Name: Bill Burr & Jason Lawhead - Bill Talks About Old Jobs
Uploaded: 2013-09-03T11:22:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Jason Lawhead - Bill Talks About Old Jobs' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-09-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Jason Lawhead - Bill Talks About Old Jobs' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-09-03. Transcript available.

you know i i got held back in first grade but not because of me my my brother
was gonna borderline
get held back in third grade and then my dad you catching him and no my dad
just had this one for
all all for one kind of thing so he held everybody back and then just felt like
boys are more aren't
as mature as girls they should be held back so he held all of us back yeah that's
part of why i was
like the maturity level of just being a i was the youngest and you know what's
funny is i still
completely fucking screwed up in in high school dude i i actually went back to
my parents house
a few years ago and you know i was getting the last remaining shit out of there
and my mother
doesn't throw anything out and she had some of my my report cards dude i i mean
just it was fucking
ridiculous it was c's d's and we didn't have f's they were called e's i don't
know why yeah i had
c's d like it's like the high watermark maybe was a solid c and it was just d
plus d minus d
e and you're a smart guy huh you're a smart guy i mean that's like interesting
like no you're a
smart guy i mean you're not a genius but you're a smart guy yeah no from what i
know i was i do
a joke because i know what i'm good at and i what i'm good at is being a loud
mouth fucking idiot and
somehow thanks to this business i'm able to turn that into a living but if i
was in anything else
um i was always a good i got a good work ethic for my parents but i i trust me
dude i failed
at a lot of shit a lot of shit yeah i just i just wanted to have fun dude that's
all i want to do
i didn't want to like i didn't want to uh i didn't want to work i i didn't mind
working but it had to
be fun that's why i like working in warehouses i like blue collar jobs because
there was this thing
where you were working but you weren't in like this office of this cubicle you
weren't in this
designated area it switched you had different job sites and everybody was
fucking funny like i had
a buddy of mine he did construction and um i went over to his job site one time
and dude they were the
funniest motherfuckers and they had like catchphrases they had this thing what
they would do if
anybody bitched they would just like someone would be like you know what the
fuck is my nail gun i
blah blah and you hear somebody all the other side of house just go
and do like this baby thing this wah thing and that's what they would get
because what they were
doing was this unbelievable it was a fucking bitch of a job so what it is you
just saw how humor worked
because if he starts bitching everybody bitches then you're just doing this job
and you got this
negative thing so it was this way to because anybody would do it they would
start fucking laugh
everybody else would start fucking laughing you'd be 90 degree heat putting a
fucking roof on a house
just hating your life dude i remember one time i i lasted i lasted 10 days
doing this shit
before i went back to the warehouses i was fucking uh working with these guys
and we were putting a
roof on something and i had to put like the the scaffolding like the supports
up drilling holes in
and fucking you know hanging on the side of the house so they could put the
board across it so they
could do the fucking the roof and i remember next door was his house with a
backyard with an
in-ground pool and these two fucking hot chicks are bringing out shit and these
two guys fucking
jersey shore looking guys laying out right and enjoying their fucking summer
and i was just sitting
there going like what the fuck is wrong with this picture and i remember one of
them at one point was
looking up watching us work and like he was just one of those good looking
shredded guys so he didn't
have a fucking ounce of guilt not an ounce where i would actually in shame gone
back into the house
like i don't want to be enjoying the pool with those guys working like that
they this guy was just
fucking like if you would have turned the radio louder dude you would have felt
like we were making
the roof for him he just fucking owned it and i'll tell you that guy he has no
regrets from his
childhood he crushed i can just see it this guy's crushing everything he was
this fucking beautiful
guy that's funny i still remember that and there was this irish guy billy you
must work quicker
you must work quicker and at one point i got mad like dude this is the first
time i fucking ever put
these up if you want me to go faster and you land on your fucking back i'll do
it you know
you know that type of shit i've never had a real job that's one of the one
thing i've loved about my
life so far is i've never had one of those jobs where you just hate every day
like you know going
into i've always worked in the restaurants or you know hard like hard labor
worked out on the highway
crew worked a little construction more of a labor i didn't know how to build
any uh right carrying the
shit but those kind of guys you're right those kind of jobs are where you meet
really funny people that
you know appreciate the things that that they get when they get them because
they're working their
ass off dude you know what do you know one time like we we had a guy who worked
and the guy was a
total fucking alcoholic like cokehead maniac and one time he showed up like i
swear to god like he was
supposed to be the 8 30 showed up like 10 30 10 45 and he comes in all bleary
died and and his
fucking hair was soaking wet from a shower and he just comes walking and he
goes on the traffic traffic
was his fucking hair was soaking wet dude his eyes look like road maps right he's
big like it was funny
he had like this he was a big guy but he never worked out it was just all
calories from his awful
life and he had this limp fish handshake he had skinny arms and skinny legs and
just this keg of a chest
you know one of those guys just keeps pushing the pants down and tightening the
belt so he fucking um
so we just used to keep giving him shit this is before like being an alcoholic
was considered like
a sad disease so i remember we were going to get donuts that day and fucking
hilarious we go hey you
know paul you know i can't say i just said his name paul paul you know what you
want uh you want
anything from dunkies we're going to dunkin donuts you want anything you want
to you know and
back then they had muffins they had they had donuts and that type of shit and
he just goes
and somebody goes how about a donut no good muffin no i'm good coffee no i'm
good and then this other
guy goes how about a rum cake
we all fucking laughed our asses off of the guy long story short he finally
ends up getting fired
and he left one of his remember the remember shackets it was like a it was a
jacket and a shirt
it was basically like a flannel shirt with like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah it had
the yeah yeah shacket so
he left that thing behind and this one dude you talk about like a funny bastard
and like but really like
artistic he took all these empty boxes and made like a giant statue of the guy
out of the boxes and
he put the jacket on it and he drew these bleary eyes and he put like this mop
and thing on top too
we fucking came in even the boss we were fucking howling at this drunk that we
didn't even try to
help we just fired fired the guy sent him out on the street and then we just
made that we laughed our
asses off and we and we left it up for like fucking like like this shrine it
was up for like two weeks
and then finally the boss was just so we run low on boss boxes you gotta you
gotta fucking take that
thing down do we had this other guy i feel bad about this one this guy we hired
this guy in in the
the boss thought it would be a good idea to hire somebody that was a little bit
older to try to get
some sort of fucking maturity because do we want we want we just did all this
dumb shit like uh you
didn't care about your job it is the dumb shit and then we had like these
things that we would do to
get through the day i remember there was this guy hey what bin is this thing in
and it was and it was
7 37 and he kept going 7 37 and the guy what what and he finally jumped off
these boxes and did like
this karate thing went 7 37 as loud as he could and then one day we just
decided we were all going to
scream that at the same time and the door was open from the warehouse into the
suited area where everyone
was dressed like michael j fox and out of nowhere and it was just really quiet
summer day the entire
warehouse screamed at the top of their lungs just went wow 7 37 right and i
remember i was fucking
picked it so still i don't know why we did it picked his fucking head up and
his boss immediately came
running in and he's going they're yelling they're yelling out here what like
like we were animals like
what are they doing and then he got fucking i almost said balled out this is
how old this story is
remember that expression he got he got yelled at and then he came out and he he
had this high-pitched
voice and he'd be like you know come on you guys you know you're out here blah
blah blah and then
whenever he would talk we would just do this impression of him back we wouldn't
even listen
we would just be going come on come on you guys i love the trucks and he would
just be frustrated
and would walk away shaking his head and we'd just be like a bunch of babies
just a bunch of babies and
we we wouldn't listen to anybody like the level of mad that he had to get
because he oh that's right
because he used to substitute no he used to be us and then he got promoted oh
there you go and then
that and that was that's what it was like i've often wondered how bill russell
was able to
coach his players even though they all won together and he was the legend he
had you know nine rings
at that point ten rings before he got his 11th like there's just something
about like dude you're
telling me to run the stairs now give me a fucking break exactly that's where
yeah come on