Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Was He A Virgin
Uploaded: 2013-08-20T14:25:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Was He A Virgin' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-08-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Was He A Virgin' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-08-20. Transcript available.

Oh, people have been asking me, you know, I want to send emails in, man.
What do I send it?
Bill at the MMPodcast.com.
That's where you send them in if you have any fucking questions, this, that,
and the other, and all that bullshit.
All right.
Was he a virgin?
Dear Billy.
Dear Bill.
First of all, I'd like to say I'm a huge fan from your hometown of Waka Luka,
Makaduka.
You are a comedian.
You are my comedian crush.
I absolutely love you.
Well, you've obviously never met me.
Believe me.
I'm a piece of shit and I'm difficult to live with.
So why don't you set your standards a little higher?
He says, now to the problem.
I was celibate for almost two years.
I grew tired of it and decided to sleep with the guy I've liked for a little, I've
liked for a little, but I didn't know him too well.
Let me start by saying, honestly, this isn't something I do ever, but I needed
to get laid.
It was a slutty thing to do.
No, it wasn't.
It wasn't.
All right.
It wasn't.
You fucking have that urge.
Whatever.
You went out, you did it.
What the fuck are you going to do?
But oh well.
I was good for long enough.
Anyways, he's a little socially awkward and quiet, which I initially thought
was cute, but found out there's a lot more awkwardness in him.
I don't know.
The date itself was awkward, but I was horny and he's a nice guy.
So I wanted to get so I wanted to get so I wanted to get so I wanted to get it
in.
All right.
This person's not fucking around here.
He started by nestling his head in my breast and rubbing his nose on them in
between and all around.
He did this also when I got on top of him, but when he did it, he did something
extremely strange.
He squeezed my breast very rapidly, almost as if to honk them.
I laughed at first because I thought he was playing, but he kept doing that.
And then he did the same thing to my ass multiple times.
Oh, my God.
She says, I'm well in doubt in both of those areas, so I understand him playing
with them.
But something was strange about it.
This is really fucking weirding me out.
I don't know why.
And beaches down low.
Was he doing it like at the same time or was he like alternating with each
hands?
He should have been doing that while winking either eye, you know, just
completely freaking you out,
occasionally sticking his tongue out.
He'd go into some sort of fucking epileptic seizure.
Anyway, she said when he touched me anywhere else, he would only use the palm
of his hand.
At one point, we were laying next to each other on the bed.
Maybe he just doesn't know what he's doing.
And I guess he remembered I said I like my hair pulled.
So he randomly grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked it.
This sounds like somebody who can't dance.
Trying to dance to something up-tempo.
This is fucking horrific.
I feel horrible for this guy.
Like, this is like, this is such a bad performance.
This is like a first-round draft pick bust.
Like, three games in, you're like, oh, my God, what did we just throw a million
dollars at?
This is over.
Give this guy a clipboard.
Anyways, she said we were not even having sex yet, and it wasn't like he guided
my head to his lap or anything.
What?
When we finally did have sex, it lasted less than a minute, and I'm not exaggerating.
When he told me he was about to finish, I told him to get on top so he could
have more control.
But he put all of his body weight on me and was done in half a stroke.
Oh, my God.
All in one.
All right.
He fucking threw the Hail Mary.
Again, I'm not exaggerating.
He went down on me to compensate, and I'll spare you further details, but he
knew nothing about what he was doing.
Yeah, I kind of gathered that.
I was nice throughout this because I never thought, because I never would want
to give anyone a complex.
But when you fucking said where you live, that's why I feel bad about this.
I'm going to have to have that bleeped out.
I'm going to bleep that out.
I don't want to fucking blow up anybody's spot.
38 minutes in.
All right.
All right.
All right.
39 minutes in.
I'll spare you the further details, but he knew nothing about what he was doing.
I was nice throughout this because I never would want to give anyone a complex.
But, dude, what the fuck?
Did I just fuck an autistic man or a virgin?
He's 26, and he's a sweet guy.
I almost want to teach him, but I don't want to insult him.
Any advice?
All right.
Well, first things first.
Do you like the guy?
Do you even like the guy?
Before you get involved in this, the money pit here, as far as fixer up houses
goes.
I don't know if you were just trying to be funny, but from the way you describe
this, there has to be a jumping off point.
Ah, who knows?
Who knows?
Maybe, maybe, I don't know.
I don't fucking know.
26 years old.
I don't know.
And he's fucking grabbing your ass.
Like, you ever see somebody who knows how to make an omelet really quick and
can fucking open them up eggs with one hand?
It's like, he's doing that with your fucking titties and your ass.
It's just weird.
But you see, all right, I'm going to go with you like him because what can you
do?
Jesus Christ.
Where to start?
You didn't even mention him kissing you.
You know, I don't know.
I think this guy's fucking weird.
What the fuck was with the nose all around your titties?
I don't know what to tell you.
I got to give you advice here because this is the advice part.
I almost want to teach him.
I don't want to insult him.
Any advice.
How the fuck do you go about this?
It's just such a fucking, you know, usually when you give somebody advice, you
know, who's sensitive, what you do is you compliment the things that they did
well first.
And then you ease into, hey, this could maybe use a little work here.
Not saying you're bad because you did this well.
Just saying this over here.
Maybe, is there, did he do anything well?
How was he when he pulled his pants back up?
Was that pretty smooth?
You know, he gets balls stuck in the zipper.
Was he able to not do that?
Maybe he could start with that.
Ah, Jesus.
Isn't this, this is why women are so amazing.
The fact that she's actually willing to work with this.
She's going to try to make this work.
I don't, I don't know.
I, I, I guess I would try and figure out something that he did well and I would
compliment that and then I would just start chipping away at the mountain.
I wouldn't try to bring the whole mountain down in one day.
But, uh, you know, just know you, you get, you get a long fucking road ahead of
you.
Jesus Christ.
He took two years off from sex and now, you know, it sounds like you were
having sex with like the first robot ever.
And there was somebody like controlling him, you know, and they, they had an
inability to, to, they have robot hands caress.
So it went, you know, comments corrects caressing, it was just, it was kneading
dough.
Ah, Jesus.
Hey, good luck with that.
I'm sorry.
I got to start sending DVDs to people who I just can't fucking come up with
anything.
I got, I got nothing.