Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Girlfriend Hits Me
Uploaded: 2013-07-01T22:42:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Girlfriend Hits Me' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-07-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Girlfriend Hits Me' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-07-01. Transcript available.

all right girlfriend hits me jesus christ how do you know soul having
motherfucker uh can we stop
with the hacky redheaded jokes you know what i mean you know how many times i've
fucking heard
that that we don't have any soul i don't have any soul did you hear that sir
did you hear the
wonderful advice that just came from my heart how could you say that you know
what just for that i'm
not giving you any good advice i'm gonna give you some terrible terrible advice
here i'm 26 and have
been dating the same girl for almost a year she's a dime fucks like a champ
great job and family
sweet as corn syrups and the whole fucking nine yards anyways about three
months ago into the
relationship that's what he called it everybody the relationship you see what
he did there he took
the p out put a t what's the deal with relationships he goes we get drunk at
her friend's house and she
starts going fucking nuts running around i try to talk to her and she slaps me
right across the face
i was seeing red but enough self-control to let it slide in the past two weeks
however she has slapped
me in front of my friends and squeezed my nuts to the point of vomiting because
i was playing around
and pissed her off wow
she squeezed your nuts so hard you puked were you drinking
he goes this has completely turned me off and had made me seriously consider
dumping this bra dude
she grabbed your balls and squeezed to the point that you puked and you're
still writing me for advice
how fucking hot is this girl he goes i'm a big guy and obviously can't respond
so i gotta stand there
like a dildo and just take this shit oh dude at what size do you feel like you
could come back
with an overhand right um although i gotta tell you there really is nothing funnier
than if a guy slaps
he's seen that video on the on the internet where that woman slaps that
security guard and he
fucking slaps her right back and she is stunned for like a second and a half
and then just puts
her hand up like a little kid just goes
i am not pro-violence towards women i am not but that is some funny shit and i
stand by it go
fuck yourself it's fucking hilarious all right she she got the old right there
fred um
oh right there fred for new people i've i've told you what that expression
means but before i do that
i really need to fucking you guys are using cold lotion incorrectly you'll be
like chicago blackhawks
beat the bruins in six games that's some cold lotion that's not cold lotion all
right cold lotion
is when somebody goes to do something nice for you and then they it's there's
like something bad about
it like nia said can you put some lotion on my back that's a beautiful loving
nice thing to do
but i didn't warm it up in my hands and i just put it on her back and it was
cold lotion do you get it
so i still put lotion on her back her skin wasn't dry i did her a solid but the
way i did it
caused like this fucking jolt this uncomfortableness that is the definition it's
actually
the definition is up on what the urban dictionary or whatever it is up there
all right so the blackhawks
speeding the bruins in six games is not cold lotion because that that would be
like they would have
let us win on some level but also fucking uh blew out one of our guys knees but
they did let us win
that would be i guess i don't fucking know anyways let's get back to the shit
shall we
so anyways to to refresh your memory before i went off on that tangent all
right she's slapping him in
front of friends and squeeze his nuts to the point of vomiting and evidently um
you know they're not
in the same weight class so he can't hit her back he goes i'm just afraid
someday in the future i'll go
into rage mode and end up crushing your head on the stove or something and ruin
my life yeah dude you
have to get out of this and then and he goes i might go into rage mode end up
crushing your head on
the stove or something and ruin my life anyways love you and looking forward to
hearing you read this in
your own clown voice um all right well sir uh you have to break up with this
woman
it's not even a question dude she squeezed she squeezed she squeezed your balls
to the point of
you puking it's over it's over all right you need to dump her and the problem
is you know what
probably nobody has ever dumped her and that's why she's so fucking out of line
so why don't you do
it you know you kind of fucked up now because you didn't do it in the moment
you should have done
it the next day and just been like do you realize how fucking out of line no no
don't curse you just
stay really calm and just say listen uh you know um i don't want to see you
anymore i just don't i just
you know uh i don't know how to fucking do it i i i can't do it without cursing
you know you're
a fucking psycho and uh you squeeze my balls until i puked and um you haven't
even apologized you're
like that much of a dumb cunt and no matter how smart i am my kids are going to
be cut with your
half a dumb cuntness so you know and whenever i see them do something dumb i i'm
gonna know that
it's you and that i shouldn't have dumped the load in you so i uh i i i just
can't see you anymore
dude are you gonna when you break up with you you're gonna be wearing one of
those dog
you know that those suits you wear when you're training a dog how to attack
people
a little beekeeper hat and a cup no sir if if you're actually you know having
fantasies of
slamming your head on a stovetop yeah i would definitely get out of it before
you ruin your life