Name: Bill Burr - Hiking In The Rocky Mountains
Uploaded: 2013-09-10T15:11:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Hiking In The Rocky Mountains' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-09-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Hiking In The Rocky Mountains' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-09-10. Transcript available.

How about a funny story, Bill?
All right.
How about the fact that I have a bruise on my back the size of a fucking softball?
How'd you get that, Bill?
Well, I decided to go hiking in the Rocky Mountains, in the beautiful state of
Colorado.
I went up there with Rose Bowl legend Jason Lawhead.
You know?
We went up there like we were on a second date.
Let's go on a hike.
Do you like hiking too?
I'm so excited.
So we decided to go on this fucking hike.
And I'm nervous going into the Rocky Mountains because I'm thinking they got
bear, you know, fucking elk, barracuda, whatever the fuck they got up in there.
You know what I mean?
This is the real deal.
This isn't like the fucking Hollywood Hills out here where, you know, I'm going
to run into fucking Kevin Bacon before I run into any sort of fucking, you know,
I'm going to run into fucking Louis De Palma before I run into even a bobcat
out here.
That's all it is.
Maybe Lee Majors, if he's in a bad mood, maybe he'll fucking throw something at
me.
That's the worst I have to worry about out here.
These are the fucking Rocky Mountains.
All right?
These are the mountains that they create cause light with.
This is the real deal.
So, um, we're going in there, you know, with nothing but fucking, you know, our
workout clothes.
I have no weapon on me.
Everything is telling me this is fucking stupid.
And, uh, we're in Boulder, Colorado, which I'm telling you, man, Boulder,
Colorado, arguably the best, the most in shape people I've ever seen in my
fucking life.
We were sitting there walking up this, this, this hiking trail and we're all,
you know, there's a part of me.
I'm fucking nervous because I haven't gone up there.
I'm with somebody who hasn't gone up here.
This has all the makings of one of those Reader's Digest.
I almost fucking died stories that they have in there.
And all of a sudden this fucking lady, she had to be in her late fifties, comes
running down the trail.
People, not walking, running, wearing those sneakers that look like feet that
are fucking annoying, but you have to look at them with a spring in her step.
Like Walter Payton running on the balls of her feet, came running by, barely
breaking a sweat, big smile, fucking glow in her face.
Hadn't let life beat her down or anything.
It was unbelievable.
And I'm like, me and Jay, at that point we'd been in, we'd been in, um, in
Boulder for like three days.
We did the show at the Boulder Theater, did two shows that were fucking awesome.
Uh, unbelievable crowds, great theater, uh, part of the Billy Red State tour,
the rescheduled one and everybody showed up and, uh, it was awesome.
Uh, the next day we went to the Broncos game and then this was the morning.
We were going to drive down to Colorado Springs.
We were like, well, we got to work off all the booze we drank at the Broncos
game.
So we decided to go on this fucking hike.
All right.
All right.
I'm back on track here.
So we go into the, into the wilderness with no weapons or anything.
And you know, I'm nervous.
I mean, that lady running by made me feel good.
But for half a second, I'm like, is she running from a mountain lion?
Because people where I'm from in their, in their early thirties can't run that
fast.
So we go up the hill and, uh, it's just amazing.
It's fucking amazing.
Like, it's so beautiful.
You're like whispering like, Oh my God, look at those fucking, look at the view.
Like that type of shit.
Right.
But I'm also nervous.
Like, uh, I just got this feeling like, I don't know.
Like, I just don't want to get my face ripped off.
I mean, call me weird.
Call me a coward.
I don't give a shit.
Getting mauled is not on my bucket list.
Okay.
That just sounds so much worse than getting stabbed and shot because it like
get, you get
stabbed and shot from the, unless you get riddled or stabbed multiple times.
For the most part, you have a wound, but it's, it's in one area.
One of your limbs hurts.
The other three can still use.
You get mauled.
That is just an all encompassing, encompassing.
Like it's like you went through a paper shredder.
All right.
I don't need that.
So we're, we're about half hour into the hike and I'm like, wow, I'm a half
hour into
the Rocky mountains with no fucking weapon.
And my guide is a fellow standup comedian.
So we decide to sit down on these rocks.
I'm like, let's sit down and just take a break.
Cause we're fucking winded.
Cause we're middle-aged guys.
We're out of shape and we're a mile high.
You're right in Denver or whatever, Boulder.
So we sit down on these rocks and I'm like nervous, looking around, making sure
there's nothing deciding
to fucking pounce on me.
And all of a sudden I hear a car drive by and I'm like, what the fuck?
And like a hundred yards away, there's like a road.
And then I looked over another 20 feet and there was like a picnic table.
So evidently this fucking trail we were going on, this isn't like some deep
forest shit.
Like we pulled off the road.
Evidently we could have just kept driving and gone all the way up to the top.
So in the trail we're on crosses the road a couple of times.
So we're, we're totally fine for the most part.
So I see the picnic table and I point at it to Jason.
We just start fucking laughing because we're sitting down on these rocks.
Like we're Lewis and Clark and we're in the middle of nowhere and we're, we're,
we're fucking,
we're right there.
We're in the middle of civil civilization.
Long story short, we get all the way up to the top.
We're standing on these rocks.
We're looking down, actually looking down into, what was it?
Finley stadium, whatever, where the, uh, the Buffaloes play.
Absolutely gorgeous.
We're so high up.
We could see the Denver, the skyline in Denver.
It was fucking awesome.
So we start walking back and we're coming down the trail and it's,
you know, really loose kind of dirt and we keep slipping, but we're all right.
You know, we keep regaining our balance.
And at one point law had slips to the point where I thought he was going down
and he was
able to recover, you know, he was an athlete.
And I said, I said, Hey, that was nice.
You can see, you know, you played hoop yet.
You got an athletic background.
I said, had you been Joe DeRosa, um, I'd be carrying you down off the mountain.
And we were sitting there laughing at Joe, right?
Cause that's the kind of friend I am.
I throw my friends under the bus when they're not there to defend them.
So wouldn't you know, karma comes back and bites me in the ass like a fucking
minute later,
I'm standing there taking a picture or something.
And I go and I take a step or two, dude.
And I'm telling you, it's like somebody took my legs out.
I don't even know what happened.
I just fell.
And I landed on a rock.
Like, first of all, my, I, my elbow scraped first on my right arm.
And it pushed my, it like hyperextended.
Like I almost snapped my fucking humerus.
And all I was doing was falling from a standing position down to the ground in
the dirt.
But there just happened to be this fucking rock there.
Um, and I almost, and I think I would have broke it.
But fortunately, the rest of my body hit the, the other part of the rock.
Basically, just imagine jumping up in the air.
So you're horizontal and then just landing on the rock with like a baseball
size part of your back.
Dude, I, I wish I could recreate the, the fucking noise I made.
Um, and I, that was it.
I was just down and I was down for like a good 10 seconds.
You know, like when, when somebody gets knocked out or knocked down when they're
boxing
and they kind of sit back up at four seconds, but they wait till the nine and a
half second
mark to fucking stand back up.
That's what I did.
And Lawhead was going like, dude, you all right?
You all right?
And I kept saying, yeah.
And I wasn't.
And, uh, so I start walking down the hill and, um, I'm kind of laughing cause I
feel like
a fucking idiot, but laughing at this point hurts because I guess you use those
muscles
in your back and, uh, I don't know about 30 seconds later, lawhead's going,
yeah, dude,
I can see blood coming through, through your fucking t-shirt.
And, uh, yeah, it was gross by the time I got down to the bottom, like my
fucking t-shirt
was like stuck to my back and, uh, you know, but it wasn't bleeding.
It was more like the cut was more like a scrape because after I landed on the
rock, I then
slid down it.
So I lifted up my shirt and I go, how bad is it?
And I knew it was going to be bad cause I knew what I did.
And not to mention I'm a pasty fucking redhead and we don't bruise.
We look like, you know, where somebody with pigment would look like they had a
bad bruise.
We look like we got bitten by like a fucking Mako shark.
That's basically what I look like.
Um, and, uh, you know, I shook it off, went to the pharmacy, got some Neosporin,
slapped
it on my elbow, left it off the back, figured the back was fine.
And then I went and I got a salad and that was my fucking Denver story.
How was that?
So, uh, my back has been killing me the last couple of days and, uh, it's weird
when
I, the only time it hurts is when I go to stand up and I got to make a noise.
I'll make the noise for you here.
Let me see if I can get it.
It hurts.
Oh, of course now it doesn't hurt.
I think I did it.
I freed it up.
All right.
That was a big, that was like Geraldo looking into that safe.
Sorry about that.