Name: Bill Burr - Seattle Washington 2013
Uploaded: 2013-10-08T14:17:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Seattle Washington 2013' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Seattle Washington 2013' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-08. Transcript available.

You know what's crazy about Seattle? Every time I fly in, first of all, usually
it's raining and I'm freaking out that we're going to crash, but this time it
was sunny and we were flying out over whatever the Puget Sound, whatever the
hell it is, and I had the window seat and I looked down and I've been meaning
to find this fucking house.
You ever go and you're coming in for a landing and you're looking down over
these neighborhoods and it just looks like the little houses all made out of
ticky-tack, that bullshit, and then every once in a while you fly over one of
those Illuminati neighborhoods, and it could even be your home state.
Just because the winds are different, they just flew over a different area that
day and you look down like you're going, where the fuck are those houses? Is
that a school or is that a house? What is that?
And it was one of those deals. We were coming in, I feel like, a different way
than usual, and I had the window seat and I looked out and what I saw, it can't
be described as a mansion.
What's the next size up from a mansion? Like a villa? Is that the word you use?
You know what it looked like? You guys ever see that movie The Dirty Dozen with
Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson?
Do you remember when all those Nazi officers were in that, that, they were in
France and they were in that, you know, because they were occupying France and
they took over the whole fucking country and so they were in that giant looking
like castle type thing that had all these rooms and these, that's what this
thing looked like.
We're flying over the thing and it was surrounded by these beautiful tall trees
all around the house. And then on three sides of it, it looked like three manicured
fairways in the shape of like football fields. Absolutely fucking immaculate.
And it was right on this like peninsula and there was water around it. And then
you had to walk like a hundred yard, you had to walk like fucking look, it
looked like 200 feet of woods from the house and then a hundred yard football
field.
And then right on the edge of the water was one of the coolest looking in
ground pools I've ever seen in my life.
Like you'd have to take a fucking tram from the house to get to the pool. And,
uh, I don't know. I'm going to try and find it. I don't know how to tweet it or
something like that.
I don't want to tweet somebody's fucking house, but, uh, I don't know who lives
there, but if there is people that meet every day to decide whether it rains or
not, that guy who lives there or that lady, they are at that meeting casting
their vote.
Cause I, I don't know. I've never seen a fucking house like that in my life. Um,
so anyway, so we go into Seattle and as usual, and this is the last time I'm
doing it.
I went down to that stupid fucking fisherman's wharf there where they throw,
show him throwing the fish.
And as I was walking there, this is the first time I walked in there. I was
like, why am I going down here? This is such a touristy thing to do.
You know, the food's going to suck and it's going to be overpriced. And that's
exactly what the fuck happened.
You know, I, I got like some crab burger. Bartnick got his, his burger. His
burger was cold. Mine was all right.
And I'm like, of course, nobody from Seattle goes down here to see a bunch of
asshole tourists buying Seattle magnets and sweatshirts.
Where the fuck did they go? And I forgot to ask, I don't know.
So anyway, so I had a shit sandwich with a side of fries there. So, uh, then I
went out, I did the show at the Paramount theater and, um, it was crazy.
Like the theater was one of these deals where like you, um, I don't know, just
the way it was set up.
Like you said the joke and there was like half a second pause and then, then
you'd hear the laughter coming back to the stage.
So it kind of fucked up my timing at first and everything went great.
And in the end, somebody finally yelled Seattle. And I kind of brought up the
fact that I had sung, we are the loudest or whatever.
I got booed a little bit, but they, they were cool about it.
And, um, I don't know. It was just, it was an awesome show.
And then I found out that, uh, Dave Chappelle was in town right around the
corner.
So me and Bartnick, like two little school girls literally ran over to where he
was performing and got to watch the last 10 minutes of his set,
which of course his last 10 minutes crushed anything that I've ever written in
my entire career.
You know, it was a nice, uh, it was in that, what do you call it?
I'm not eye opener, whatever, but just, you know, the second you think like,
Hey,
I think I'm getting a handle of this. Oh, wait a minute. I still suck. Okay,
cool.
Um, so it was an awesome night. And then we went to this fucking bar.
Chappelle was over at the Moore theater, which is the one where Eddie Vetter
and Pearl Jam made that one where he was in the dirty shorts.
Right. And he dropped down into the crowd after he stared at him for uncomfortably
long time.
Um, so we went to this bar right around the corner and it just seemed shady.
The second we walked in and I, according to Bartnick, the bouncer said it when
we walked in after he checked Bartnick's ID, he said, good luck.
So I proceed to drink way more than I should have. And you know, the end of the
night comes and I'm hungry.
So I go up to the front desk and I'm like, yeah, you guys, they're like, no,
there's fucking drunk leprechaun.
Here's a pizza menu. Get away from the front desk. You're scaring the ladies.
So I vaguely remember this. I went upstairs and I'm trying to order a pizza and
something in my back of my head goes, you shouldn't be eating like this at this
hour.
So I call them up and they were like, uh, thank you for calling Gina's pizza.
Can you hold please? And you know, can you hold please? They don't wait for a
response. They immediately put you on hold.
They should, they should just say, Hey, welcome to fucking Freddy's pizza. I'm
putting you on hold, but they don't. Welcome to Tony's pizza. Can you hold
please? And they put me on hold.
So I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there and I think I actually passed out
for a second and I woke up and I was still on hold or I think I passed out with
my eyes open.
Like one of those things I just started thinking about shit and I forgot what I
was doing.
And then I was just like, why is one of my ears hotter than the other? Oh, I'm
on hold.
And I was like, ah, fuck it. Let me call back. So I call back again. Hey,
welcome to Gino's pizza. Can you hold please? Put me on fucking hold again.
And as I was like, no, no, I just want to, and they already had me on hold.
So I sat there for another fucking couple minutes. My ears getting hot again.
So I hang up and I don't really remember what I said, but I called him back.
And as they're going, Hey, welcome to Tony's pizza. I just start dropping F
bombs.
Going, you know, fucking fucking something. I'm fucking old. You fucking
asshole. I just want to order a fucking V fucking.
I can't remember. I said fuck like 58 times. And the guy in the other end goes,
Hey, buddy, buddy, you need to relax.
And I just kept, I was like, it was like I was filibustering with Tourette's.
I, and I plowed right through that fucking, fucking, he just hung up on me and
then went over to the bed.
Probably passed out face down, you know, in the pillow, breathing in carbon
dioxide for the rest of the night.
And woke up with a brutal, brutal hangover as I had to fly to Phoenix the next
day.
And I had one of those ridiculously smiling, like a fucking maniac, uh, stewardesses.
Like, I don't know what happened. Like, you know, she's still putting on all
this makeup to the point she looked like some crazy clown.
And she was just like, Hey, how are you today?
Uh, you know, like adding syllables to fucking one syllable words.
They, uh, and it was just kind of like, can I get you a drink this morning?
Just fucking like, you can see it.
Her life was almost over the hill of hope.
And she was just going to go, she's just pulling back the throttle and she's
going to go as positive as she possibly can.
Hoping if she puts this fucking energy out there, something loving is going to
come back to her.
It was one of the most uncomfortable fucking flights I've ever had.
And I was hung over.
And the more I was coming at her with my negative energy, like, can you fucking
stop smiling at me?
All right.
I just need some water, right.
To get rid of the throbbing in my head.
It made her pull back on the stick even more to the point.
I think she went into a stall.
Um, I don't know.
It was one of those deals.
It probably, I'm sure she was completely normal.
And it was just the fact that I was so goddamn drunk that, uh, or so hung over
that, um, that her extra bubbly personality was coming across that way.
I don't know.
As always, as always, I was probably in the wrong, but I'm too immature to
admit it.
So with that, that's the beginning of the podcast.
By the way, you are listening to the Monday morning podcast.
if you just happen to walk by somebody's earbuds.