Name: Bill Burr - Juicer
Uploaded: 2013-08-12T12:00:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Juicer' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-08-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Juicer' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-08-12. Transcript available.

So anyways, the past couple weeks I've been talking about the food down here in
New Orleans,
saying how delicious slash unhealthy it is and how you can't find fucking kale.
Excuse me as I drink more cold water for my fucking scalded tongue.
I actually bought a juicer this week to somehow combat all the fried food that
I've been eating.
And I started drinking that shit that that guy in fat, dead, and kind of sick,
whatever the fuck it's called.
Fat, sick, and nearly dead.
Sick, fatty, with dead fucking something.
Whatever.
I've been drinking that shit, man.
I got to tell you something.
It's delicious.
Not only is it delicious, you crave it after a while.
And I think I dropped like four or five pounds.
Good pounds, too.
You know?
The flabby ones.
I was joking on Twitter, saying how I was in button-down shirt shape.
And I actually want to get into, like, I want to be in sitting-down, no-shirt-on
shape.
I don't know what.
I know Bill Cosby did a bit on this, but he's so right.
What the fuck happens when you sit down?
You stand up and look sideways in the mirror.
You're like, all right, you know what?
That isn't bad.
Dare I say it's kind of cute.
Shows that I like the occasional Snickers.
Right?
And you sit there pinching at yourself like you're in an old-school Special K
commercial going,
all right, that's not that bad.
That's not that bad.
Then you just sit down and, like, three handfuls of shit just lands on your
thighs.
You know?
For the life of me, I can't.
What is, what happens?
Do your hip bones move up to your fucking man tits and everything just gets
blown out?
I have no idea.
I have no idea.
But sitting down without a shirt on, you know, that's the truest moment of your
fucking physique that you're going to see all day.
Stop standing up, sucking in your gut.
All right?
You want to see the damage you've done?
Maybe you're not ready for it.
All right?
This is like the ring when you looked at that fucking chick's face.
Your jaw just opens up and you land in a fucking walk-in closet.
Oh, my God.
I don't know what happened to me.
I'm not even that bad of shape.
So I said, fuck this.
I got a juicer.
And I just did a quick gig up in Chicago.
Came right back.
This private thing.
So I don't know.
I ate halfway decent up there.
I did find a vegan restaurant.
But then, of course, I had some Chicago pizza.
So now I came back and I had my little fucking grilled cheese sandwich and
tomato soup.
So now my body is starting to pull me back to the dark side.
And that's what I've really learned about trying to stay in shape.
It's all about keeping your brain out in front of your body.
Keeping your fucking wits about you.
Like this shit.
It's like food.
You know, when they say food is a drug, I didn't believe them.
But I'm totally convinced of it now.
It's like when you're eating bad.
When you just go in like a three-month bender of just eating bad and in your
head like, oh, God, I got to stop.
Oh, I want a fucking cheeseburger.
And you just keep going.
And then that makes you want cookies and all that type of shit.
It's the food equivalent to like locking yourself in a room and just freebasing
for three months.
That's what you're doing.
So what I try to do when I'm eating bad like this, I just talked to a buddy of
mine outside of the business who's trying to lose some fucking weight.
I was trying to tell him that.
Like you got to keep your head out in front of it and just go like, I want that,
but I'm going to eat this.
Even in that moment when you're looking at that apple as opposed to that
fucking glorious whatever you're looking at, right?
Toasted roast beef and cheese with the fucking pickles and the chips and all
that.
The last thing, your body's like, that's what the fuck I want.
And you got to reach for that apple.
You got to fucking hit that, that crack pipe instead.
And I'm telling you, the second you get two, three bites in, you're like, oh,
thank God.
Thank God I did that.
And you're fine.
Because from what I've, what I've read, the very little I've read is your body
is, it's actually craving nutrition.
You know?
That's why when you eat Chinese food, like fucking 35 minutes later, you're
hungry again because your body's still craving nutrition.
There wasn't like a fucking ounce of it in that shit at the risk of getting
sued by that entire fucking continent of China.
Um, it's not a continent, it's a country.
Go fuck yourself.
Um, so that's what I would say.
If you can try to do, that's what I'm trying to do as I'm trying to keep my
head out in front of it.
So I, I got that grilled cheese sandwich and I got the tomato soup and I said,
all right, I got to get back on the fucking green gumbo here as I'm calling it
because I'm in New Orleans.
And, uh, that's it.
I'm back on that shit for the last two.
Tomorrow morning, wake up and make another one.
Bingo, bango.
I'm trying to do two a day juicing and then one day having the fucking, uh, you
know, a healthy dinner.
And then I go on the treadmill for a half hour.
There's no fucking way you're not going to drop weight.
All right.
So there you go.
So stop doing those stupid ass fad diets.
It's the fucking cornflakes diet.
All I do is eat cornflakes.
I can eat as much as I want.
That bullshit.
Eventually.
You know what it really is?
I think the really, it really is, is not even like, it's not even the fucking
diet.
It's the, once you get to your weight, what do you do then?
You know, once you get down to your weight, at some point you're going to be
looking around.
It's like you got out of jail and there's some ice cream right over there.
You're an adult.
You don't have to go, mom, can I have some ice cream?
Right?
That's how you become a fat fucker.
As an adult, there's no one to say, hey, you had enough cookies.
It's on you.
You had enough booze.
Put on a condom.
It's all on you.
You got to be your own fucking parent until you get a lady in your life.
Then she starts fucking nagging at you.
Take your shoes off.
Get out the rug.
Fuck you, lady.
Where did you become so angry?
So that would be my advice.
When you're just on, if you're right now, if you listen to this shit and you're
on a bad
fucking road, I'm telling you, one of these days in the future, you're going to
wake up.
You're going to be sitting down on the side of your bed.
You're going to glance into a mirror and you're going to be like, what the fuck?
What have I done to myself?
You're going to stand up real quick.
You're going to try to suck it in and try to deny the truth that you just saw.
You hear that?
That's the steam engine coming back on the fucking racist genocide 101.
The fuck am I to?
Yeah, just make yourself eat an apple or just eat a fucking salad.
You got to turn the boat around.
That's what I'm trying to do.
I got to do it.
I fucking went back up to like almost $1.90 and now I'm back down to like the
mid-170s.
It's the fucking worst.
Just trying to lose like 15 pounds is the fucking worst.
I can't imagine people who got to lose more than that.
So, you know, I don't know how this became more of a weight loss podcast, but I
think it's
working though.
This guy actually sent me a letter.
He said, podcast success story.
Dear Wilbur, you, sir, are a god amongst men.
Ah, Jesus.
I wish that was true.
He goes, I used to be a depressed piece of shit.
You're typical.
The world is against me.
Nobody likes me.
Nobody wants me.
Fucking moron.
That's who I was.
But your advice on stepping back and making fun of every negative annotation I
have.
Is that a word?
Did he write that?
Did he type that correctly or am I a more annotation?
I don't know.
Not to make you depressed again.
I don't know how to spell.
He goes, I have fucking changed my life.
I'm 80 pounds lighter.
I got a great girl and I've gotten two.
Count them, two promotions.
You're a comedian.
You're not obligated to be Oprah or Maury, but you still make a difference.
Thank you, sir, for knocking me back into cohesion.
You probably make 20 times more than me.
I doubt that, sir.
With your two big promotions there.
But I know, but I owe you a drink next time I see you if you're in Canada or Beantown.
You stay classy, sir.
Ah, that's great.
Good for you, sir.
Look at that.
He turned it around.
Somehow my negative, whatever the fuck, my shaming, my fat shame, my shame has
been working.
All right, enough about that shit.
So that's what I'm doing.
I'm drinking the, I'm doing that fat, sick and nearly dead juicing thing.
And it's like all green stuff.
It's kale, celery, a couple handfuls of parsley, cucumbers.
And then a lime in to take the bitterness out.
And I got to tell you, it's fucking delicious.
I love it.
And I don't know.
I think I'm going to incorporate this in every couple of months.
Just go back to that.
Well, just juice for like four or five days.
Just so I stay out in front of it.
Just so I don't have to sit down one day and have that fucking beach ball.
I got a thing on my button down shirts.
It's the one, two, third button down.
When that button starts to look like it's doing the iron cross between both
sides of my shirt.
That's when I'm like, ah, you fucking jerk off.
All right.
And then what happens is I lay off the beer and then I just start slamming
whiskey.
Like that's my initial when I've, we've begun our initial descent into dieting
is I go from drinking pale ales to whiskey.
I really am a freckled mess.