Name: Bill Burr - Labor Day 2013
Uploaded: 2013-09-03T11:32:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Labor Day 2013' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-09-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Labor Day 2013' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-09-03. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for
Monday, September 2nd.
Oh, happy Labor Day, everybody.
Why? No one goes to work.
Is it Labor Day around the world?
If it is, happy Labor Day to all of you guys out there, especially the ones
that make all of our clothes.
Huh? Everybody in the first world out there, come on, let's have a nice round
of applause for the six-year-old in El Salvador
who made your little cargo pants that you're walking around the cookout with
right now with your big stupid pockets.
Your wife's rolling her fucking eyes going, why does he keep wearing those
shorts he had in college?
Oh, God, the 90s are over. Why doesn't he see it?
Why did I end up jumping on his dick instead of that other guy's?
That other guy, he became a doctor and he wears slacks now.
For those of you around the world listening to this podcast, and my ego tells
me that there is people around the world,
you know, maybe somebody sitting in a bunker, right?
Listening to this shit over here in the United States, we have something called
Labor Day
because we work so fucking hard in this country.
That's why we're number one.
You know why?
Because we outworked all of you, you bunch of lazy fucking cunts.
Actually, we didn't.
According to Tom Brokaw, it was the greatest generation.
They fucking did everything except raise their kids right.
You know?
They raised their kids right.
Would they have reacted to the Vietnam War the way they did?
Nah, they would have gone into the Pacific the same way they did in World War
II.
We got a job to do.
It's got to get done.
No one wants to do it.
Fuck it.
I'm volunteering, right?
They were so shell-shocked from that, they couldn't even look at their kids.
And then their kids just grew up all spoiled, rotten.
And then all of a sudden, it was their turn to go.
And then they were just like, hey, man, like, don't harsh the mellow, man.
Right?
And that was the beginning of the end.
I'm telling you right now, if less people dodged the Vietnam War,
you wouldn't have as many fat people in this fucking country right now, okay?
And if you can't do the math on that one, then you know what?
I can't help you.
That's one of my new things, is I just make stupid statements to people in bars,
right?
That connect in no way possible.
And as I watch their forehead wrinkle up, I throw in,
and if you can't do the math, then I can't help you.
It's a fucking wonderful game, because it puts somebody...
Remember when you were in junior high, grade school, junior high, or whatever,
and kids first started talking about sex, and they would be like,
do you know what this is?
And you had no idea, but you didn't want to admit to it, you know,
because you didn't want to be the kid who didn't know,
even though nobody was fucking anything at that point, right?
But you just didn't want to be the dummy.
That's what I'm tapping into.
All right, and if you can't do the math on that, then I can't help you.
I'm telling you, and when you say I can't help you, you got to look away
and just let him sit with that.
You know, just sitting with him, but that didn't make any sense.
Well, should I let it go?
Is anybody else noticing that?
I don't know what it means.
Anyways, Labor Day, I don't know what the history of it is.
I'm sure I could look it up on Wikipedia, but so could you, you know?
What am I, your fucking reader?
Do you want me to do it?
Because I will.
I'll look it up right now.
I'll fucking click on this right here, right?
And then I'm going to type in Labor Day.
L-A-B-E-R.
It's B-O-R.
Jesus Christ.
Labor Day history.
What is the history of Labor Day?
You know there's going to be something horrific.
Labor Day politics history begins with workers' strikes in 1890s.
You knew it.
You knew there was going to be some sort of bloodshed.
All right?
And then we all forget.
Years later, we're just sitting around a fucking big green egg smoking a big
pork shoulder,
which is what I'm doing right now.
Rose Bowl legend.
Jason Lawhead will be joining the...
I should really clarify that.
Rose Bowl tailgate legend.
I keep calling us legends like we're actually out there playing the game.
Oh, look at that.
An advertisement for Hertz rental car.
You know what?
I think I'm actually going to switch to them.
This is free advertising for those cunts.
Because whenever I go to the airport and I'm waiting for fucking budget, those
douchebags, I think they have one bus at every airport.
And I've really tried to sit there and be like, okay, am I just impatient?
And so I just started counting buses.
And I got to tell you, Hertz and Avis, they got a lot of buses.
National and Alamo, they're kind of like, I don't know.
They're from the other side of the tracks.
You know, they didn't come for money, but they're working their way up.
They got to share a bus, you know, but it's building character over there.
There's a lot of character over at Alamo and National.
But I'll tell you, budget, budget wasn't raised right.
You need to stay away from them.
I've had it with those cunts.
I've had it with them.
I've been with them for fucking ever.
I've had it with them.
All right.
Labor Day's political history begins with worker strikes in the 1890s.
Yeah, this is when we had sweatshop labor over here, which is why we created
unions so that they would stop.
And then the unions literally became the fucking thing that they were fighting.
All right.
Leaning on shovels, some on break and all that fucking thing, taking advantage
of it.
And then the corporate cunt said, oh, yeah, well, you know, good luck to you
and your union.
We're taking the factory to another country.
Go on strike all you want.
We're still making money.
All right.
There you go.
Like the marginal line.
They flew right over the fucker.
So now here we are.
All right.
And that poor guy in rage against the machines got to bring his ukulele all
over the fucking country to try and get the people of this nation refocus on
what the purpose of a union is.
Huh?
Because all those, hey, man, people, they all had kids.
They all had kids.
All right.
And then they joined unions and then everything left.
All right.
And if you can't do the fucking math on that, then I can't help you feel that.
I just walked away.
I can't help.
Labor Day has fallen upon us once again.
Oh, this guy.
What a writer.
Has it really fallen upon us?
Has it graced itself with its with our graced ourselves with its presence?
Is that how we say it?
Labor Day has fallen upon us once again.
I would love to look up the douchebag who wrote this and find out how many
fucking articles he started that way.
You know, just the way there's this this hacky stand up comics.
There's also hacky writers like I refuse.
Oh, do you, Bill?
Are you really refusing?
Can you feel the world shaking in its fucking boots?
Fuck you.
I have my standards that I live by.
I like to think piece of shit standards, but standards nonetheless.
I refuse to read any celebrity interview that begins with what they're eating.
I think that's the hackiest way.
I've met a zillion times.
John Travolta, you know, breaks into some fucking medium rare steak wearing a
smart button down.
Shut the fuck up and just ask him what it was like to be in dance fever.
All right.
Just say, hey, I'm a star fucker and I can't believe I get to sit across from
this icon.
It's amazing that when he eats, he also gets shit on his face.
You wouldn't think that from an Oscar winner.
All right.
For most Americans, we're back to the article now.
This means little more than the end of the summer.
Oh, really?
You're going to talk down to me right at the beginning of the fucking article?
Joseph, if you have fucking horn-rimmed glasses from the 80s?
All right.
For most Americans, this means little more than the end of the summer.
Social season.
Oh, well, you know, he's actually right because I did have to look this thing
up.
Kids and college students alike return to school, leaving relieved parents to
grasp some sense of normalcy.
Oh, Jesus.
Good to be more fucking dramatic.
Cookouts flare on and friends get together for cool drinks after some outdoor
fun.
Was this written in the 20s?
No, because there hasn't been anything racist yet.
We're playing horseshoes.
Back then, they probably used like a black guy.
They just hammered his head into the ground and used them as like a stake and
nobody said anything wrong with it.
Right?
Isn't that how bad the racism was back then?
I might be wrong on that one.
I don't know.
All right.
Amid all the action, everyone seems to forget that Labor Day, what Labor Day is
all about.
Well, for the love of God, Joseph, can you get to the fucking point?
We get it.
You know what it is and we don't.
What an asshole.
You know what?
In his picture, he has his glasses on.
But as I read this, I picture him taking them off right now to give me a little
talking to.
During the late 1800s, labor leaders, labor, decided that hardworking Americans
deserved a holiday of their own.
In other words, they felt them getting ready to storm the castle.
This is the old bread and circus.
After 1894's monumental Pullman Railroad strike, Congress decided to federalize
this holiday.
Ah, God.
And let me guess, the fucking morons agreed to it.
Hey, we wanted equal pay and we wanted some decent hours.
Hey, how about we give you one day off a year?
Is there going to be beer?
Of course there's going to be beer.
All you can drink.
Oh, I don't know about that fellow.
Sounds pretty good to me.
Bye, he's a jolly good fellow.
And that's the end of it.
They completely lose their focus.
The Pullman strike had such a wide-ranging implication that less than a week
after it ended, the president, that then, ah, fuck.
President Grover Cleveland signed the Labor Day Act into law.
Now, if you can't fucking do the math on that, don't you see what's happening?
This strike happened.
And all the fucking blue-blood douchebags with their top hats chomping on a
cigar, walking around like the fucking penguin, they saw what was coming.
People were like, we've had it, we're not going to take this anymore, and we're
coming for you, you tuxedoed cunt on a Tuesday.
How much money do you have that you're wearing that getup on a fucking Tuesday,
right?
Back then, they had spats, right?
Showed up in a big, long car.
Oh, God.
They didn't try to hide it.
So, they saw what the fuck was coming.
And then, you know, Grover Cleveland, so who's kidding who?
How did he get in office?
All those rich cunts, right?
So, they get him, hey, Grover, you're supposed to call me Mr. President.
Grover, get in here.
Waddle your fat ass in here, you cunt.
Listen.
Okay?
If this shit, what happened at the Pullman strike, happened straight across
this land, we're not going to have the money to keep the whores coming in to
suck your dick while your wife's in the other room.
Do you want that to happen?
It was a rhetorical question.
Just listen to us, okay?
We need to have a fucking day off for these people.
Just give them one fucking day off.
We'll smoke a pork shoulder.
We'll get them a bunch of beer.
They'll be so fat and fucking hungover.
They'll be good till Christmas.
All right?
Just do this for us so we can keep all the money.
Can you do that for us?
Haven't we done enough for you?
Your fucking name is Grover Cleveland, and we still got you the Oval Office.
All right?
We ready?
On two.
On two.
Ready?
Break.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I think I don't need to read the rest of this.
Isn't that what happened?
Considering then both U.S. soldiers and federal law enforcement officers killed
a number of strikers, this was the least that he could do.
Oh, yeah.
God forbid you protest that you're working fucking 900 hours a goddamn week.
You know?
Jesus Christ.
See, this is before they had, like, fucking, you know, CNN and Fox News to spin
it and all that type of crap.
All he had was word of mouth going around, you know?
I'm sure they had newspapers.
They have newspapers.
People read back in the 1800s.
All right.
I know I'm just sounding dumber by the second, but I think I made some sort of
point in there.
I like to think I did.
Well, this is actually fascinating to me now.
Let's read some more of Jason's article.
Is that his name?
Joseph.
I'm sorry.
Minimum wage laws were a long way off, and if one thinks the health insurance
is bad now,
it was nonexistent then.
Then there is the Gilded Ages near total lack of workplace sanitation and fair
pace standards.
Oh, yeah.
Like, when they built, like, the Brooklyn Bridge, like, they averaged, like,
five guys dying a day.
A day.
Something crazy because they didn't understand the bends, and as they were
bringing somebody up and they'd start to get it,
they were like, bring him up quicker.
He's getting sick.
And then that would be it.
That was it.
Your dad went to work and he died.
You know?
There was no 60 minutes.
You know, coming out to fucking help you.
Ed Bradley or some shit.
Is he still around?
He died, too.
A lot of people died on that show.
Um, well, it's been around for 50 years, Bill.
A lot of people died on the Brady Bunch at this point.
No.
Alice is still alive.
I don't know about Sam the butcher.
Mike died.
The dad died.
Dad always dies.
You know?
Fucking working his ass off.
Um, trying to drop some plans and fucking Florence Henderson coming in with the
world's first mullet.
You know?
Ah, where the fuck am I?
Thankfully, scores of long-pressed laborers eventually got together and formed
unions.
As individuals, they were all but powerless to bring about the positive change.
In large groups, though, they managed to secure the American dream, not only
for themselves, but for generations to come.
Throughout the 20th century, Democrats typically favored the interest of non-managed
workers,
while Republicans catered to administrators and business owners.
Why do you got to throw the Hatfields and McCoys in there?
You know?
It's us versus the 5% of them.
Okay?
Stop with the Yankee Red Sox shit.
God damn it.
Radicals in both parties often destroyed the chance for reasonable solutions to
come.
Okay, that's fair.
To complex financial problems, but moderate voices often prevailed.
That should explain our country's economic success for most in the 1900s.
Well, I imagine there's more to it than that, but what the fuck.
So there you go, people.
There's a little ignorant history on this wonderful fucking day.
And here we are, 120 years later, and I'm sitting around today doing a podcast,
smoking a pork shoulder.
I made a fucking apple pie.
Oh, it's going down.
Calories.
Calories will be consumed on this wonderful day.
You know what would be great is if somehow you could just eliminate greed, envy,
jealousy, paranoia, lust.
Basically, the seven deadly sins.
Okay?
Look, I'm far from a fucking perfect person.
Oh, gee, gee, gee.
But it would be good.
Just at least at that fucking level.
You know, if everybody could be like, hey, you know, we're making enough money.
Yeah, we should, you know, give you health insurance.
I love that whole fucking myth that if you actually treat workers decently,
like a fucking t-shirt is going to cost $50.
It isn't.
In order for you to continue maintaining your fucking giant yacht, it would
cost that.
When I was a kid, you know, factories were just starting to go overseas, but
they made a lot of shit here.
And sneakers weren't the equivalent of fucking $200 or whatever the fuck they
said that they were going to be.
It's all bullshit.
I don't buy a fucking word of it.
And that's it.
All right.
I'm not going to talk anymore because at this point I'm probably even sounding
more ignorant than usual.
But my gut tells me I'm right.
So go fuck yourselves.
Woo!
I just bailed out of that one, didn't I?
Nice barrel roll right out of a fucking moving car.

Bill Burr - Labor Day 2013

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for
Monday, September 2nd.
Oh, happy Labor Day, everybody.
Why? No one goes to work.
Is it Labor Day around the world?
If it is, happy Labor Day to all of you guys out there, especially the ones
that make all of our clothes.
Huh? Everybody in the first world out there, come on, let's have a nice round
of applause for the six-year-old in El Salvador
who made your little cargo pants that you're walking around the cookout with
right now with your big stupid pockets.
Your wife's rolling her fucking eyes going, why does he keep wearing those
shorts he had in college?
Oh, God, the 90s are over. Why doesn't he see it?
Why did I end up jumping on his dick instead of that other guy's?
That other guy, he became a doctor and he wears slacks now.
For those of you around the world listening to this podcast, and my ego tells
me that there is people around the world,
you know, maybe somebody sitting in a bunker, right?
Listening to this shit over here in the United States, we have something called
Labor Day
because we work so fucking hard in this country.
That's why we're number one.
You know why?
Because we outworked all of you, you bunch of lazy fucking cunts.
Actually, we didn't.
According to Tom Brokaw, it was the greatest generation.
They fucking did everything except raise their kids right.
You know?
They raised their kids right.
Would they have reacted to the Vietnam War the way they did?
Nah, they would have gone into the Pacific the same way they did in World War
II.
We got a job to do.
It's got to get done.
No one wants to do it.
Fuck it.
I'm volunteering, right?
They were so shell-shocked from that, they couldn't even look at their kids.
And then their kids just grew up all spoiled, rotten.
And then all of a sudden, it was their turn to go.
And then they were just like, hey, man, like, don't harsh the mellow, man.
Right?
And that was the beginning of the end.
I'm telling you right now, if less people dodged the Vietnam War,
you wouldn't have as many fat people in this fucking country right now, okay?
And if you can't do the math on that one, then you know what?
I can't help you.
That's one of my new things, is I just make stupid statements to people in bars,
right?
That connect in no way possible.
And as I watch their forehead wrinkle up, I throw in,
and if you can't do the math, then I can't help you.
It's a fucking wonderful game, because it puts somebody...
Remember when you were in junior high, grade school, junior high, or whatever,
and kids first started talking about sex, and they would be like,
do you know what this is?
And you had no idea, but you didn't want to admit to it, you know,
because you didn't want to be the kid who didn't know,
even though nobody was fucking anything at that point, right?
But you just didn't want to be the dummy.
That's what I'm tapping into.
All right, and if you can't do the math on that, then I can't help you.
I'm telling you, and when you say I can't help you, you got to look away
and just let him sit with that.
You know, just sitting with him, but that didn't make any sense.
Well, should I let it go?
Is anybody else noticing that?
I don't know what it means.
Anyways, Labor Day, I don't know what the history of it is.
I'm sure I could look it up on Wikipedia, but so could you, you know?
What am I, your fucking reader?
Do you want me to do it?
Because I will.
I'll look it up right now.
I'll fucking click on this right here, right?
And then I'm going to type in Labor Day.
L-A-B-E-R.
It's B-O-R.
Jesus Christ.
Labor Day history.
What is the history of Labor Day?
You know there's going to be something horrific.
Labor Day politics history begins with workers' strikes in 1890s.
You knew it.
You knew there was going to be some sort of bloodshed.
All right?
And then we all forget.
Years later, we're just sitting around a fucking big green egg smoking a big
pork shoulder,
which is what I'm doing right now.
Rose Bowl legend.
Jason Lawhead will be joining the...
I should really clarify that.
Rose Bowl tailgate legend.
I keep calling us legends like we're actually out there playing the game.
Oh, look at that.
An advertisement for Hertz rental car.
You know what?
I think I'm actually going to switch to them.
This is free advertising for those cunts.
Because whenever I go to the airport and I'm waiting for fucking budget, those
douchebags, I think they have one bus at every airport.
And I've really tried to sit there and be like, okay, am I just impatient?
And so I just started counting buses.
And I got to tell you, Hertz and Avis, they got a lot of buses.
National and Alamo, they're kind of like, I don't know.
They're from the other side of the tracks.
You know, they didn't come for money, but they're working their way up.
They got to share a bus, you know, but it's building character over there.
There's a lot of character over at Alamo and National.
But I'll tell you, budget, budget wasn't raised right.
You need to stay away from them.
I've had it with those cunts.
I've had it with them.
I've been with them for fucking ever.
I've had it with them.
All right.
Labor Day's political history begins with worker strikes in the 1890s.
Yeah, this is when we had sweatshop labor over here, which is why we created
unions so that they would stop.
And then the unions literally became the fucking thing that they were fighting.
All right.
Leaning on shovels, some on break and all that fucking thing, taking advantage
of it.
And then the corporate cunt said, oh, yeah, well, you know, good luck to you
and your union.
We're taking the factory to another country.
Go on strike all you want.
We're still making money.
All right.
There you go.
Like the marginal line.
They flew right over the fucker.
So now here we are.
All right.
And that poor guy in rage against the machines got to bring his ukulele all
over the fucking country to try and get the people of this nation refocus on
what the purpose of a union is.
Huh?
Because all those, hey, man, people, they all had kids.
They all had kids.
All right.
And then they joined unions and then everything left.
All right.
And if you can't do the fucking math on that, then I can't help you feel that.
I just walked away.
I can't help.
Labor Day has fallen upon us once again.
Oh, this guy.
What a writer.
Has it really fallen upon us?
Has it graced itself with its with our graced ourselves with its presence?
Is that how we say it?
Labor Day has fallen upon us once again.
I would love to look up the douchebag who wrote this and find out how many
fucking articles he started that way.
You know, just the way there's this this hacky stand up comics.
There's also hacky writers like I refuse.
Oh, do you, Bill?
Are you really refusing?
Can you feel the world shaking in its fucking boots?
Fuck you.
I have my standards that I live by.
I like to think piece of shit standards, but standards nonetheless.
I refuse to read any celebrity interview that begins with what they're eating.
I think that's the hackiest way.
I've met a zillion times.
John Travolta, you know, breaks into some fucking medium rare steak wearing a
smart button down.
Shut the fuck up and just ask him what it was like to be in dance fever.
All right.
Just say, hey, I'm a star fucker and I can't believe I get to sit across from
this icon.
It's amazing that when he eats, he also gets shit on his face.
You wouldn't think that from an Oscar winner.
All right.
For most Americans, we're back to the article now.
This means little more than the end of the summer.
Oh, really?
You're going to talk down to me right at the beginning of the fucking article?
Joseph, if you have fucking horn-rimmed glasses from the 80s?
All right.
For most Americans, this means little more than the end of the summer.
Social season.
Oh, well, you know, he's actually right because I did have to look this thing
up.
Kids and college students alike return to school, leaving relieved parents to
grasp some sense of normalcy.
Oh, Jesus.
Good to be more fucking dramatic.
Cookouts flare on and friends get together for cool drinks after some outdoor
fun.
Was this written in the 20s?
No, because there hasn't been anything racist yet.
We're playing horseshoes.
Back then, they probably used like a black guy.
They just hammered his head into the ground and used them as like a stake and
nobody said anything wrong with it.
Right?
Isn't that how bad the racism was back then?
I might be wrong on that one.
I don't know.
All right.
Amid all the action, everyone seems to forget that Labor Day, what Labor Day is
all about.
Well, for the love of God, Joseph, can you get to the fucking point?
We get it.
You know what it is and we don't.
What an asshole.
You know what?
In his picture, he has his glasses on.
But as I read this, I picture him taking them off right now to give me a little
talking to.
During the late 1800s, labor leaders, labor, decided that hardworking Americans
deserved a holiday of their own.
In other words, they felt them getting ready to storm the castle.
This is the old bread and circus.
After 1894's monumental Pullman Railroad strike, Congress decided to federalize
this holiday.
Ah, God.
And let me guess, the fucking morons agreed to it.
Hey, we wanted equal pay and we wanted some decent hours.
Hey, how about we give you one day off a year?
Is there going to be beer?
Of course there's going to be beer.
All you can drink.
Oh, I don't know about that fellow.
Sounds pretty good to me.
Bye, he's a jolly good fellow.
And that's the end of it.
They completely lose their focus.
The Pullman strike had such a wide-ranging implication that less than a week
after it ended, the president, that then, ah, fuck.
President Grover Cleveland signed the Labor Day Act into law.
Now, if you can't fucking do the math on that, don't you see what's happening?
This strike happened.
And all the fucking blue-blood douchebags with their top hats chomping on a
cigar, walking around like the fucking penguin, they saw what was coming.
People were like, we've had it, we're not going to take this anymore, and we're
coming for you, you tuxedoed cunt on a Tuesday.
How much money do you have that you're wearing that getup on a fucking Tuesday,
right?
Back then, they had spats, right?
Showed up in a big, long car.
Oh, God.
They didn't try to hide it.
So, they saw what the fuck was coming.
And then, you know, Grover Cleveland, so who's kidding who?
How did he get in office?
All those rich cunts, right?
So, they get him, hey, Grover, you're supposed to call me Mr. President.
Grover, get in here.
Waddle your fat ass in here, you cunt.
Listen.
Okay?
If this shit, what happened at the Pullman strike, happened straight across
this land, we're not going to have the money to keep the whores coming in to
suck your dick while your wife's in the other room.
Do you want that to happen?
It was a rhetorical question.
Just listen to us, okay?
We need to have a fucking day off for these people.
Just give them one fucking day off.
We'll smoke a pork shoulder.
We'll get them a bunch of beer.
They'll be so fat and fucking hungover.
They'll be good till Christmas.
All right?
Just do this for us so we can keep all the money.
Can you do that for us?
Haven't we done enough for you?
Your fucking name is Grover Cleveland, and we still got you the Oval Office.
All right?
We ready?
On two.
On two.
Ready?
Break.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I think I don't need to read the rest of this.
Isn't that what happened?
Considering then both U.S. soldiers and federal law enforcement officers killed
a number of strikers, this was the least that he could do.
Oh, yeah.
God forbid you protest that you're working fucking 900 hours a goddamn week.
You know?
Jesus Christ.
See, this is before they had, like, fucking, you know, CNN and Fox News to spin
it and all that type of crap.
All he had was word of mouth going around, you know?
I'm sure they had newspapers.
They have newspapers.
People read back in the 1800s.
All right.
I k