Name: Bill Burr - Advice: I Probably Shouldn't Do It
Uploaded: 2013-09-17T07:02:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: I Probably Shouldn't Do It' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-09-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: I Probably Shouldn't Do It' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-09-17. Transcript available.

Hey there, Kubi the Freckleface. I need some help.
So there's this crazy broad at my job who I'm 99% sure I could fuck if I asked
directly.
Now I feel free to think this because she isn't exactly top shelf trim,
but she's certainly worth trying a shot if it's free.
I got to tell you, dude, that's one of the biggest lies in the universe.
It's never free. There's never been a free piece ever in the history.
It all comes with a price. All right? It all does,
especially when you're trying to bang somebody you're working with.
Right there, you're shitting where you're eating.
That could go very bad very quickly.
He goes, I've worked with her for about two years, and for a while,
she was putting on what seemed to be a pretty strong press.
Excessive hanging out at my desk, finding random ways to mess with me,
laughing at anything I do, you know, office flirty bullshit.
Well, maybe she likes you.
She might actually like you.
See, this is the way a guy looks at it.
She wants to suck my dick.
Right?
So she's going to be sitting there thinking you're making love,
and you're like, can it come in your mouth?
Right?
And then you treat her like, I'm telling you, that's how shit starts.
So anyways, then I launched a passive attempt to smash.
Told her we should get drinks.
Oh, no, dude.
Just the way you talk about women, which is hilarious coming from me,
but the way, and totally hypocritical.
The way you talk about women, like, this is not going to end well.
He told her we should get drinks.
We went out to catch a movie after work, but didn't make a major move
because of fear of her having a story to tell the office about rejecting me.
Very smart.
Nothing happened, and things cooled way off.
Long story short, since then, she's exhibited advanced signs of female dementia.
Well, before I go any further, I'm going to guess that because you didn't make
a move,
she thought that, oh, he went out to see what kind of a person I am
and was expecting maybe a follow-up date, and when it didn't happen,
that's sending her the signal that you didn't like something about her.
So maybe now that's why she's distant.
I don't know.
He said, the worst one being an incident where she invited me to hang out with
her,
and I taught her how to rip a bong.
All right, this went a totally different direction.
She got unreasonably high and wound up locking herself in the bathroom,
calling her mom to say how she invited me over, got high,
and was worried I was going to take advantage of her.
Her mom was about to call the cops, but she did stop her.
For what it's worth, I'm 6'5", 200-pound black guy,
and she's a small Asian girl, so I really saw a bad end to that storyline.
Oh, Jesus Christ, absolutely.
So we are now back to normal with her being a 200-proof bottle of crazy
and me wondering if the crazy-to-good-pussy positive correlation holds true.
That's fucking hilarious.
If I figure she can't get any crazier,
and if I just ask directly, we can eliminate the chance of confusion
and calls to the police.
Am I totally insane for still wanting to fuck this girl?
Thanks, and go fuck yourself, bitch.
All right.
I hope there's women listening to this.
Because right now, because you don't have a dick,
you probably, and this is why you think guys are so dumb.
And I want you, the same way this guy was talking about World War II
from the other perspective,
you've got to look at having a dick from the other perspective
with, I swear to God, empathy.
Now, I'm going to pause while you roll your eyes, ladies.
But this is how powerful having a dick is.
This is how much it runs your life.
Like, the amount of shit that just got shot across the bow of this guy's dick.
Okay?
And he's still thinking like,
nah, I think I can make it.
What if I just said,
hey, you want to fuck?
And we just fucked.
I could somehow get this urge out of me.
And then I could then go back to work.
You know what's funny, sir,
is the fact that if you fuck this girl,
and if it is as good as you think it's going to be,
like you're going to be able to go back,
you know, to work,
and where you're never going to bang again.
You already know this girl is fucking nuts.
All right?
I'm removed from the situation.
I haven't seen her, so I don't have any desire for you.
I could tell you 100 fucking percent,
do not repeat,
do not fuck this girl.
Fuck this girl.
Stand down, sir.
Abort.
What other military?
Rub one out before you go to work.
Okay?
Go out.
You know what?
Go out and find some other crazy fucking woman
that you don't have to see at work.
Okay?
That's it.
That's it.
All right?
Do not do it.
Yeah.
You're not totally insane for fucking this woman.
If you didn't have a dick,
you would be,
but you do have a dick,
so I understand.
Because God knows,
I've made never-ending mistakes
with my dick.
Trust me.
All right?
And by the time you figure out your dick,
women don't want to fuck you anymore anyways,
so it's pointless.
So I'm trying to fucking fast-forward you
to where the hell I'm at.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.