.
So I kind of heard about it.
So I was already laughing going, all right, this guy must look like me a little
bit.
But anyways, when I was flying back from New York City, I watched it.
And I was like, my palms were sweating watching this fucking guy.
1,500 fucking feet in the air with no net, no lifeline, no anything.
And he's walking across the wire.
And every step is, oh, thank you, Jesus.
Oh, thank you, God.
Lord, you are.
Lord, thank you for getting rid of the wind.
Like this fucking 30-mile-an-hour wind, this guy is.
And then he's got his douchebag father going, okay, you're one minute and six
seconds into the journey.
You're one minute and 36 seconds.
He let his dad do this until about minute 18.
And he just finally just goes, dad, dad, I don't need you to tell me how long I've
been out here.
Like his fucking arms are tired as hell.
It was like Flanders, you know, getting mad.
Like he couldn't be like, dad, if I was on the wire, I'd be like, dad, will you
shut the fuck up?
Shut the fuck up.
All right?
What difference does it make how fucking long I'm out here?
What am I going to punch a clock and fucking go to sleep and come back tomorrow,
you asshole?
Trying to walk across the wire.
All right?
So this fucking guy, he's just sitting, not sitting, he's walking across doing
like this little slide step.
You know?
How you would sort of like insert yourself into a photo to photobomb somebody.
You know that little slide step you do?
He's doing that with these little ballet slippers on.
Now, I got to tell you, I was interested that he didn't have those shoes with
the little toes on them.
You know, those creepy fucking things that just makes you want to just, you
know, it makes your teeth hurt to look at them.
I'm surprised he didn't have those.
Maybe it's his, in case he had a problem, he could lock his big toe with the
index finger toe.
Right?
Hang on, like a fucking monkey.
So anyways, he's sitting there stepping across it going, oh, thank you, Lord.
Thank you, Jesus.
Jesus, all glory to you.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Yahweh.
At one point, he actually sounded like he was having sex.
He was going, yes, Jesus.
Oh, Jesus.
Right?
And I know it was bugging people who aren't religious.
It didn't bug me at all.
I thought that guy was the shit.
And if you think I wouldn't be out there talking to every god that I had ever
heard of, I would have, except I would have been cursing at the same time.
I would have been, oh, thank you, God, you motherfucker.
Shit, Jesus.
I would have been doing that the whole fucking way.
Thank you, God, you motherfucker.
I would be doing that.
The whole way.
At some point, I would have crouched down, let go of that balancing thing, and
I just would have been hanging on to the fucking wire, crying.
But what would you do?
Dude, there's no fucking way you could ever get me to do it.
That guy is like, that guy is the shit.
I don't even know his name.
I don't even know his name.
If he's listening to this, please pray for me.
Dude, how is time flying by this fast?
23 minutes in.
23 minutes in on your Tuesday.
All right, let's do, let's read a couple of ads for this week, everybody.
Dude, I would have been praying to everybody.
Oh, Buddha.
Buddha, you fat motherfucker.
Just get me across this.
I'd want Buddha to be laying down in the cannon in case I fell so I could land
on his fucking stomach.
Dude, that guy had to deal with, like, I guess if you're walking in a rhythm,
which, you know, is basically if you have a consistent gait to how you're
walking.
When you're on a wire, it starts to bounce up and down.
So every once in a while, I guess you either have to slow it down, switch it up,
or crouch down like this guy was.
He took a fucking knee.
How you do that on a fucking cable, I don't know.
I'm actually predicting this, that they're going to start setting up fucking
little tight ropes at gyms because it's good for core strength.
You know, somebody will somehow analyze that, and they'll put it, like,
literally two feet off the ground with a bunch of AMF mats all around it.
And you've got to wear a helmet and a fucking harness and all this shit so
nobody gets sued.
You know how they always do that?
Like, somebody does some really, like, manly, takes balls the size of the Grand
Canyon shit, and then somebody turns it into, like, a workout.
Like, the boxing workout.
They have, like, the UFC workout where you do the fucking rope thing, you know?
Where you're shaking out those fucking ropes, doing all the same shit those
guys do.
You do everything except fucking get the balls up to go fight another man, you
know, or woman.