Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Lesbian Love
Uploaded: 2013-10-15T14:38:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Lesbian Love' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Lesbian Love' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-15. Transcript available.

All right, here's a new topic that hasn't come up, which I wish it would come
up more often.
Lesbian love.
Dear Dr. Burr, I have a bit of a girl dilemma here.
I'm a 26-year-old dude living in Connecticut.
Fuck Hartford.
Okay, so you're living anywhere but Hartford.
Or you're in Hartford, you hate it.
He said, I met a girl.
Oh, wait a minute.
If this is coming from a guy, all I see is threesome on the horizon.
All right, please let this go the way I want it to go.
He said, I met a girl through a friend of a friend, and we became great friends.
She lives out of state, but we still keep in touch and communicate with each
other whenever we can.
All right, you're painting with a broad brush here.
That could be you text every once in a while, or you're having fuck your sexting.
Or fucking, you know, pressing your dick up against your computer while Skyping.
I mean, there's a lot of, you know, there's a lot of room for interpretation
there, sir.
But I'll continue.
He says, she's independent, headstrong, not materialistic, likes the same shit
I do,
and we are always in sync whenever we get together person to person.
Basically, perfect for me.
And not to sound corny, at some point, I fell in love with her.
Dude, don't ever apologize for falling in love with a woman.
That's just some guy shit where you can't pretend like you want to be happy,
too.
Good for you.
He said, but she's a lesbian.
And then he writes, oh, jeez.
Oh, wow.
Dude, did you know that going into it?
Your voice cracking.
Did you know that going into it?
You didn't protect your fucking hat?
Well, you're doing the chick thing where you think you can change her.
All right.
He says, it's a bit of an emotional struggle.
I would think so.
He said, I've already shared my feelings.
And obviously, they went nowhere.
So now, you know what I'm thinking now when you said she likes the same shit
you like?
Yeah.
That's shit.
I can see where you guys would be on the same page.
Checking out the ladies.
So anyways, he goes, so now I got to bottle that shit up inside.
It's been like that for almost a year.
Part of me still wants to be friends with her.
But the other parts of me tells me to forget about her and cut all
communications off.
Yeah, I mean, or you'll just keep looking at her going, oh, maybe she'll blow
me today.
Ain't happening.
He said, I'd feel like a douche fuck.
You guys are really creating odd, like, vulgarities here.
A douche fuck.
Okay, that's a new one.
If I cut all ties, and yet I know it's going to suck for me emotional as long
as I'm friends with her because I'll never be with her.
Or will this feeling go away eventually?
My friends keep telling me to forget about her, but I will always be losing in
awesome.
But I would also be losing an awesome friend, too.
What do you think, Bill?
Should I listen to my heart or my cock?
Thanks.
Go fuck yourself.
Truly.
Let's see.
I would say listen to your heart or your cock.
I don't know which wants to do what.
Your heart loves her, and you also want to fuck her.
What you have to do is you need to do a combo, like, you have to have a sit-down
with both your heart and your dick, and just be like, look.
All right?
Your dick has to know the score at this point.
It ain't happening.
Your dick probably already has its fucking helmet off.
It's taking its tape off and all that shit.
But your heart, you know?
I don't know what your fucking heart's to.
Listen, dude.
I'm sorry.
I'm buzzed here.
What do I think you should do?
Yeah, I think you should just walk away.
You got to walk away, and you got to be into some other chick first, and then
maybe you can start to be friends again.
But, yeah, it sounds like you've been a sad puppy dog with blue balls for a
year, and I'd say you've – I think you've done your penance.
You know?
Why don't you go into the open lane?
Why don't you do that?
I just opened the register.
Can I – can I have the next customer, please?
Go into that fucking line.
All right?
Oh, man, that sucks.
I feel bad for you, dude.
What are you going to do?
You know, I saw the other day on the cover of ESPN magazine, they had one of
those UFC chicks, like, totally naked, but with their fucking goddamn hands
wrapped.
And I got to tell you something, man.
I think those women are hot.
They are fucking hot, and I think it would make you a better person if you
could date – if you went out with a woman that could beat the shit out of you.
Just because it would – it would force you to be smarter.
The only reason why women are smarter than us is because, basically speaking,
we can fucking stuff them in a hamper if we want to.
So they have to outsmart us.
So from day one, they're using their fucking brains, where we're just sitting
there going, shut up, you know, using force.
There's nothing.
We're all fucking knees and elbows.
So what would happen is, is you would gain the wisdom of a female by kind of
being the bitch in the relationship in that, you know, she could fucking slap
you around.
Then you could learn to use tricks like guilt.
You know, who knows?
Maybe she'd go out and get you a pair of shoes.
Right?
I'm sorry.
So sorry that I put you in a kimura.
I've been meaning to watch that UFC show where they have the women in the house.
It's hard to watch women beating the shit out of each other.
There's, like, no way that they can hit them, hit each other that it's fucking
pleasant to see.
Punching them in their pretty faces, or even worse, when they take that fucking
straight right to the left tit.
It's just like, what are you doing?
You know?
I might be misogynistic here, but I just look – that's, like, for a baby.
Why are they punching you in one of your fucking baby compartments?
I really am a moron.
I admit it.
You know, whatever.
That's just how I look at it.
I'll tell you what, at least I'm honest.
At least I'm honest.
That's when you know you said some ignorant shit, and half the party's walking
away from you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know, I say what's on my mind.
I say what's – well, maybe sometimes you shouldn't.