Name: Bill Burr - Advice: For The Birds
Uploaded: 2013-07-23T13:42:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: For The Birds' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-07-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: For The Birds' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-07-23. Transcript available.

Alright, for the birds, hey Bill, I got these two parakeets.
My problem is that these little dudes don't like me.
I've tried whistling, petting them, I don't know if you can pet a bird,
and squirting them with water.
Do they like water? I'm guessing that that's a good thing, parakeets like water.
I don't know, why don't we ask the fucking Jimmy's guy to write a fucking nine
pages on it.
I love how I'm upset with that guy, because he actually did the research,
as opposed to me, who were like, oh yeah, I overheard this in a bar.
So anyways, this guy's petting his birds, he's fucking getting them with the
water hose.
He's whistling at them.
Woo! Ow!
All to no avail.
I know they're only birds, but I feel they hold a deep resentment towards me.
Well, you clipped their wings and you stuck them in a cage, how would you feel?
If somebody cut your fucking nuts off, came by, started whistling at you and
throwing water at you,
you know?
I got an idea, why don't you leave them alone?
Why don't you open the cage?
Right?
Why don't you take them to one of those Kardashian doctors
and get a little Botox in their fucking wings and let them fly away?
Wouldn't that be annoying to you if you were in a cage?
Your arms cut off at the fucking elbows and somebody came up,
and rather than whistling, they started speaking English at you?
Speaking English at you?
He goes, I think it's because I yelled at them.
Oh, here we go.
He goes, I think they resent me because I yelled at them.
What were they doing?
I said, no whistling during my shows!
Basically, I had to scold them for pooping in their water dish,
but I had their best interest in mind.
Dude, do you understand how fucking insane you are?
That you feel like you can talk to a bird?
You know, why don't you, like, not stick the water dish, you know,
underwear that was underneath the swing?
Or what I would do is I'd just get a bigger cage.
I'd get a bigger fucking cage.
I'd put the water in the center that isn't near any of those trapeze bars,
and hopefully they won't be at the top of the cage and still shit down on it.
Or I would accept the fact that it's a bird in a cage and that it's, you know,
basically anything at the bottom of the cage might as well be the city of Dresden,
right?
I would just take that as part of it.
I wouldn't yell at the birds.
But anyways, this guy, he had to scold them for pooping in their water,
but I had their best interest in mind.
I heard if they drink contaminated water, it can cause a disease that makes all
their feathers fall off.
Well, you could also read up on it, as opposed to me, who just repeats shits
that they hear.
He goes, I do a lot for those little guys, but putting jackets on nude parakeets
isn't one of them.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.
They don't even let me pet them, let alone dress them.
Dude, you're not a bird guy.
You should have got a dog.
He goes, when I originally bought them, I imagine I would have one parakeet on
each shoulder
while hanging out around my house, but instead, whenever I approach the cage,
they freeze in horror.
Every time they do that, I can't help but remember my brother's face when he
fell through the ice
and we had to pull him out.
I thought maybe if I bought them more toys, that would somehow help.
Dude, birds' motivation isn't more toys.
Their motivation is you not having energy like I'm going to fucking twist your
head off.
Dude, their wings are clipped so they can't escape.
You got them stuck in a cage.
They're terrified, and you yelled at them.
I would say more than on one occasion you yelled at them.
All right?
You need to fucking relax.
All right?
Listen to this.
Would you want to be like your job to be in a cage all day?
You know?
And then some, you know, I don't know, some giant comes home and puts you on
its fucking shoulders
and your whole job is to enhance the giant's fucking life?
You don't even have a little bit of empathy for the fucking birds.
What I would do is I would just have a totally relaxed energy and hope that
they forget that
you're screamed at them.
Treat them nicely.
Don't try to pet them.
Just don't fuck with them.
Every time you come over, they'll gradually be like, oh, this is the guy who
feeds us.
This guy who brings water.
This guy's on our side.
You know?
As opposed to the mixed messages that you're sending them.
Yeah.
Birds don't give a fuck about toys.
You know?
Do they?
I don't think they do.
He said, I bought them a new toy every Friday on my way home from work.
And there's a ridiculous amount of toys in the cage.
And here's the kicker.
They haven't played with a single one.
Not once.
Well, dude, do you look at the birds outside?
If you leave your toddler's toys outside, they don't go, oh, good.
They left.
And then they go down and they start playing on his fucking tricycle.
He goes, they just stare at me.
I took them to the vet, but he spent more time looking at his phone than the
birds.
Anyways, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I think you should find a bird lover, sir.
And give the birds away.
And then, I don't know.
I think you should get your temper in check.
And before you do that, yeah, get your temper in check.
And then if you want to get a dog, it seems like you want more interaction with
the pet.
Most people get birds because they can have an interaction with an animal, but
they don't have to walk it down the street.
And there's a lot less interaction with them.
You seem like you want a bird to act like a dog slash a little kid.
Like, hey, daddy's home.
I bought you a fire engine.
Oh, boy, look at that.
Does the bell work?
You know, somehow you want the bird to do that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Please stop yelling at your birds.
All right.
They can't help if they shit in the water.
You know, they're birds.
They're not supposed to be in cages.
They fly around and they shit as they fly.
They shit when they're on branches.
When they have to go, they go.
They don't have any stress.
They don't have any shame.
And there's water all over the place.
So now you got them in this fucking cage with a little confined area of water.
You know, what are they supposed to do?
Well, what do I know about the restaurant business?